I want to tell you why it is important to live your life like nobody is watching and why so many of us or incapable of doing just that. Or when we start to gather a crowd around us we allow it to go straight to our heads and start engaging in deplorable acts and things. This small BC town girl never waivered for a minute even when the man came calling for her early on.
I guess I shouldn’t focus too much on all the names that he calls me but it is getting very hard not to. I know I am worth more than his constant bursts of anger and all the venomous filth he likes to throw onto me. I know I am weird by most standards and I know for sure I am not everybody’s cup of tea but aren’t we all worthy of a little human compassion? Even the weird ones like me?
My heart hurts. Of course it would. Life tends to lose all meaning as quick as it suddenly does. We all want to find our place in this timeline before we take our last breath. Everybody wants to be a gangster but do they have what it takes to keep their mouths fed? To put…
We can try our best and in doing so we will increase our own net worth. It seems strange to compare your life in such a way but you are your own greatest asset. I wish I had more answers but the truth is I have no clue. I want to. I read about the greatest lives that lived before me in the hopes that I may get an inkling or clue to my own existence. We can’t live in fear of what is to come because in doing so we could in essence make ourselves sick. At least unhappy as we always wait for that boom. That boom that tells us it is all over and that our human bodies will never move from room to room. There are moments in my head that will just never leave. Those that are soon to be parted will always carry a spot in my head and brain. To hold those close to give them comfort on the way out is all I want to do. I want them to know as they hear my heart that I am scared for them and in turn I am a little bit scared for me. Where do you go and will we ever see each other again? It doesn’t seem fair to be so close then nothing. That will be the longest day when that day finally comes. I guess that is why we never know, so we can start each day to live again.
There is that incredulous moment in time where somebody out there is relating to my blog so they lash out at anybody in reach just so they can hear their own voice and try to poison they way that other people think. They react like there are a million people reading these words or one of these entries are being scripted for a Hollywood movie but in the reality these words are written to help me cope with life and relate to one or two beings. There are those that try to shame me into not living this course I set off on living because they fail to understand their own existence so they try to come down on lil ol me. I am not buying it nor do I give into bullies. The fear that drives them to be rude and inconsiderate is the same fuel that drives me to speak my truth.
In this life I lead it might be confusing to some but it is mine and I am trying to remain somewhat in control. My mantra is still to be the girl I was born to be before the rest of the world was hell bound and determined to take it all away.
Friends don’t have to always be your friends once they have outlived their purpose. I am thankful for those who rip the band aids off but frown at the ones who can’t rip it off all the way. I could care less about you now, now that you have revealed your true colors to me. Be gone out into the pasture and keep on walking far off into the night.
When the weight of the world comes crushing down on you and you are left wondering do I still dare to dream? Do you? Of course you do! You have to get up every dang day and ignite that passion and set that intention so you can finally survive in a world with just you and me. Well not entirely but you must have an idea what I sm trying to say. The only people that matter are those that matter the most. The ones when the going gets tough they have your back instead of selling out. Ah the sell outs fuel me like no other. I won’t allow me to become what they think of me and I will use that drive to succeed!
When I asked my father about God and why we didn’t go to church he told me the answers that others were so desperate to seek lay deep down inside of me. That those who needed reassurance in another entity or being needed to come together in such a way. I had to ask these questions as the closest friend I have ever known had welcomed Jesus into her life everyday. What does that mean? What about me? As a young girl trying to understand the living this little piece of information was devastating to me. How can some follow while others are led astray? And what does this have to do with being human when we are constantly worrying about salvation and what lays in wait on the other side. Can’t we all just live? Why can’t we all just be free?
My biggest fear is what people say when you are around so I chose not to be. I live like I was 5 years old again to scared to be noticed but also too scared that nobody will notice me. Those that speak ill of those they claim to be friends with have me heading for the hills. Bonus points for being ugly when you laugh at another’s domestic situation and how those caught in that web are subject to abuse. There is no beauty to be found in another person’s demise. These are the people who make living ugly and have me pulling out my hair.