The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

The serenity that encompasses inner peace is something we should strive. I know that with every day I become one step closer to where I am supposed to be. My time spent walking with my sweet lil Latte I think has brought us both some inner clarity. There is something to be said when there is nothing but stillness surrounding you as we both walk aimlessly. To think in the beginning it was about getting him out of the house to give him a break from the pup. The pup has really taken to playing way too aggressively. Thank goodness he is being neutered on Friday. That should ease at least some of the issues. Incredibly we have been communicating more effectively. Or maybe it is I have just stopped caring to engage in the madness. There is only so many times you can have the same argument before going completely insane.
I am usually fully dressed when we go out for our walk.  I plan to always be. The idea to be caught in something less than appropriately put together drives me a lil crazed. My grandmother (god rest her soul). Tended to the farm in a dress and an apron. Always wore these lil heeled shoes and stockings. For special occasions she would wash and set her hair. To say I loved that woman is the least you could be said. How I feel about her there are no words. When I love anybody they have my whole heart. For now and until we are united once again.  To think if that is a possibility wouldn’t you want to do anything and everything in your power to continue to make them proud. To make them feel like they had an impact in your World and still do. I wish I could dress in a dress everyday and hopefully in stockings just like she used to do.
Tending to the life around me everyday reminds me of her.  The blissful feeling of self awareness the tranquil calm that come amongst the madness. There is no place in the World I would ever want to be.  Living in her image. To honour the life’s she touched and can still touch through me. To be able to breathe in the cool damp air as it greets as warmly as we walk briskly along with no real care other than where we would end up life felt tranquil. Being able to have some peace for even a minute outside the madness helps remind just how far I have come. Beginning this journey I only wanted to be better than who I was the day before. By constantly striving to be better it would ensure that I would be a woman worthy off being another. We are all worthy of motherhood. But I wanted to be the best. I waited so long for this moment that anything else feels like time wasted. I already feel like I wasted so much time going down the wrong path but realistically it was all right. Without every little turn and blip along the way I wouldn’t be here. Yes my marriage isn’t perfect but my son definitely is. But all mother’s say that don’t they. But seriously this is true.
I love how cleaner the air feels and how less guilty I feel that I have stopped consuming the flesh of dead animals. Wow right pretty harsh. Knowing and seeing what we as humans are capable of makes me so glad to not be a part of that. To not appreciate the value of life ALL life makes you just as weak as everybody else.  I look at my animals and how much love I have for them or looking into their sweet, sweet eyes filled with life and couldn’t imagine their fate being sealed by greed. The barbaric ways we farm and the things we do to these animals when they are no longer a perceived “value” to us is disgusting. I just can’t be a part of that. Without the essence of the lives lost cursing through my veins I feel a more positive outlook of hope. There is an argument to everything and I know we can argue all day about the vegetables and fruit they are living yadda yadda. Yes that may be the case but they don’t have to suffer the way the animals do so… Plus I really want to grow my own so I can love them all just the same.

I know they say that you need to care for yourself first and do what makes yourself happy. What I now know is that I am happiest at home working on making our lives a better happier place. I can’t wait to splash some paint around and really get the plants in the ground. I need a fence before that happens though because these dogs are just terrors. My book on dog behaviour though is proving to be very helpful. I love the time invested in my family. It should make us a more cohesive unit and I am sure rooting for that day. Mainly because it will serve as proof that the right dedication and determination you can turn a HUGE negative into a positive. This current situation has disaster written all over it. Maybe I shouldn’t be so forthright but I still feel like there is some importance in doing so. We can all learn from each other and the experience in the hope that maybe it will help us reach our own end destination faster. Life as become so complicated. Then all of a sudden it was not. Now it seems we are caught in a web of contempt and confusion as we try to formulate in our minds what it is we think is going on. That leads to the question does it matter what is truly going on in the World. If there is a conspiracy we need to be ready for is there any true way we can confront it. Wouldn’t you want to spend your time living it happiest with those that love you most? That is what I have been trying to do this whole time. To let you see the good, the bad and the ugly and maybe find a new fried along the way

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