What I can tell you is soul mates do exist. That there is somebody out there who completes you. Who makes it seem like you can never come up for air. Time will stop when you are together and everything makes sense as long as you are sharing the same air. What will rip two people who are meant to be together is their true destiny. I am talking about having the same goals and feelings that are able to be shared.
Ever since I was a little girl I wanted a family. Maybe to replace the one that was stripped away. I never was one of those girls who spurned the idea. It burned a fired in my being that very morning my angel went away.
I struggled when she left me. She was all I ever wanted even though I didn’t even have a clue what to do. At 13 it would have been a situation of babies raising babies and I wasn’t prepared to live a life that I was yet to live.
Boys were always just a passing fancy. Coming in all shapes and sizes that the mind can imagine. I loved them all. Well at first until they opened their mouths. Lol I was horrified in the manner in which most of them spoke.
I just waded along aimlessly. In no hurry to get tied down to somebody who couldn’t ignite my soul. The years passed and I was still mystified. I remember dumping a long time boyfriend after he called me a c*nt. You see I had these standards that needed to be met and first and foremost was not only respect for me but respect for myself. He called me this name after a frustrating drive on the way home from my Grandmother’s funeral. I bit my tongue and dumped him as soon as he dropped me off back home.
My ex’s never understood how I could be so quick to toss em out. If you were rude to me once and got away with it you will be rude to me over and over again so I would show them the door out. I have never been one to regret any of those decisions, until he walked into my life almost 20 years ago.
I laugh now because out of everybody I have ever known he has always been the one. Nobody has ever compared to the way he has made me feel. After meeting him I compared EVERYBODY to those feelings and let me tell you there is nobody I have met who has made me need to come up for air.
I know why now soul mates are not supposed to be together. It’s because in this lifetime they will never get anything done. As much as I wanted to experience this love that I know was made for me I know it was wrong so I packed up my bags and left.
I put time and distance between us because I knew it was the only way. If I was going to survive and have the life I deserved I needed to put the blinders on and numb all feelings. It was going to be hard but the life I always wanted was right there within my grasp. I needed to. I knew that if I finally gave in to his advances I would be put into a situation where I would lose all control but that doesn’t stop the heart from beating and longing to have a heart to heart with an old friend.
Nobody else has made feel that way. Like I was the only person who mattered and I was the only person in his world. Even though he had all these things that were way more important he would push them off until I was safe at home and our catching up on our days were through. For 15 years I have thought about those moments and wondered if I had made the wrong choice. Now I know I had angels watching over me and they protected me from him over all of these years.
My life is the way it is now because I can’t be with him. I am not privy to a life where the other half of you comes alive and I am ok with that. When I am with my son I know I made all the right choices and I was chose them all again if that means I get to keep him near. The light in his eyes and the way he asks me why tells me everything that I needed to hear. There was never going to be another half that was going to complete me, it was finding the love inside a child that was going to be all the love that I was ever going to need. That we can fill in what was missing with an abundance of life and blaze a rainbow of energy over the night sky.
This life that I have is EXACTLY what I wanted. A family who truly loves me and a place that I can call home. The husband, well I wish he would just notice me and look me in the eyes and tell me everything is going to be ok. I wish I had a friend who would take my hand and love me instead of treating me like a sacrificial lamb being lead out as prey.
I cry because I hurt. I know what true loves feel likes and I know what happens to the soul when it gets ripped away. It’s not just about a being who is able to stimulate me it is so much more that I can’t even explain. I know my truth and where I came from and I know what it will take to make all the pain go away. What is heavy in my soul will drag me under and at times I am ok with never coming up again for air.