A Traumatic Search to find My Authentic Self

I think that is why so many people think I am crazy or why I can so easy bring a tear to my eye. I know what it feels like to live broken and have those closest to you hate you so much you wish you could die. Instead of having a family that was supposed to love me I was treated like garbage and thrown away. I am sorry I was forced to endure this pain it is something that lives inside of me still to this day.

High Standards

Do you have high standards? Maybe I should start with standards. Do you have any standards or do you just let anybody get in close to you? Imagine the damage that can be done if your secrets were told to the wrong people. Would they be there for you or would they turn their back and run?

Highly Charged and Overly Emotional

I feel for those who did nothing more than being born then they are forced to live a life that not many would wish their worst enemy ever to endure. When kindness and compassion can be the emotion that reins supreme it never ceases to amaze me how others will chose to be.

The Strength I Need

I couldn’t break the cycle because there was never anybody on the sidelines routing for me. I had to do it all again while being ridiculed. I got to a place where I could do was curse my good name. If you hated me I hated me too and there is not much one can do once you have reclaimed your place in the dirt. If it wasn’t for trying to prove my haters wrong I think I would have given up by now, my son gives me all the strength I need these days so that I can move on.

Becoming A Parent

Too each their own but how far do we allow them to go? Do we keep on encouraging them to take shots that are sure to be misses as we lower our expectations to be more accommodating. I know I need some sort of help I am not denying any of those facts but my fear is that what I am looking for is not available too me. I don’t know what I am looking for but I know it goes above any traditional sense. I am too highly charged and overly emotional for anybody to desire to ever get close.

Imagine An Existence

Imagine having to hear over and over again how pathetic you are and how you failed in all the ways. Imagine an existence where you are told your value is virtually worthless as they look down their nose at you and turn away. Imagine an existence where you are made to believe that you are a free loading nut whose value is tarnished, nobody else could ever want you so it is best if you just stay put.

Knocked Down a Level

.Hell has no fury than a lover scorned but what happens when they don’t like you? Well the 110% truth and reality is you have two choices and once you have made yours what right do you have to complain. Am I right? Because that is what I keep telling myself when I notice that nothing is ever going to change.

Final Say

Since I was very young I was forced to talk to a therapist which I never understood because they knew nothing at all about me. More to that they had no idea about the experiences I have gone through so how would they know how I felt and how these experiences made me to be.

What You Aren’t Prepared For

What the world doesn’t prepare you for is what you lose when you begin to age. My maternal clock has been ticking for awhile now, hosting my mental health in a fragile cage. You never quite know what you want until it is taken away. I think this is what I feel when the promise of a new day begins to fade.

Winning at Life

I live in a world where people rarely acknowledge you. That the only time they look up from their screens is to demand something else. I mean wouldn’t it kill them to acknowledge your existence and answer the question at hand or does it make sense to ignore a person and just wipe it under the sand?