Life takes you for a ride and it challenges the purest of intentions. We all start out hoping that we will become all that we can be don’t we? What child thinks I want to grow up to be a drunk, unemployed loser or live forever alone when I am older or be laughed at and shunned until you go away. We never imagine a life of isolation until we get there then the woes set in and the oh what happened to me? When children get lost in their adult form there is no greater sin. They forget about what it means to be human and what it takes to make their heart sing.
I am shy beyond words. Crippling shy. I think my anger comes when my inability to communicate in an effective manner interferes with my inability to speak. You wouldn’t think at 42 I could still be this way BUT trust me I am so awkward beyond belief.
Don’t you think? I think way too much. I think we all do. Life was keep us wondering did we do the best we can? It’s not an easy confrontation to have with one self. There are so many reasons to ignore what is painful but it is the pain that we acquire when we fail to turn off the lights. I am scared of the dark and the things that people do when they think nobody is watching when they are the only ones left standing in the room. I like being alone. Nobody left to betray. Nobody left to hurt me and only myself to obey.
If I do engage in such behaviour would that justify behaviour that could retiliate or worse. I sheltered myself from bad energy because it has come far too much. To be forever hated or loved by just one. I think I know the answer but I am not entirely sure. I will relinquish over my faith and begin working the room. All I have ever come to know I have taught myself. Who needs to love another when I can forever love myself.
What do I know really, how could I have possibly been on the down and out. Just some 38 year old sleeping on the basement floor going back to school living pay check to pay check. I had two jobs and had taken out a student loan and then I found somebody more broken then me. I know I am unloveable that was my curse from being a teen but my husband has just been unlucky in love more so than me.
What is mine is mine but if it makes you happier I will share all my posessions with you. What I value more than anything is a kindred heart and spirit, a loyal friend, an ally and those gems are worth their weight in gold. Those people I will cheer on endlessly and for them I will always have an extra spoon.
I think it was that memory of my friend telling me to come home. Telling me I was still remembered and loved and that it would be ok. He was my lifeline I would talk to when the demons ran rampant in my dreams and kept me awake. It was his memory that kicked me in this direction maybe out of fear and pure exhaustion. My guilt still freezes me anytime I reflect. He reached for me and I ignored him minutes later he fell hundreds of feet to his death.
Why be somebody’s nightmare when you can be your own dream come true. Why be the reason why somebody cries every night. Bringing magic into your day to day softens your heart almost in a childlike innocent kind of way. Through the eyes of a child we see with open hearts and never let someone else’s opinion interfere.
We have to have faith within each day that it will be bound with limitless laughter and love. To be surrounded by those who think the world of us, and in them we think the same, that sounds like something heart melting, a definite moth to a flame.
No matter which way you look at it the only control we have over our destiny is the energy it takes to get there. We can’t control the future much in the same we can’t alter the past. Live for today, forget tomorrow and live like yesterday was a dream.