Breaking Bread

Energy. Feel the energy in the room. Feel the shift deepen and lengthen dependent upon the beings that come across this space in this moment of time. Resonate the truth of love you want other’s to feel from you and let that become your guiding point home. Everything I have wrote about before was a reflection of my own short comings and no more.

A Man’s Way

I never wanted to damage my son but what I am allowing for his father to do to us and him is more than I have ever wished or even wanted to have to wade through. I am not a dumb c*nt who is deserving to die. I don’t want to do the world a favour and let life slip me by. To hear these words that are said in front of my son makes me want to leave forever, always staying on the run.

A Confused Morality

I still believe in true love. I think that is why I can’t behave in such a way. Why just throw down with just anybody when I can find the one who fills my heart with joy and makes me believe in the brightness of each day. Inside each woman is the promise of a new beginning so why just pollute the potential for greatness while filling up each and every hole. Seal it up with whatever can be found and don’t treat it like the gift that was given when you can pound it into the ground.

In the Cover of Darkness

We are notorious for judging a book by it’s cover and only seeing what it is that we truly want to see. We can excuse away any kind of piss poor behaviour by citing all sorts of depravity that the world so desperately wants to believe. We can’t believe in anybody or anything anymore as fairytales turn to darkness preventing anybody else from ever being able to see.

The Vain Reality

Never again and not anymore well I ever let a being close to me that has less than honourable intentions. Either for me in this world or the beings that I call my friend. There is no way I will give up when I can keep on trying relentlessly to the end.

My Battle With Anxiety

I am riddled with anxiety because I feel sick inside of this life. There is no way that this is normal as I choke back on the bile just so I can say a few words. Life shouldn’t be this constant struggle and insane battle that constantly has me worried, left struggling to get in air.

All Out of Sorts

It’s like I want that time that they promised to me but how can I turn my back on my son? He is my creation and he is struggling in this world. What kind of person would I be if I only focused on me. The accusations are heavy like I only care about me but nothing can be further from the truth. I rise up each day so that he see me having confidence even though I am shaking in my boots with one foot in the grave. I am barely hanging on to my own sanity and I am more than thankful for him needing me as he does each and every day. I know I need to sever the ties though but not at the expense of his confidence, trust and mind. If I have to wait outside those school walls until he turns 18 I will do so with a smile on my face and not cursing the day that he decided to come and have his way.

Centre of my World

Just a little bit longer can he be the center of my world? but I have to be realistic when it comes time from separating him from me. I know it is a scary world out there so I need to do what I can to empower him and that is to sharpen up his senses and help him understand the words and emotions that other beings just can not see. Maybe not directly but in time it will become almost so. All I want for him is the best chance at existing. I think that will be my life mission until I grow old.

Things I Wished I Learned

All she is is a memory with her wedding photo on my desktop to make me cry. A young woman with so much hope, virality and promise who dreamed of a family one day. One day. Now that one day is gone. Her family is still here but one day they won’t be. I need her to be around somewhere hopefully smiling down on me. When the rest of the world hates me I pray that she still loves me. I need to believe in something or I have no idea where I would end up or eventually be.

Dishonourable Intentions

I know one day this will be all over as time as we know it is slowly ticking away. It feels like just yesterday I was a 20 year old with so much hope and promise only to be kicked out by my knees when I hit 30 only to catch my breath when 40 rolled around to wake up to where I am now. Those people who always wish for more time to get up and do something never fully realized that the time to get up is now.

Tyrannical Rage

Today is the day. I hope that I have the courage to do all the things that I have been too scared to do. Find a job. Apply for low-income housing and hope and pray that this nightmare will soon be going away. I get scared thinking that all the pets that have come to call this place their home might end up meeting their own demise. I can’t be the one holding a noose over their heads. Well, a needle jabbed into their arm but how much longer can I survive having to live this way? I don’t think I can survive knowing that they met their end because of me.