I mean that feeling is with you always but you need that physical presence of that being in order for you to finally feel. You could search your whole lifetime for something else that feels remotely good but it will continue to escape you. You can’t for what is meant for you no matter how fast in the other direction it is you decide to run. As long as I can still feel your existence in this realm of reality that we call life I will still hold onto this idea that you will make your way back to me. Unless of course you are already here than your presence in my life is more than enough. You can’t help a heart from always insisting though on finding on what could have been.
. I used to beat myself up with this terribly nasty self talk and then light a light bulb it began to dawn on me. Don’t be so hard on myself and be thankful for all that there is. There is a reason that this is happening in this moment we just have to learn to relax a little and stop questioning things. It is so easy to do. At least easy fore. My mind is always thinking and low and behold I am waiting for it to be me. I don’t believe I am lucky not in the way that others think. I mean I work tirelessly hard to get to where I deserve to be here. I put in the work don’t you?
Life takes you for a ride and it challenges the purest of intentions. We all start out hoping that we will become all that we can be don’t we? What child thinks I want to grow up to be a drunk, unemployed loser or live forever alone when I am older or be laughed at and shunned until you go away. We never imagine a life of isolation until we get there then the woes set in and the oh what happened to me? When children get lost in their adult form there is no greater sin. They forget about what it means to be human and what it takes to make their heart sing.
I am shy beyond words. Crippling shy. I think my anger comes when my inability to communicate in an effective manner interferes with my inability to speak. You wouldn’t think at 42 I could still be this way BUT trust me I am so awkward beyond belief.
Don’t you think? I think way too much. I think we all do. Life was keep us wondering did we do the best we can? It’s not an easy confrontation to have with one self. There are so many reasons to ignore what is painful but it is the pain that we acquire when we fail to turn off the lights. I am scared of the dark and the things that people do when they think nobody is watching when they are the only ones left standing in the room. I like being alone. Nobody left to betray. Nobody left to hurt me and only myself to obey.
If I do engage in such behaviour would that justify behaviour that could retiliate or worse. I sheltered myself from bad energy because it has come far too much. To be forever hated or loved by just one. I think I know the answer but I am not entirely sure. I will relinquish over my faith and begin working the room. All I have ever come to know I have taught myself. Who needs to love another when I can forever love myself.
What do I know really, how could I have possibly been on the down and out. Just some 38 year old sleeping on the basement floor going back to school living pay check to pay check. I had two jobs and had taken out a student loan and then I found somebody more broken then me. I know I am unloveable that was my curse from being a teen but my husband has just been unlucky in love more so than me.
What is mine is mine but if it makes you happier I will share all my posessions with you. What I value more than anything is a kindred heart and spirit, a loyal friend, an ally and those gems are worth their weight in gold. Those people I will cheer on endlessly and for them I will always have an extra spoon.
I think it was that memory of my friend telling me to come home. Telling me I was still remembered and loved and that it would be ok. He was my lifeline I would talk to when the demons ran rampant in my dreams and kept me awake. It was his memory that kicked me in this direction maybe out of fear and pure exhaustion. My guilt still freezes me anytime I reflect. He reached for me and I ignored him minutes later he fell hundreds of feet to his death.
Why be somebody’s nightmare when you can be your own dream come true. Why be the reason why somebody cries every night. Bringing magic into your day to day softens your heart almost in a childlike innocent kind of way. Through the eyes of a child we see with open hearts and never let someone else’s opinion interfere.