The hardest part of the daily grind is finding the energy to get going on it. Will today be the day that all your hard work will begin to pay off and you will finally begin to be noticed or will it be another day above ground with you pounding your head into the sand?

We all have the same 24 hours and what we do with that time is entirely up to us. Do you waste your time aimlessly watching tv or do you struggle against all odds for the world to see? You know what I mean. Maybe I even don’t but what is the sense of doing the same thing over and over again when we are determined and destined to look for something new?

Lies. I hate lies. When the truth is so much easier how do we insist on fabricating tales to tell the world? Don’t we think the truth will come out eventually? Maybe in archaic times when their was no traces but in modern times there would be no way. With the eyes of big brother resting heavily upon us there is no way we can pull the wool over anybody’s eyes for too long.

Strangers pose the greatest risk. When left alone with somebody new there is no telling what it is that they can do. Always sleep with one eye open unless you can make it home to sleep, you should do what it is that you can.

Do you ever think like that? Where is it that you go when you go to sleep? Do you travel off to somewhere far in another distant reality or even world? Do we finally get to become all the things we daydream about when we are awake? What is stopping us from becoming the version of ourselves that makes us happiest? Is it because it is off putting to most others out there in the world?

I know for me there are things that I do that are off putting or unsettling. Take my artistic display of my body and femininity. That is what taking pictures means to me. Before you get your knickers in a knot I need you to know one dang thing, there is nothing beautiful about wanting to capture your essence, your youth before time and nature begins to erode it all away.

My Great Grandfather used to take pictures in the nude with strategically placed items covering certain places. My biggest fear in life are those photos are gone and I will never be able to share them with my kids. Yes kids plural. I will always be hopeful that I will prove my worth to my angels and they will bestow onto me Earth’s greatest pleasures and gifts. I yearn for a daughter to have her be my legacy that lives on. I know it is a heavy weight to bear onto somebody who is not here but this is what I feel I so desperately need to accomplish at some point, somehow. I know right. Impossible odds but so is fate. Nothing is ever promised to be wonderful and beautiful and chances are they will never amount to be anything that is great.

My thoughts are very complicated but I like to think that maybe they are the same as somebody out there. When I go about my day I think about what it would be like for my Grandparents when they were kids. I don’t like to take anything for granted even though I do have a lot. What people like to misconceive about me is that I am greedy but what it is is that I am thankful for the gifts that my angels have given to me after all these years. What I have I will gladly share among many, as long as they are worthy to be bestowed upon with such gifts.

Life is nothing more than what you are and all the things within you that will never be taken away. When I leave I will leave everything I had valued behind so who better not to entrust it with a loved one I shared my life with. I have to try again if only for a companion for my son and of course another chance of being a better mom. When I close my eyes all I dream about is a family. In my heart I know I have given up everything in my life just for the chance to be here. And here I am.

Age is just a number that time gives no weight to when it decides to take it all away. A friend’s sister was murdered at 35 last Friday and then there was the lady down the street here who just turned 108. Fate is what stood between these two lives like a predetermined destiny that was just waiting to play out. I have to believe that all life means something and that is a lot of life and living to try and take in. So I do what I can and focus on the lives that I have touched. Whose presence has meant something and their faces come alive in my dreams. If you are somebody who has meant something to me during this time then I will honour your existence until I take my last breath. I will keep on trying to make something stick, like my old branch manager at the bank used to say. That was decades ago now. He may not even still be alive and there was a time in my life when I saw his face everyday. Pretty close.

I think that is why I like to share my thoughts because I have so many. They all come together in one bittersweet jumble of chaos and it is hard to decipher on the best of days. On the worst of days I am a mess but can you blame me for that? I think that is why I find so much solace living among a multitude of life and cats.

Thank you for being here and following along. It has been almost 5 years of daily journaling reaching out to the world in a journey of self discovery. I know I am not for everybody but here I am writing for you. If you like my eccentric personality please consider showing your support on my other social media outlets. You can find me on Facebook and Instagram as Miss Ruby Sweet Cheeks and my YouTube Channel at this link

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCT44prvb_o835cQOG327hbQ

Thanks for being here!! I appreciate you xx