From time to time and only the humans I can trust. The ones who haven’t tried to pervert the human experience and make me feel like I am living in a shoe. Maybe not a shoe but I like to feel like I belong but then I get confused. Do I want to belong in a world that makes no sense? Or do I want to be an enigma that is perfectly me. That can light up the night and hold out a hand. I would rather be a friend to one than many. What do you think? do you want to be loved by many or authentically by one?
I have never stared into the eyes of evil. Not in any sort of memorable way. Not that I can remember however so what does that have to say? Say about me or those involved one thing I know for sure I am tired of fighting for the cause. An unknown entity or specific way of being. I will keep on trying till I win, I hope, unless of course I am dying. No regrets in life at least that is what I hope. Life may not make sense for many but I think it’s all in how you define it.
When I asked my father about God and why we didn’t go to church he told me the answers that others were so desperate to seek lay deep down inside of me. That those who needed reassurance in another entity or being needed to come together in such a way. I had to ask these questions as the closest friend I have ever known had welcomed Jesus into her life everyday. What does that mean? What about me? As a young girl trying to understand the living this little piece of information was devastating to me. How can some follow while others are led astray? And what does this have to do with being human when we are constantly worrying about salvation and what lays in wait on the other side. Can’t we all just live? Why can’t we all just be free?
My biggest fear is what people say when you are around so I chose not to be. I live like I was 5 years old again to scared to be noticed but also too scared that nobody will notice me. Those that speak ill of those they claim to be friends with have me heading for the hills. Bonus points for being ugly when you laugh at another’s domestic situation and how those caught in that web are subject to abuse. There is no beauty to be found in another person’s demise. These are the people who make living ugly and have me pulling out my hair.
When I wake tomorrow a part of me wishes for a different life. A life free of being another’s proverbial punching bag and a life where I am worthy of being loved and other warm fuzzy human feelings of reciprocation. After you have been void of even the simplest of human emotions your body begins to shut down. You forget what it even means to be human anyways and you become easily angered and full of fear. The lies that have been handed down to you through the years tarnish what makes you human and desecrated on your ancestors grave.
It is humans who continue to ruin the human experience. I hate my similarities with them. They make me want to run for the hills. Like Jim said people are strange. And they are. The things we keep telling ourselves in order for us to be able to sleep at night makes us some of the most ridiculous creatures on Earth. I can’t believe all that we expose ourselves to and that hate we insist on justifying.
There is an honor that comes in just being here and being able to experience this moment so no matter how trying it is I am not ready to even think of letting go. Than the truth comes in and thatcan never be taken away from me that when thus moment of time is ready to it will just split us apart and take this moment away. How I long to experience that moment between divine and forever eternity I am too scared of the living but I am more scared to let go. Can I just be fabulous for one more moment in the presence of those who loved me most? Can they breathe the life of youth one more time right back onto me I will settle for one more hug and a squish of the cheek before they go.
Well for starters I started reading regularly again. 25 pages with my morning coffee. My book of choice….crystals, please come and guide me to the light. Literally and figuratively and all things in between. If we are light and crystals reflect light what do you think that can all mean? You can’t hide in and amongst the shadows and expect to be rewarded. You have to try and apply all that you are, religiously and meticulously and watch all the warmth and light that flys by.
Sure it’s hard and I get distracted but I always take a deep breath and get myself back up! Don’t you? If you could? That is why I keep talking so much gibberish. Just a little word vomit this cold, Saturday morning makes me wonder how it is you are doing? Do you find peace and calm in and amongst the day or is there more chaos in every possible way? Take a deep breath and don’t forget to breath. There is peace in your own serenity that nobody could ever take away from you and nobody could ever find. Have faith in your truth and knowing who you are. One day you will be returned you were destined to be a star.
Decades of being the victim I still play the part even though the reality of it is all that was a lifetime ago. I don’t know any other way than to play the part. What would that mean to me if all that abuse never happened? If I never played the part of the victim and found a way to honor the child I was before it all got blown out of proportion and I was made out to feel some sort of way. Never destined to be good enough or even invited out to play I was born to be a loner. A loner in abundance what it means to be alive. I feel comfort amongst the inadequate life that finds a way to embrace me in such a way that man could never.