Energy. Feel the energy in the room. Feel the shift deepen and lengthen dependent upon the beings that come across this space in this moment of time. Resonate the truth of love you want other’s to feel from you and let that become your guiding point home. Everything I have wrote about before was a reflection of my own short comings and no more.
That is where I lie with my ghosts, thoughts and my angels hoping for a time that will be pure happiness and bliss. I have to remind myself to be thankful even in the times when those feelings are harder to miss. Yes I am thankful for where I am so why do I allow my thoughts to become so greedy? I think that is the poison of being alone, confined to a solitary where your thoughts become the only words you hear.
I like to picture a time where happiness ruled supreme. Where people were kind to each other instead of being malicious and mean. There is something to be said for those individuals that only come out at night. I have always been scared of the darkness because I was forced to witness what other people can truly be. I watched friends set up another friend and beat him into oblivion with their girlfriends capturing it all with their cameras. I remember when they came to the party bragging to me what they had done. They told me his eyes was hanging from his socket and I was just horrified of what they could classify as fun.
I remember once my sister told me to kill myself. To do the world a favour and do myself away. I remember how awful I felt on the inside, knowing that I didn’t have anybody who would care for me in this world. My Dad already deemed me a write off citing all the ways that I have failed to fuel his fire. Imagine being told in every which way that you are a failure, too stupid to even know how to breathe. If I listened to what everybody was saying about me I would hate myself. Maybe in some ways I already do.
Every which way I turn my head I am confronted with the way we have all failed. We had one job and one job only and that was to live compassionately but we decided to throw all that and then some out the window instead. Be nice unless there is value in beating Bob then hit him over the head. Nobody is watching you anyways and can you believe all the things that he said? Listen to him go on and on about how much better he is than all of us. Is that a greenback I see coming out of his wallet? Oh hell that is like a thousand dollars sitting there just waiting for me. Then there is consequences to your actions to which there is none. As long as you say you are sorry and promise to repeat that offending action again. Do you know how many murderers I have crossed path with that have only served 1/3 of their time? Pedophiles? Rapists? I kid you not.
I guess that is why I am hated because I try to leave this world as beautiful to which it was that I came. I love doing my hair, make-up and to dress accordingly…lol even I could not keep a straight face. I dress up daily, usually, as did my Grandmother tending to her family and her farm in the most loving and feminine ways. I wish we could remember what it felt like to be connected to somebody instead of trying to chase all that purity and goodness away.
At first I thought I was going to have to wear scarves to cover up my leopard spotted hair. Remember before I was always told that blonde would never be a color I could consider in this world. Where every brunette before me was up against a force I realized the power that a bottle of peroxide could actually hold. My one regret is not doing it sooner so I could have capitalized on my youth but what I have is kahuna sized balls to live a life that. However contemplating over facts for a minute I can not help to note that those that I adore from that time who chose to go blonde never got a chance to make it to middle age. Is that where maybe I can step and help others love themselves as they begin to turn old and grey.
The way they would look at me or talk down to me because of the way I dressed or desired to be myself. Why would I conform to everybody else’s set of standards when there is nothing of value to leech from? Everything is made in a factory in China or maybe by children in Indonesia. Living proof we don’t care what is served at other people’s tables our house is lined with junk to confirm that fact. That is why I like handmade or home cured none of this coming in plastic crap. Sorry for venting I just see this world filling with garbage a lot quicker than we want to give ourselves credit for.
In reality life is nothing like Hollywood. Well not the happy ending part. What seems to be alive, right out from the movies is the desire to double cross and get rich for not even lifting a finger or lending a helping hand. Sisters will forget the memories of their youth as they thicken their plot to help you reach your demise. What I have seen blood relatives do to each other will send shivers up your spine.
When do you start losing faith in humanity? I mean real faith that will make it so nothing can permeate from deep within. I will always maintain what humans are capable of make some of us monsters, leaving the rest of us to glorify in their filth and decay.
When I see shots on my social depicting rape I don’t say anything why is it that you are determined to report lil ol me? All these sacrifices being made as you sub to your leader triggers me in all the wrong ways without you even batting an eye, but me? My PTSD and anxiety threatens to take over me. What I don’t understand is how my pot smoking triggers you even though I need this delicious elixir just to breath.