What Makes Me Sick

Maybe we have too much time on our hands that make us believe we are happiest behaving this way. There is so much more to experience in this life then getting the crap beat out of you as you keep begging for more. Sorry if I seem bothered but I am triggered just a bit. The idea that at anytime a man is justified in hitting a woman is the very essence in this world that makes me sick.

Breaking Bread

Energy. Feel the energy in the room. Feel the shift deepen and lengthen dependent upon the beings that come across this space in this moment of time. Resonate the truth of love you want other’s to feel from you and let that become your guiding point home. Everything I have wrote about before was a reflection of my own short comings and no more.

What Brings Me Joy

I never allowed anybody to define my own happines although I have allowed one or two others to be the mastermind behind taking it all away. One of the only piece of advice my Dad gave me was to never put your eggs into one basket and I hope that you are brave enough to do the same. My Dad wasn’t. He couldn’t even follow his own advice. He let a coyote run havoc in his hen house and wouldn’t you know they had demolished all of his eggs.

In Limbo

I wait in limbo because if I go anywhere but there my hope in the future will surely die. I can’t focus on the possibility of what could have been and maybes because I can’t let too much time slip on by. What I do though is marinade in her thoughts and memories and anything else that I was feeling during that time. If only I can remember those days then it is like you are still here with me. No matter how hard I try I am still broken and it is incredibly impossible for the rest of the world to ever understand or even try to believe.

A Traumatic Search to find My Authentic Self

I think that is why so many people think I am crazy or why I can so easy bring a tear to my eye. I know what it feels like to live broken and have those closest to you hate you so much you wish you could die. Instead of having a family that was supposed to love me I was treated like garbage and thrown away. I am sorry I was forced to endure this pain it is something that lives inside of me still to this day.

High Standards

Do you have high standards? Maybe I should start with standards. Do you have any standards or do you just let anybody get in close to you? Imagine the damage that can be done if your secrets were told to the wrong people. Would they be there for you or would they turn their back and run?

Highly Charged and Overly Emotional

I feel for those who did nothing more than being born then they are forced to live a life that not many would wish their worst enemy ever to endure. When kindness and compassion can be the emotion that reins supreme it never ceases to amaze me how others will chose to be.

The Strength I Need

I couldn’t break the cycle because there was never anybody on the sidelines routing for me. I had to do it all again while being ridiculed. I got to a place where I could do was curse my good name. If you hated me I hated me too and there is not much one can do once you have reclaimed your place in the dirt. If it wasn’t for trying to prove my haters wrong I think I would have given up by now, my son gives me all the strength I need these days so that I can move on.

I Don’t Want To Change

I finally get what people say when they don’t want anybody to change them. I feel like my husband is not able to accept me for who I am because he is incapable of loving me through all my emotional damage. Instead of telling me it will be ok and giving me a hug when I am manic he insults me and makes fun of me. Basically he just keeps pushing me further away.

What’s Going On?

This leads me to the importance of keeping your circle close and to have some sort of standards and a core value in place. If somebody in your life is constantly disrespecting you, there must be some sort of attached value or finite price. Why allow somebody who doesn’t have an interest in your heart have a say on what is going on

The Damage Is Done

If it ain’t broke don’t fix it but this relationship is damaged beyond repaired. The more things that are said out of anger are pushing me to a place where I can never forgive and honestly I don’t care. I began returning him the favour but I can see now how damaging that would be for our son. All I want is for him to see that we can be grown and act responsible he is seeing far too much for such a little kid.

Becoming A Parent

Too each their own but how far do we allow them to go? Do we keep on encouraging them to take shots that are sure to be misses as we lower our expectations to be more accommodating. I know I need some sort of help I am not denying any of those facts but my fear is that what I am looking for is not available too me. I don’t know what I am looking for but I know it goes above any traditional sense. I am too highly charged and overly emotional for anybody to desire to ever get close.