I wish I gave a rat’s ass more but truth be told the reason I don’t is because I have felt the pain from somebody else’s filth. Like a hot burning rash that no ointment can soothe I rather sit alone than sit around tending to my open wounds. I know who I am and what I stand for and what gives me drive sometimes we just need the reminder. Like a kick in the arse or an eventual turn of the check you won’t get me twice, you won’t even get a chance to speak.
Walk a mile in my shoes unless I am bored and prone to coming unglued than all bets are off. These type of people are just a waste of time in my mind. Why even bother showing up if you hate everything about me and who I once was? All I was trying to do was survive a serious of continuous unfortunate events and be around the people I love. Is there people out there that even love me anymore or have all of them begin to weed themselves out and die? I wish I could feel something other than all this pain. The reel of my life plays more like a Hollywood movie than a country girl who only dared to dream.
People are capable of really bad things and I learned early on it is best not to ask questions. If you don’t ask anything you don’t know. Nobody can tax you or make you pay retribution for something in your mind that doesn’t even exist. You can’t rat on an associate if you know nothing. If you run with bad people make sure of that.
My husband should be understanding that there is only so long before a human does move on after being ignored all these years. It’s not like I don’t tell him. I just think it is funny that a man can go insane over somebody they were just starting to get to know. I am not looking to get laid or have any sort of one night stand. I just want to finally be accepted for all the things that I am.
At the same I am getting told off by some narcissist sliding into my DM’s with the latest dick pick I am also getting told off by my husband. I hate saying anything. Most times I just freeze up and become mute. On one end I am getting called a douche because I don’t want to respond to this hyper sexualized person as my husband arrives home to dictate my day.
In his smile I see every child that has ever taken a breath before and I thank the heavens that I get to squeeze his cute lil chin and his even sweeter cheruby little cheeks. My purpose here on this Earth as never been so clear. I am merely a servant, protector of human entities that need a chance to be healed. Follow your passion, follow your dreams is what whispers to me everyday. I want to feel connected to the blood that was spilled. I need Mother Earth to know I care.
When I first got married I was so excited for all the home packed work lunches complete with love notes, a clean house, dinner on the table and snuggles and kisses before bed. I haven’t been hugged (well side hugs not included) since our wedding day. And the last kiss I remember feeling would fall into about the same. I miss laughing with someone and sharing a smile or too. I wish for a miracle but I know that is just moo. Not in my reality not even for a day. For now I will just keep on keeping to myself I truly have nothing more to say.
Our lives are intertwined and then we become nothing for no reason? No something is at work much deeper here and it sucks all the more because I can feel it. Every fiber of my being begins to stand on edge and take notice. Are we as a race that heartless? is the almighty dollar really that more important? Than human life and love and freedom and laughter. We snuff it all without caring. We do it all without thinking. We don’t care who that somebody is that we are squashing underneath our feet. As long as it is not somebody we care about right? but what about if it were me?
How is it individually we can see the errors of our ways but when it comes to the powers that be they just turn their heads and close their eyes and hold their breaths waiting for more of us to die. The truth is out there so let’s maim and destroy it. This is the haunting cries from all generations now it’s time we even out the score. Not with malicious intent or purposes designed to hurt. It comes from being real. It takes rising out of the dirt.
I feel way too much and that’s what drove me to drugs and just needing to feel numb for just a little bit. The problem with an empath is we are to busy feeling others energies and then all of a sudden it is ours being ignored. I just want to live happy enjoying my family and friends. Is that too much to ask in this world, I think sometimes it is.