My husband hates everything about me and I can no longer hear him call me a c*nt on the regular, I am pretty sure he doesn’t even remember my name. Another night of me crying myself to sleep because of all the things he insists on saying to me in front of my son. My heart is breaking into a million pieces and there is nowhere for me to run.
I never wanted to damage my son but what I am allowing for his father to do to us and him is more than I have ever wished or even wanted to have to wade through. I am not a dumb c*nt who is deserving to die. I don’t want to do the world a favour and let life slip me by. To hear these words that are said in front of my son makes me want to leave forever, always staying on the run.
Today is the day. I hope that I have the courage to do all the things that I have been too scared to do. Find a job. Apply for low-income housing and hope and pray that this nightmare will soon be going away. I get scared thinking that all the pets that have come to call this place their home might end up meeting their own demise. I can’t be the one holding a noose over their heads. Well, a needle jabbed into their arm but how much longer can I survive having to live this way? I don’t think I can survive knowing that they met their end because of me.
I am tired of being lied to or that matters of my heart are just a game. I never would have ended up here for as long as I did but he took my freedom away with little or no say. There is no niceties or trying to have my back. Just a constant barrage of insults where he is capable of going 0 to 360 flat. Agreeing to stay I was determined to live my life a little differently, trying to do the things that are impossible just to see if I was worthy of the impossible things. So far nothing has landed but I am more than determined to find out how it is possible to relate to the rest of the world.
When I first got married I was so excited for all the home packed work lunches complete with love notes, a clean house, dinner on the table and snuggles and kisses before bed. I haven’t been hugged (well side hugs not included) since our wedding day. And the last kiss I remember feeling would fall into about the same. I miss laughing with someone and sharing a smile or too. I wish for a miracle but I know that is just moo. Not in my reality not even for a day. For now I will just keep on keeping to myself I truly have nothing more to say.
There is no escaping the fear that comes when those in your life are content in beating you to death with your own fears. I know what I hate about myself and you do too. Why do you have to use it against me like you just found out how to use the ultimate tool. Behaviour like this just turns me off and pushes me far off farther to the side.
I am tired of existing alone in this house of chaos while he sleeps. I wonder how much longer I have in me to stay in something that is neither better or worse or just is. Either way I can see how he respects me in that in itself is something very hard to ignore.
I don’t know how certain books make their way onto my lap but once again I sit here in a pivotal, “Holy Shit” moment. The book is called the The Truth and the author is Neil Strauss he also wrote the New York Times Bestselling Author, The Game. You remember The Game don’t you? Made…
Curiously enough I always had hoped that maybe my husband would read my words and try to see it from my point of view. I imagined the day and what it would feel like and if it would somehow magically bring us together. The idea though on his authenticity is questioned when he can only…
I stretch my hand as far as it can go into the cold dark hair. Stretching my finger tips I think I can feel something. Sadly though whatever it is in front of me it is not my destiny to walk by it’s side. Forever cast aside in the shadows of my melancholy I struggle…