Love Helen and Pete

Of course it had to take me. My reading journey that is. My journey had to bring me to “The Notebook.” I had watched the movie so I knew how it would affect me. This book was in my reading list before everything happened. I thought I was ready. But you are never quite ready but then again I wanted to experience life in it’s rawest, purest form. Sometimes emotions are best to stir up. You have to go thorough something painful in order to rebuild again. You can’t get stronger by doing nothing just ask any athlete so can I become more human by experiencing more? Not foolishly of course. But by living through the experiences of others. You get that through reading and meeting with others the opening of the mind but was a ready to add in my ever so vulnerable heart? What I got through reading the book was another surreal experience that had me emotional for entirely different reasons. I wasn’t mourning the loss of love out of my life but I could finally identify with the characters. This was going to be emotional and exhausting but best dive in while it’s hot till waiting for it to grow cold. But feelings got raw that was for sure.

When thinking of mortality and the people that you love where would you draw the line in defending their living legacy? Whoa you must be thinking what a turn but I am only asking because one day it will happen to you. One day when you grow old and nobody else wants you it is either because they have died or lost their mind. One side of the union is destined to do it solo and just what kind of toll would that take? Too dig in a lil deeper I am very familiar with this disease and how it robs your mind. There is the potential that you will just get abandoned your family knowing that you are gone in your mind. Not recognizing anybody anymore you are alone. Destined to live out the rest of your years in oblivion. I feel the need to repeat this especially after being guided to this story. This scenario was my Grandparents except it was the reverse it was Noah’s worst fears. My Grandmother went suddenly and you could see how she had covered up for his disease. it didn’t take long before the decision was made that he needed care because his needs went far beyond just visits. A good woman like m Grandmother spent her whole life taking care of her family. Yes we are Doukhobor’s but it is not what you think. My family had no time to be extremist’s they had a farm to maintain. They worked hard, loved hard and gave all their boy’s pieces of land to raise their own families. Well except for one Uncle and my Auntie they went off to school so some other arrangement must have been made.

My heart lights up when I think of their memories. The life they provided for me and the skills that I grew up noticing. Loving and caring for your family and all living things. I feel this year is the year of the garden if my Grandmother is up there watching. Even the fact that my beloved budgie Daisy is just like the chicks my Grandma used to hand raise. A beautiful yellow that fills your ears with the sweetest songs. My Uncle (God rest is soul) did really well for himself and provided for his family. Just when he was about to retire and enjoy all that he had created life decided differently. In the end I was estranged from that side of the family. When my Dad chose his new wife I guess I assumed I was shunned by the family. The guilt I know feel and the pain that strikes my heart is hearing that my Dad is saying less than favourable things about their legacy. It makes me light headed and so incredible sick. Today has been surreal as the emotions come on thick. I can’t imagine dying or the pain of not knowing. What if I forgot who I was and who everybody is? What if nobody came to visit me because it became to be too much? My poor Grandpa having to live through that and be brought back to life now to be talked about like that. It is in moments like these I really question the angels. Is this what we live for to have our hearts ripped out and broken?

A beautiful life reduced to nothing in a blink of an eye. Yet we all want to experience it and we have no idea why. Love like that can only be built from years of working hard and promising to be together. The children. The years. The memories. The experience. It is all that we have to live for when there is nothing else left. How intensely scary are all those thoughts? Than add into that some hate spewed out of anger. Of people you never met, critiquing an experience and life you never knew. Imagine a leech paralyzing somebody that you love. Poisoning them with their sickness of hating all people. It is strange to me the manipulation that goes into keeping somebody caged free. Why are women so evil? How fitting after all we were given Eve. I have to say something because even the dead don’t deserve that. My Grandparents were great people with a love similar to Allie and Noah that’s how they should be remembered and deserved to be remembered. This is how I remember them so I will share their story. Bringing them back to life in all their glory. I remember a picture of them sitting together on their front steps of the house they built. I miss them. I wish I hade more pictures of them so I can look at who they were. I wish I lived my differently there is so much I wish I could remember. All I know for certain is they were good loving Grandparents and my Grandmother was an amazing homemaker and cook. For anybody to say differently just sets my soul on fire. My err of being human is to share this story knowing some would rather these were words left unsaid.

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