I want to fade away. Not into oblivion but just to a space where none of this ceases to exist anymore. Tired of walking around on egg shells my feet starting to show the wear that comes from so much disregard. I used to think that love was all that mattered but with the lack of it I need to question it’s purpose in our lives at all. Sometimes I think I should permanently lodge the knife into my back. It would be a lot easier and probably a lot less painful if I stop daydreaming about Hollywood Love. There is no way in this day and age it could ever exist. All of us so in our face with what we can access it is a wonder we are even able to survive at all.
We don’t have to look deep within ourselves when we have been conditioned to skim over the top, cut corners and look for ways to get more with investing less. A genuine heart is so often the one that bleeds. You would think that the build up of scars would prevent that from happening. Maybe it is just me that has cut myself off from having any passion. Passion as far as sex goes…not life. There are so many misconceptions about true love and happiness that we have all lead each other astray. When does love for another outweigh the love you have for yourself? Should it ever. In my life right now the only thing that comes remotely close is the love that I feel for my son.
Let’s analyze that. In a World where we have so many blended families that would be a strong indicator that the best resource we have is the love we have for ourselves. As long as we have that we should be able to survive anything. Once the self doubt sets in then you sit with the grips of the hurricane. Flailing out of control trying to take a hold of what ever flies by you. What if you were standing in the center of the storm? Yes there will be fear and yes what ever is happening in your life will eventually blow away. It is surviving the storm that is the hardest. When somebody we love takes their love away we feel worthless, useless, like we are never going to find love again. If we only can find a strong sense of self then we know that the weather changes at the drop of a dime. Nothing lasts forever. Even the rain.
What World do we live in if we aren’t living in our own. Who and what do we stand for if we don’t have our own opinion and feelings. I remember the crushing loss of people I thought I loved. People I thought loved me. The only love that can never be taken away is the love that I have for myself. But where does that line blend? Can we care for ourselves while loving somebody so completely? When it comes to my son he would be the only exception. He is in fact a piece of me and that piece of me needs protecting. He is so innocent and eager to absorb all that is around me. He deserves all the power and chances in the World and it is up to me to show him a World where reaching for your goals and perseverance pays off. It is not enough to allow myself to sit here consumed by another’s ill intentions. The line is coming. It has been drawn since this family began. I keep stepping over and back again but sooner or later something will have to break. Well maybe nothing has to change. Maybe the breaking point will come one day when I decide that love for a partner is something I am lacking. I have to keep searching for the answer both within myself and from others experiences. There has to be a way through this where we can all feel like we have succeeded.
I think if I would have known that high school love would be the bittersweet moment I would always reflect on I think I would have taken more time to enjoy it. I miss that nervous tension of a possible kiss. Would I see them the next day or even the next. Maybe our cars would cross as I made the drive across town. There were no cell phones just happened chances which made everything so much more romantic. You couldn’t be tracked down by your parents, best friends or crazy ex’s. You were free to sleep under the stars in the middle of a field and listen to the sweet nothings and our breaths as the fell together in perfect sync. Those moments is what gets me through the darkest times in my marriage. Back then I was just me. Fully capable and worthy of love. Maybe it was my youth that warranted me being swept off my feet but I long for that moment again. It is the source of some of my great sadness. The longing to feel that sort of love again. I ask myself how would I feel if I never got to experience the warm touch of somebody who loves me with that fire burning love. I know in the end there is no way that it matters. We should never be defined by the people who loves us but how in fact we loved ourselves.