What people deem as normal acceptable behaviour is having me all out of sorts. I remember in the beginning of the school year everybody looking at me, asking me what I had planned to do with ALL of my free time. Three hours to be exact. My reality is that I have yet to know these sacred hours that a mother receives when they send their children to school and I am feeling all sort of feelings because once again I may never fit in.
Always on the outside looking in as the parents of these little girls smile and exclude me. They don’t have to say anything. What is there to say. I am one of the only mom’s with a little boy so my child gets excluded from play. I am trying to trust the teacher’s and their opinions but it is so hard when I have to see my son in this way. He tells me that the teachers are mean and that there is nobody for him to play with I know there has to be a time when I take his words with a grain a salt but as a mother I worry.
I am the mother sitting in the parking lot too scared to go home because as soon as I do I know there will be a phone call to come. I don’t want him to feel all the feels that I abandoned him and I want him to know that he is a big part of this family and we will always need him to come home. That no matter what is said or how it is done I will always take his word and fight for him. Of course not out of extreme anger or even maliciously just a what’s up to see what has happened and a who is who.
Sitting there watching him struggle I wonder what I may have done to contribute to this behaviour. Is it really from the lifestyle that I had before this that somehow took over his psyche and made him come undone? According to the husband it was all the hours I spent getting ready. That I would accomplish when my son was safely tucked asleep. There are other mom’s who are more done up then I do and worse than that there are other mom’s who forget about their sons and go on their merry ways.
It’s like I want that time that they promised to me but how can I turn my back on my son? He is my creation and he is struggling in this world. What kind of person would I be if I only focused on me. The accusations are heavy like I only care about me but nothing can be further from the truth. I rise up each day so that he see me having confidence even though I am shaking in my boots with one foot in the grave. I am barely hanging on to my own sanity and I am more than thankful for him needing me as he does each and every day. I know I need to sever the ties though but not at the expense of his confidence, trust and mind. If I have to wait outside those school walls until he turns 18 I will do so with a smile on my face and not cursing the day that he decided to come and have his way.
Universe? Why are you doing this to me? Didn’t I get up each and every time you decided to have your sick say? Every time I was presented with imminent danger I kept a level head but now you are playing with my offspring and the last of my mental mind. I relinquished all my control and gave up my ways so that I can embrace you but you still have it out for me and I have no idea why. Didn’t I rescue and give a home to those life forms that others have cast aside? Holding them in my arms until they had no choice but to take their last breaths and die? I feel like I am owed something more than this immediate turmoil. Please take my turmoil and bring something inside of me back to life.
I wanted to feel love but all I feel is failure. How was I supposed to know if you would have my back and leave? It feels like you are gone. Destined to be with anybody but me. How am I supposed to feel being left alone with only the grace of my angels? I know that I am lucky to have more than one but at times I am wondering if there is more to this life too.
Destined to be a piece of the fragment that I was born to be because nothing will feel quite the same as the day that I get to return home. Back to my origin of where I was first to be, never quite knowing if I was maybe somebody before all this time came to be. I shudder to think of what will happen to me if I stop trying to be all that I can be if I finally give into the whispers of the devil and demons who are constantly knocking at my door.
Universe why have you forsaken me? Am I still paying a penance for who I was before? Is it not true that we can evolve into somebody else entirely and not be destined to be such a waste of skin that so many people are hoping for. I know that is my fuel that burns red hot inside of me. The hopes of making others choke on their nasty thoughts of me. I don’t ever want to prove anybody right so I will always go at full steam ahead. The only thing that will ever stop me is when I am rock hard and dead.