Being taunted with this can all be solved if you just ate meat turned my heart into a knot. Sure my family were farmers and they eventually did eat meat but not initially. Not truthfully. And I am laying down my life in their honor as my sacrifice. Sure I may consume cannabis to an astronomical level but have you read the previous blogs? Have you been present for the nitty and the gritty? I am sure looking forward to having the energy to be putting the past behind me and that includes the negativity and the ugly. Homegirl don’t play no more games and I am done with being tired. I can’t wait to jazz hands all over the universe with my incredible posse to guide me….muahhhhh!
To lie and pretend like you are some way than the way that you are is one of the most deplorable traits. To ruin the life of another for having them believe in you makes it so you should have to pay for your betrayal and sin. I mean to each their own but you would think their would be some sort of consequences for living this life. Wouldn’t their be anarchy if there wasn’t? That thought has always complicated itself in my brain it seems. Why would we listen to those in power or even do the right thing if all we are in life gets returned back to the dirt, 6 feet under.
What would you do with yourself if you know how to make yourself full? Would you connect with those who made you or would you connect with the things that grow from the Earth. There has to be a connection to all this living and being and life. What does it all mean when it is over did we do all that we could possibly and more? Did we try to light up the night as we flew through the sky or did we keep our chins down to scared to finally fly?
So there it is I need to protect myself and make sure that I am always the reason. Love on myself like no other because there is no guarantee another ever will. Dress for yourself and greet every day dressed to impressed. I mean if the devil was going to come and take you today don’t you want to look as fierce as your soul felt while it was still on fire? There is only so much we can do to make the most of every day so I say do what it takes to make it count and be damned about all the hate and shade. Am I right?
At least that is where I get pulled sometimes when the energy threatens to take me when there is that incredible pull with no going back. That thought that takes us so far that once done it can’t be undone. That is what makes me sit on my hands in silence and close my eyes as I try to take notice of my space in the room. There is fear laced inside everything as I fear I may never be good enough. In an among the hesitation I realize at least if I don’t begin to start somewhere I never will no just how far I could have been.
I take on too much and I love what I do. Surrounded by all forms of life and taking chances connecting with others through their love of passion and art. That is what it means to me to be put on display. For that 15 to 30 seconds in time I am not alone and my purest intentions can be heard. Not by everyone and in that I am entirely ok. I don’t want to be bombarded by a million when one or two is all you need to fulfill a day. To make time matter and make the most of every minute is the only way I can think. When I take on way too much in the day and the dishes pile up in the sink I know that eventually they will get done so the last thing I do is to get into overdrive and begin to panic. I try to remain in somewhat control of my emotions it just gets hard when you think you are moving mountains and come up against a hill. Is there anything more annoying than those who say they are inclusive of everybody? Except you…ya you. You can go away!
Yes I know I am old and curvy and had a child but why should I feel ashamed about any of that just so you can have your way. I will not let anybody have power over me anymore. Not in the way I express myself. How I dress. How I chose to medicate or even how I chose to love. My time here is far to precious to be poisoned by the lies that other people think about me. My body. My rules. I don’t care what other people have to say or even think. The truth I know deep inside my heart. The lies you tell yourself to keep me broken I use as fuel so in essence in a round about way thank you. We are done here now. Nothing else.
Self worth. Sense of self. You know our purpose to living and where our hopes amd dreams come to fruition. Who we were meant to be when no one else is around, when their backs are turned or when we are alone in the dark in the middle of the night. All the outside variables becoming still in your mind for it is at this time you finally feel complete. Not pulled to pieces in every which way as we rise to meet the demands of the day.
Another thing that blows my mind is how self righteous some claim to be but always let something defeat them like jealousy, anger or even rage. I feel it all the time on my day to day. Those I used to know decide they don’t like me like I was pretending to be somebody I wasn’t born to be. Maybe at one time I used but I was a product of unfortunate circumstances. The point being of course is that people can change but only when they admit their faults and try to life more conscious and aware of who they are and how they came to be. I rarely indulge in fake and phonies and only do so as a matter of fact. Like the fact that I have to be in the room with some is out of respect for others and there is nothing else that matters than the kind of love like that. At least in my mind.
My biggest fear is that there is nothing so everything we did here will become lost. What would be the point of all this and all the people we stabbed in the bag and betrayed. Will our devious actions be forgiven or will they be carried beyond the grave? I could only imagine what those who have lived before think about us now and would they still fight for our lives to save. Lay their lives on the line for our more than obnoxious ways. So the only chance to save ourselves from an incredible fall from grace is to be kind to one another and try to always return a smiling face.