I have this obsession with trying to uncover the secret meaning of life. There have been so many lives that have lived it that you think we would have to be getting close right? Not if we have been travelling the wrong way. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it, but we are broke so something needs fixing. We all careen into the same direction without really truly knowing why. Some of us get taken too soon where others hang on for to long. There is no secret. Or is there?

The only thing I can think of is trying to find the similarities, especially those that have found themselves thinking that the end of something was coming near. There are those lives that seemed to not matter and those that seemed to be here for extreme amounts of pain and torture. Why would this be something that we would sign up for or even worse put our children through. Somewhere we have forgotten to open our eyes and look at our surroundings fully absorbing what is around us. One day we go out for coffee, something we normally do, and our destiny will make it so we don’t return home. I can’t wrap my head around those lives that are taken so tragically with no purpose at all only to burn the hearts of those that they leave behind maybe making a permanent scar.

I have been hurt a lot it seems through my teenage years and beyond. I spent a lot of time wallowing in my own pain and grief. It gave me an excuse to fail at life and everything else I touched. Feeling worthless I gravitated to every bad decision a young lady can make. I thought I fell in love. I thought I would die of a broken heart. What happened at the end of it all was this glorious gift of life I had that I was determined to steer down the right path. There is a huge responsibility that comes when you become a mother. I never truly knew what my mom meant when she said that and I think it is almost impossible for anybody truly to explain. Your heart does begin to beat on the outside and when you stare into those eyes you see the love, ALL the love that ever existed throughout the hands of time. I see my Dad in his eyes and probably all the ancestors I have never met.

There ae habits I know I have from my Great Grandfather. He used to LOVE taking pictures. The more elaborate the better. I remember my Grandma showing me pictures that he had took. My heart swells with so much happiness at the memory. I can’t focus on the fact that my Dad has those pictures and I will probably never see them again. I have to focus on my legacy the gift I will leave to the World. When I think of the time that will come when we most separate there is one truth I can’t deny. True love is infinite it is the only thing that can break through the barrier of time. The love that has been raining done on me since I took my first breath will be the same rain that breathes life into my great grandchildren and all the great ones to come.

If you are to return to your true love what becomes of those you despise? What becomes of the ones who created their own tyrannical downpour of evil and hate. There is no way their evil ways will become a part of those in eternity even to the ones they created. I still believe in balance and good and evil and all the other things our free will threatens to take away. That would mean the hell we create here in Earth is something that we are bound and destined to take with us. If we see no light and love in this existence we will fail to have it in the next. The more love you have the more love that is attracted to you. You have to believe in the power of your own existence and that you do have a purpose. Everybody would have to have a purpose. Think of how fragile life is but how durable we are too. The body can withstand a great deal but others can not take anything at all. How can somebody who did nothing, nothing at all be born also have to suffer into an existence greater than themselves.

Children are of course exempt. Children usually have a pure heart free of the toxins that are floating among them. The trouble is that after enough exposure what choice do they have to start becoming the energy that is around them. We all change and morph into our surrounding either to stand out or to fit in. It’s a natural instinct of survival that is engrained into all of into all of us. Every species, every being just wants to experience infinite happiness and infinite love yet we as humans sometimes we feel it needs to be earned.

My son is my legacy and I would be broken if anything happened to him. Worse yet I would never recover if he grew into a horror of a man who abused and tortured another living thing. The world is growing colder in the way it receives the fragile. I have to try and teach him all that I know while hopefully instilling in him good common sense. I know there will be a time when I am not with him. He will grow and not need his momma anymore. I will teach him in the ways that were handed down thru me and all the other things I have come to know.