To each there own. There must be a better way? All I want is a life that doesn’t hurt in every which way. Getting yelled at from everybody I just want to vanish into thin air. This is not the life that I dreamed about when I was a kid but I do know what it feels like when a parent stops loving you. I have never stopped loving my son I am just desperate for him to have a better life. He deserves so much love. So much happiness. When I am surrounded by so much negativity all I am trying to do is survive.
Month: April 2022
Losing Life’s Meaning
My heart hurts. Of course it would. Life tends to lose all meaning as quick as it suddenly does. We all want to find our place in this timeline before we take our last breath. Everybody wants to be a gangster but do they have what it takes to keep their mouths fed? To put…
Am I Neurotypical?
Now these are just my thoughts about a situation that has arose and it deeply affected me. Not having many I trust in this life I kept this malicious keyboard attack completely to myself. I couldn’t engage. How could I? From the time I get up is a constant attack on my character. Be a better mom. Be a better wife. This is why you have no friends. This is why you have no life. Every little thing hurts and then my son gets up. There is no sinking feeling greater than hearing your son get so enraged. He needs help beyond what a mother can normally give. Have you ever heard your son talk about killing themselves and did I mention that he is only 4? Yes at 13 I threatened suicide but I was just raped. Did I squish my son to react like me? At 4 I would like to hope I didn’t, so? Of course I shut myself off because the life that I am living really hurts and it completely sucks.
Slain
Aren’t some people gross and the things that they can do? The way that they can overly justify their behaviour even though they are out of their minds and deranged. We have to stop giving people immediate access to us like they deserve it. Did they earn it in some way?? Did they go over and beyond the traditional conventional means or did they just waste away there on the sidelines using their anger as the be all and and end all to have it their way as it seems? Those who are overly aggressively in their mannerisms should serve as an immediate red light. Give to much room for them to wiggle out from underneath and you just might find yourself ending up slain.
Perceived as Superficial
Those who judge without living in glass houses should never be entitled to throw stones. I am tired of having a finger wagged at me for how I choose to medicate I just wish that some people would go away. At 300 mg of effexor, zoplicon and ativan I wasn’t me. Not even close. I became somebody who wasn’t even me. I shunned away those that showed me their true colors and what side of the fence they actually lived on and I continued on a journey that was 100% truly me. Sure it hurts when those you enjoy in life just cut you off but my life has value too.
Light It Up
Anyways that’s my daily rant and I am sticking to it. No since arguing over spilled milk because you know at the end of the day if a cat ain’t around to clean it up then I best be getting it done. Why make a mountain out of a mole hill if I can prevent it at the starting line. I know most days what I need to do to get things done it is just a matter of putting the blinders on and trying to remain incredibly focused. Committed to the task at hand like only a soul on fire could ever dream of mastering one day. Why chase the chance at finding true love when you can find it in yourself after all this time? Become your own best friend like your life depended on it and radiate your truth from the sky. Nobody can promise you that it will be worth it in the end but only you will ever know. Don’t give those who only wish to see you fail that satisfaction of finally seeing you fail. Lit it up tall and high like only you can and ever will.
Burnt Stew
Who needs to take on that uncalculated risk when we already know the results that we can at best hope for. That people in public places will act cordial in front of strangers instead of sneering a row full of sharks teeth. I wish. There are those that are just chomping at the bit “to put you in your place” and to them I giggle I school girl giggle and say “I welcome you to try your best.” See I have never waivered in who I wanted to be. I portrayal of what I thought it meant to be female in my Grandmother’s best image that is all. What some see as a “slut” I see I woman who is VERY in control of herself. So much so I chose to fire my shots artistically instead of lying to any open ear. What do you do at the end of the night when all you have left is you? Are you happy with the outcome of previous events or do you keep sobbing over burnt stew?
Death
I never knew how hard it was to journey this life alone until it came and slapped me right in the face. What children do to their parents when they are nearing the end of their lives can only be amounted to the pain and torment that they had caused. I see so many entitled children running a muck driving their parents into an early grave. Not the young ones under foot I mean the ones that never go away. They fester like an untreated wound just causing irritation and causing others to feel disarray. What other’s feel they are entitled too always comes at another’s expense or worse yet decay. I don’t want to live this life if I have to keep on paying by these rules. Death is coming for all of us one day the when and where some of us may never now however, for a very select few who get to age out in this story we call life should be treated like the treasure that only a life well lived could hold.
Industry Standards
Loyalty ain’t a thing no more and why does it have to be? We all come alive on a keyboard hiding the truth from all others and getting used to our filth and our lies. Not me. I can’t live like that. I am going to run fiercely in the direction that is super loving and supporting without taking a glimpse in my review as I run by. The older we get the less of a chance we have to get it right so why keep those close to us who are just waiting for us to fail and meet our demise?
Weird At Best
Furs, feathers, skin. Aren’t we all created equal? All confused to what we are doing here and how could we begin to use each other to get our hearts desire with little or no help. Isn’t that what we have been conditioned to do? Pull the wool over our eyes till it all makes sense? What if it never does in the end and we wasted all this time believing something that wasn’t true.
Miss Ruby Sweet Cheeks 
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