I did something I wish I did a long time ago, I deleted Facebook. I never truly got the validation that I was thinking I would get from it. The more raw and real I became the more I was hated so now it is time to refocus and walk away. So what will happen to me? Only time will tell but for now I need to draw myself deep in and hide. I have made the last few amends until I fade into oblivion back to focus on what is important but nothing more.
The contest I was a part of I never made it to the top 10 and I tried. When I look down the list of names though each and every one is very much deserving to be there so it is not. I still adore and appreciate all the other contestants but my heart still hurts from not healing from my loss. I thought if I could turn it into something good that maybe karma would forgive me but now here I am with nothing to give but myself. Hence the pull inwards. Nobody cares too much to see what I have to offer or say. I am just one person with a small broken heart that is working tirelessly to do the wrong things but I am always falling short. This is in no way to take away from anybody’s shine but to help me try and find my own.
I never truly knew how much it could all hurt until it all started happening to me. How long do you stand in your beliefs before you finally say hey now these may be skewed. I have listened to so many opinions and tend to get blindsided every time. I am nowhere closer to who I want to be yet the time keeps running down. Chasing somebody else’s dreams has gotten me nowhere. What I was looking for in these pageants was validation of my existence and thinking inwards I have yet to find that. I have yet to look in the eyes of a human who says I know you. I feel your struggles and let’s walk this life together. I think that is where I go missing. As the 13 year old girl when I hold out my hand waiting for my Dad to talk it and for life to go on like it would before but it never could. Instead of being Daddy’s little girl I was Daddy’s little used piece of garbage not worthy of any many or friends it would seem.
I feel exposed in my fragility because I am still farther away from being accepted by anybody. My husband will never touch me and that paralyzes me. You have no idea the sacrifices it that went in to trying to conceive our baby in the first place. It was one of the most mentally distant moments of my life. No love, only necessary touching but through the grace of God there it happened. What a mockery of life that it turned out to be. No heart. No heart, no mind. Let me sit here for another year feeling wasted and deprived. I am so confused on what my purpose could possibly be I don’t even know where to start. I haven’t played my violin in weeks and taking pictures just seems to annoy my husband even more. Where do you find purpose in a world? Is it enough to care for m son and animals and maintain an immaculate house or as women do we have to want more. I try to learn about other times and cultures and try to decipher the secrets intertwined inside. But for me what have I done? Some wasted piece of paper with Bachelor’s scrawled on it. A few dead babies and o ne or two friends. Is that success? Or am I supposed to ignore all the ways that life has hurt me and smile like I haven’t even batted an eye.
I suppose instead of throwing myself into a sea of a million I will remain content with my small koi pond. That was probably my biggest mistake. Trying to make it seem like I fit in anywhere other than these four walls that make up my home. When I try to hard to impress everybody else it is those that I love that end up suffering the most. With so many lives under one roof it is non stop go since your feet hit the floor and there is no stopping until midnight or more. When I get too involved with everything else that I hope to achieve I end up getting nothing done. Well next to nothing done. I am unsure who it is that I want to be. I am unclear to know just who I am. I used to think that I had found my place but I can quickly see how wrong I was. Acceptance should never have you standing on the outside wishing you were in. Or maybe that is the confusion, that is a wish that I never made. To blend in with a crowd that is going to limit your intentions or walk alone with no expectations being made. What I know is the years since becoming a mother have been damning and maybe it is because my focus wasn’t always towards that. Have I been too selfish in my motherly ways or have I crossed an ethereal way of being where the two worlds can collide? What I know for now is I need to be where some can not find me. My heart is still broken and raw from the decay. There is no final moment of transcendence when you begin to reach your earthly limits. You just look for a different way to exist if you can.