Never again and not anymore well I ever let a being close to me that has less than honourable intentions. Either for me in this world or the beings that I call my friend. There is no way I will give up when I can keep on trying relentlessly to the end.
I am riddled with anxiety because I feel sick inside of this life. There is no way that this is normal as I choke back on the bile just so I can say a few words. Life shouldn’t be this constant struggle and insane battle that constantly has me worried, left struggling to get in air.
It’s like I want that time that they promised to me but how can I turn my back on my son? He is my creation and he is struggling in this world. What kind of person would I be if I only focused on me. The accusations are heavy like I only care about me but nothing can be further from the truth. I rise up each day so that he see me having confidence even though I am shaking in my boots with one foot in the grave. I am barely hanging on to my own sanity and I am more than thankful for him needing me as he does each and every day. I know I need to sever the ties though but not at the expense of his confidence, trust and mind. If I have to wait outside those school walls until he turns 18 I will do so with a smile on my face and not cursing the day that he decided to come and have his way.
Just a little bit longer can he be the center of my world? but I have to be realistic when it comes time from separating him from me. I know it is a scary world out there so I need to do what I can to empower him and that is to sharpen up his senses and help him understand the words and emotions that other beings just can not see. Maybe not directly but in time it will become almost so. All I want for him is the best chance at existing. I think that will be my life mission until I grow old.
All she is is a memory with her wedding photo on my desktop to make me cry. A young woman with so much hope, virality and promise who dreamed of a family one day. One day. Now that one day is gone. Her family is still here but one day they won’t be. I need her to be around somewhere hopefully smiling down on me. When the rest of the world hates me I pray that she still loves me. I need to believe in something or I have no idea where I would end up or eventually be.
I know one day this will be all over as time as we know it is slowly ticking away. It feels like just yesterday I was a 20 year old with so much hope and promise only to be kicked out by my knees when I hit 30 only to catch my breath when 40 rolled around to wake up to where I am now. Those people who always wish for more time to get up and do something never fully realized that the time to get up is now.
Today is the day. I hope that I have the courage to do all the things that I have been too scared to do. Find a job. Apply for low-income housing and hope and pray that this nightmare will soon be going away. I get scared thinking that all the pets that have come to call this place their home might end up meeting their own demise. I can’t be the one holding a noose over their heads. Well, a needle jabbed into their arm but how much longer can I survive having to live this way? I don’t think I can survive knowing that they met their end because of me.
There are those beings in life that are out truly just to enjoy the very presence of your existence then there are others that will suck your soul right out if given the chance. Sometimes who we desire to be is out of our grasp and our very own reality as we fail to open up our hearts and truly see.
That is what drives me to do everything that I do. So I can be an example to him who he needs to be. Not grow up in my EXACT image but have the confidence to know that you can be anybody that you can. Sure I might have been a little bit of a beautiful disaster but I dusted myself off quite well don’t you think? For no reason why I wake up with a fire in my soul. I think my drive was given to me as a blessing when I was lost and feeling out of sorts and most definitely out of control.
I didn’t want to let go of something that was so horrendous to me. If it could happen to anybody it was more than likely going to happen to me. I grew up accustomed to the drama and all the sinking feelings that a life lived in this reality could bring and once I got the hang of it I couldn’t fathom the idea that anybody that I loved would ever have to experience a similar thing. That’s where fables and fairytales originate from, they serve as a reminder and beacon to where your heart first began beating and learned how to sing.