My Journey into Motherhood

I just want to live an existence where my family is proud of me. It is hard to live a life in the shadows of those you hold so high. Scared to move forward out of fear that it will all come crashing down. I longed for a World that made sense. Where we were free to be happy and live out our years in a happy dynamic of a family. Some sort of semblance of what the past meant to me. If I let go all would be lost. The time spent waiting for Mr Right to somehow find me. The nights spent wasted away into the wee hours of the morning alone. I spent half of my life feeling alone. Waiting for somebody to save me from the nightmarish life I had been accustomed too.

Right before all this changed for me I had spent another night staring at the bottom of an empty glass. I don’t remember getting home. Don’t remember if I had my keys. My door was locked but somehow..

I remember waking up to a hangover of epic proportions. Staring at the clock telling me it was 7 am I had a feeling I wouldn’t be able to make my first date scheduled with my soon to be husband. Some things are just not meant to be. Cancelling my date was not an option in his eyes. Being a true gentleman he came and took care of me. The rest you can say is history. I wanted to invest everything I had in our relationship.  After 37 years I was living the single girl life and it was time for something new. It wasn’t my decision in the end. Call me what you will but when I discovered I was pregnant I wanted to do it old school. I have always believed that if a man was good enough to be a father than he of course would be good enough to be a husband. And he is.

The grass always looks greener. We always long for what we don’t have. When we begin to accept what has transpired as the new normal we begin to take everybody and thing for granted.  Look at me. Sometimes I have these glimpses of how it used to feel when you lusted over someone. Maybe it was the inexperienced heart only being able to express itself physical. Without physical touch does it no longer become a necessity? Who do we become when it is removed from our existence? Maybe that is why I have become so obsessed divulging in the lives and attitudes of others. For as long as I can remember sex has been ingrained into my essence. That as long as we are desired by others than that means we are successful in life. But what about those that are the most successful in their acts of selfless living. Do their lives become obsolete when physical touch is removed? Or is it enough to be able to infect the World with a childlike kindness trying to restart the World to a different way of being.

I want to believe in it all. I want to believe that what I have with my husband is true. At times my heart fills with so much hope that one day the light will turn on and everything will change. In the absence of that I try to fill my  day with everything I can to make myself better. I have been referred to being a little bit wild. If I tame my heart and allow it to be still would that change what has happened between us? Do I even want it to?

The answer I seek is very complex. Most see it as simple. With no intimacy move on. That is what we have pretty much been doing since the dawn of time. Why do we even have vows of marriage if we are intent on never keeping them. My case is different. We got married May 13, 2017. I can count on one hand the number of kisses I have received. I almost died and he never hugged me. To be in a marriage where there appears to be no willingness of human interaction has left me so confused. Family is everything to me. Who do I become if I abandon my beliefs and what I waited my whole life for. Neither one of us ever believed that we would be blessed enough to not only be married but to have a child. That similarity brings us together. We both love him to the ends of the Earth and that is what keeps our love together. Together we have become more like best friends. Almost more like brother and sister.

I forget what it feels like to have a man desire me. I also forget entirely what it feels like to be touched or feel the warm hot breath on my neck as sweet nothings are whispered in my ear. To be honest that feels like a time of my life that has never happened. I am paralyzed in my own fear of what it feels like to be intimate with anybody. Like the Virgin Mary I sit here protected by words that bound us to eternity. My mind wanders to what eternity means. If the vows of our marriage are already broken with the lack of intimacy what happens to us in the after life? What happens to our son? Where I feel at least a lil bit lucky is there is no pressure to make a move either way. Some say that sitting here doing no thing an affect my child when he is older. Maybe so. I am aware of that possibility. I am confused with my own inability to know what the future holds. I have so many mistakes in haste and this is one I don’t want to make. My son is the greatest love of my life. It is in knowing this that I am hesitant to make a move forward until I am confident in what the move needs to be.



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