I am tired. I am scared. I am lonely. I am obsolete.
My biggest fear in this life is never being worthy of my Dad’s love. The pain that resides in the hole that he left in my heart is a reminder just how worthless that I am. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I did something to somebody and now I am paying the price. Just like in the words echoed to me by my Grandfather right before Alzheimer’s took him, “How can you love somebody like me?”
The only demon mind that I should fear is that of my own. Only she has been made of my weakness and only her version of me can stop me from being able to shine. One a living nightmare the other lost in a dream. Both are versions of me and both forever intertwined.
There wasn’t much to do but conceive children and try to maintain the health and prosperity of all. Divorce was frowned upon because once the deed was signed you truly became the property of the man. The older you became the least valuable you were. The best you could hope to be was a teacher or tutor for somebody else’s kids, a constant reminder of how you failed as a woman.
With the blind leading the blind and all others left to go astray, I will retire myself to the mountainside far away from where others will go. I never wanted to turn my back on humanity but humanity has turned their back on me. I don’t want to live in a world so self righteous when all I truly want is a chance to just live my life and simply be.
Being depressed is easy. It is our excuse for everything, will the lack of doing anything. Oddly though it is when you are at your lowest that more people gravitate towards you. Not because they sympathise, because they do, it is also because we have this morbid fascination to watch another crumble in despair.
We are transitioning to a period we have never seen before so in essence some sort of panic and resistance was inevitable. The only way we can awaken from this nightmare is to try and tame the beast within. We don’t want to anger the beast inside that can rip us all to shreds instead we want to harmonize in a way that legends have been told.
What makes you get out of bed in the morning? Do you wake up eager to start the day or do you roll over and hide underneath the covers? How much of your life are you prepared to sleep away in the hopes of finding something better? With the absence of smoke filled mirrors like the ones from the night before do you like what you see when you open your eyes or are you scared to face the World?
We want to believe that those we keep in our company keep us in their good grace’s. If you find yourself in the company of somebody who would not extend a reach for you are you strong enough to make that divide? Separate yourself from the black cancer that threatens to eat your light and let it go. Evil does what evil does and never in good company can it reach, reach around you loving arms in good company these arms will keep.
That being the infatuation of always being accepted disguised as outpourings of love. As the World appeared to get bigger isolation soared to the masses as the way we communicated with each other became so impersonal and even obsolete.