In reality life is nothing like Hollywood. Well not the happy ending part. What seems to be alive, right out from the movies is the desire to double cross and get rich for not even lifting a finger or lending a helping hand. Sisters will forget the memories of their youth as they thicken their plot to help you reach your demise. What I have seen blood relatives do to each other will send shivers up your spine.
When do you start losing faith in humanity? I mean real faith that will make it so nothing can permeate from deep within. I will always maintain what humans are capable of make some of us monsters, leaving the rest of us to glorify in their filth and decay.
When I see shots on my social depicting rape I don’t say anything why is it that you are determined to report lil ol me? All these sacrifices being made as you sub to your leader triggers me in all the wrong ways without you even batting an eye, but me? My PTSD and anxiety threatens to take over me. What I don’t understand is how my pot smoking triggers you even though I need this delicious elixir just to breath.
Rejection hurts doesn’t it? Especially by those that you have come to adore. The ones you look up to, to radiate sunshine will have regurgitating your lunch and sometimes more. Did they really just say that? Is that how they really feel? I had no idea they felt this way about me. Not everything is as it seems.
I think about all the ways we as humans fail each other and my soul cries a little more whenever their is a loss of innocence or one dies. Life in all of its abundance should be celebrated instead of acknowledged when one feels just ok.
I shouldn’t say anything but I know that I need to speak up. Being abused mentally, physically and sexually as a teen girl I think I know a fraction of the feelings that are swelling around inside each Indigenous person’s brain. I don’t want to assume but coming face to face with the one in charge of spreading such evil across this land no apology could ever make do. There are so many reasons why this is so absurd and without stepping on any toes let me try to explain.
Life gets hard when you think nobody is noticing and it gets even worse when you believe you aren’t worthy of love. It is hard when every day is filled with so much yelling and anger. Stemming from my toddler, my husband and even me. There is so much hostility at times it becomes almost suffocating and that is why it becomes so important to have a deeper connection with oneself.
For one more moment I would to be looked at again with so much love. If I have to be the one to take that moment then I may just be the only person out there who cares.
Where most people have struggles I just want to help them out. It is hard to know who is there for you in a world that is growing so cold. My whole life I thought what would I do if I was able to help. I now know what I can do is encourage other people to reach out. I think that is what makes it so easy to want to identify myself as being extremely feminine. A portrayal of a woman, a wife, a mother who would do anything for those she loves most in the world.
So I am going to get even weirder as I search for my truth and my quest to live my life more authentic. Whose life would I be living if I was living in any other way and when it comes to living our lives I would consider that to be the greatest sin.
Life is nothing more than what you are and all the things within you that will never be taken away. When I leave I will leave everything I had valued behind so who better not to entrust it with a loved one I shared my life with. I have to try again if only for a companion for my son and of course another chance of being a better mom. When I close my eyes all I dream about is a family. In my heart I know I have given up everything in my life just for the chance to be here. And here I am.