The Longest Day

My decision to once again try to communicate this part of my journey to this outside world became important because of a few things. One the receptionist telling me that she has never heard of such a situation made me think just how much many of us pin our problems on our children. Then of course there is the finding the right treatment and proper care. I am going to be trying to v log the journey but we will have to see just how far we get. My husband is wanting to diagnose me as bi-polar and I told him I would be “evaluated” to appease his curiosity. I know that I am moody but I am wondering just how much of it is because I am fed up. Imagine getting talked down constantly the way I do?

Trust Your Being

The energy that is threatening to overcome me is suffocating at best. I am overwhelmed by what we as humans can excuse away before we are even capable of drawing up our last breath. There are spouses abusive towards their parents and children equally abusive to their parents where does it all end? There are so many of us who are destined for so much but we allow ourselves to deteriorate before we find out what it is all for. Of course it is overwhelmingly when it comes to the larger scheme of things. The only entity that seems to be replicating out of control is human and one day what choice will we have but to implode?

But They Are Mean

What children are capable of and will excuse it away with their small brains should be horrifying. Alarming at best. A contrast to what life was supposed to be and how it was supposed to feel and what it was supposed to all mean. I couldn’t imagine surviving childhood in the wake of the pressures of social media. I would have been an easy target and there would have been nothing I could have done to keep my head above water. As it stands I tried to end my life at 14 and then again at 19. My issue I was too terrified of what would happen if I crossed over onto the other side so I stayed. I became a hollow version of myself in that I did what was needed in order to do to stay alive. Desensitize myself to the outside world and try to keep all outside cares at bay.

One Insult Too Many

In a world that is so quick to be judgmental I just want to close my eyes and open them when we all start behaving nice. Respecting each other for the entities that we are instead of belittling to get attention so that we can get our say. Wouldn’t that be nice? It would never happen of course because we have all been engrained to compete. Nobody wants to stay at the bottom anymore if they can trample onto those bodies that have already hit the floor.

Am I Neurotypical?

Now these are just my thoughts about a situation that has arose and it deeply affected me. Not having many I trust in this life I kept this malicious keyboard attack completely to myself. I couldn’t engage. How could I? From the time I get up is a constant attack on my character. Be a better mom. Be a better wife. This is why you have no friends. This is why you have no life. Every little thing hurts and then my son gets up. There is no sinking feeling greater than hearing your son get so enraged. He needs help beyond what a mother can normally give. Have you ever heard your son talk about killing themselves and did I mention that he is only 4? Yes at 13 I threatened suicide but I was just raped. Did I squish my son to react like me? At 4 I would like to hope I didn’t, so? Of course I shut myself off because the life that I am living really hurts and it completely sucks.

Light It Up

Anyways that’s my daily rant and I am sticking to it. No since arguing over spilled milk because you know at the end of the day if a cat ain’t around to clean it up then I best be getting it done. Why make a mountain out of a mole hill if I can prevent it at the starting line. I know most days what I need to do to get things done it is just a matter of putting the blinders on and trying to remain incredibly focused. Committed to the task at hand like only a soul on fire could ever dream of mastering one day. Why chase the chance at finding true love when you can find it in yourself after all this time? Become your own best friend like your life depended on it and radiate your truth from the sky. Nobody can promise you that it will be worth it in the end but only you will ever know. Don’t give those who only wish to see you fail that satisfaction of finally seeing you fail. Lit it up tall and high like only you can and ever will.

Death

I never knew how hard it was to journey this life alone until it came and slapped me right in the face. What children do to their parents when they are nearing the end of their lives can only be amounted to the pain and torment that they had caused. I see so many entitled children running a muck driving their parents into an early grave. Not the young ones under foot I mean the ones that never go away. They fester like an untreated wound just causing irritation and causing others to feel disarray. What other’s feel they are entitled too always comes at another’s expense or worse yet decay. I don’t want to live this life if I have to keep on paying by these rules. Death is coming for all of us one day the when and where some of us may never now however, for a very select few who get to age out in this story we call life should be treated like the treasure that only a life well lived could hold.

Industry Standards

Loyalty ain’t a thing no more and why does it have to be? We all come alive on a keyboard hiding the truth from all others and getting used to our filth and our lies. Not me. I can’t live like that. I am going to run fiercely in the direction that is super loving and supporting without taking a glimpse in my review as I run by. The older we get the less of a chance we have to get it right so why keep those close to us who are just waiting for us to fail and meet our demise?

Through Rose Coloured Glasses

Be all that you were born to be before it is too late. Don’t mind what others are saying about you in time what is being said will become just the faintest of whispers. It shouldn’t matter as much who is kind to you as long as you are being kind to yourself. You can make a mountain out of a molehill or you can turn it into a strawberry field for all to feed. You will never know who you will become until you can step outside of the shadows and finally live free.

One Day

To live life a little differently and to always be honest and speak your truth. I am not scared of what can be done to me but more what I am capable of and I will surround me with the strongest until my voice is heard. I keep trying and throwing all the sh*t hoping that one day something will eventually stick. And some times something does in an indirect way but more often than not it is saved up for another day. One day will come where this will all be forgotten and I will be taken away. Have I done all that I have set out to do or in life will I always be determined to remain calm and simply find another way.