Close your eyes. Imagine a time when your heart was young and somewhat free. A time before any and all this has ever happened. I can’t help but think that in some ways I have been apart of this all before. Not entirely or exactly but more just a hint. I always believed that somewhere deep inside of me my heart already knows. Sometimes the opportunities that are presented to us are not the right time. A brief encounter or a summer romance is sometimes what one truly needs. As the days inch closer to my 41st birthday I ask myself everyday what would make my happy.
The more I focus on a time long gone I can’t help begin to feel an inner calm. Serenity take me now back to where my soul longs to be. The haunting memories that embrace me remind me of a time when life was so simple. No incestuous lobbying for attention like we insist on doing now. To publicly be or to be publicly or two entirely different beasts. One makes you the puppet copying the movements passed down through the strings of the master. The other means you dare to just allow yourself to be free and be. So back I go to right before my teenage heart was swayed away.
So I taunt my mind to think about the path unchosen. Am I strong enough to see the sudden turn that may have kept me from somebody my soul had recognized. We all connect with people in entirely different ways. I believe that. I remember when I sat down with the astrologer her talked about me having a great love. He mentioned it was somebody I had known from before. Whatever that could possibly mean. I shrugged it off as insanity but once again as I dust off the cobwebs to that back of the brain they begin to resurface.
What I feel is tis intense love that surrounds me and my family. Yes even my husband. he has given me the greatest gift of all time. Not only do we have an incredible life that he has built for us he does try from time to time. I think in a relationship, I n a marriage there will always be those things that crawl under your skin. At the time when they are happening it seems like such a major thing. Now…I think I need to take better notes or something just to use as a record. I keep wondering if there is a chance for us to be sustainable in a passionless marriage. Yes there is love but sometimes I just miss being touched. Now here we go again with my teenage heart. I am a married woman who will turn 41 and I have absolutely no idea what it feels like to be touched by a man. It is true what they say with the not knowing you don’t really know what to miss. It is so easy to fill my days with so many other things. My pets, my son, my garden.
Here is why I am content in not knowing the passion that could possibly exist between a man and a woman. When I was younger noting really special happened when I lost my virginity. If I could tell my younger self something it would be to wait. Wait until you met the love of your life and he valued you like no other. I honestly feel like I have no idea what it would feel like to be with a man. Because it wasn’t special for me I wanted it to be special now. At first it wasn’t like that. But now after begging and pleading and being ignored. Being told that everything is basically my fault. I have tried so hard to take notice of the things that he finds incredibly irritating and nothing. Honestly he kind of feels like my Dad the way he works to hard and doesn’t notice me.
So here it is. I am so open to the idea of being swooped right off my feet. If my husband doesn’t notice and somebody else does than I am open to it. I want my teenage heart to flutter like it used to. I like to leave my thoughts there often. Walking the hallways in school, playing ball, working out… Back then it was a real hit and a miss if you would run into your crush that day. Imagine though not really knowing what all those flutters really meant. The way your pulse quickens and face blushes with colour at just the mere thought of them being close to you. Life back then was so incredibly satisfying when left aimless. Driving around doing nothing, sitting in the park. Running into people by “staged” accidents or coincidental consequences. Life was carefree back then. No tabs, no GPS, no WiFi.
I know one day true love will once again find me. I know too that whoever they maybe is somebody I have came across before. When I think about all the things that go hand in hand with connecting with somebody in such a way the flush comes right back into my cheeks, my hands feel sweaty. There is no denying the energy that comes in just the acceptance that they are somewhere out there too. I am a dreamer. I have released my teenage heart and let her go to work. Funny how it sprung my love for “Gossip Girl” and all things NYC. To find my love in NYC would send me over the moon. But all those thoughts and daydreams serve nothing more than to keep me happy. To be able to have this one on one time with my son there is no love that will ever compare. To me my heart feels safest losing myself in fairytales and daydreams at least until the real teaching beings.