The Fatherless Mother

Since my son was born I have been consummed with being a better person. Desperatly I wanted to heal old wounds and blossom into the woman I was destined to be. Life didn’t always hurt. When it became routine for me to feel broken I adjusted my habits to accomadate the decay. Isn’t that what was happening? I was begin to rot from within. Poisoned by the lies that were being told about me because they were coming from people I believed. To have to imagine life without those I loved hurt my heart and at times made it impossible to breath.

When I think about the life I could have had I can’t help but feel betrayed. How does one stop loving a child for circumstances out of their control? I know when it happened you felt bad but how did it come to you not being able to look me in the eye? I get overwhelmed with emotion when I think there is a very real possibility I will never see you again. My son reminds me of what is important. Your absence in my life shines like a beacon of a path I will never take. I will never allow for another human being to ever come between me and my son just like I will honour the bond between my son and his Dad.

I think of all the possible ways that our relationship can be compromised. Drugs, alcohol, abuse yet none of these ever factor into me never wanting to see him again. You weren’t a deadbeat Dad but your a defintley an emotionally detached Grandfather. I wonder what evils have gripped you to shun your very essence, your roots. I know your faith says that your destiny is to return to the ground and that’s it. I sure hope that is what happens because I have no idea how your mental mind will ever endure.

Raising a child at any time is the hardest life challenge we will ever make. I disagree that after they are grown you can sever all ties and pretend like they never exist. That is always a possibility but when the secret of life seems to be true love what kind of truth is that? Aren’t we supposed to love ourselves first? And if our children are the best pieces of us doesn’t that mean failing to love them is a failure upon ourselves? They are the extension of our souls the life that keeps on living long after we are gone. Yes I know in awful circumstances our children sometimes get taken from us. But that is only their bodies, their souls get returned to us.

When you think about the imvisible limits that are imposed on our sub concsious it keeps us from doing the wrong. The hopes of one day materializing your own destiny is comforted in knowing that when it comes to family you will always make your way back home. That of course only applies to the pure of heart that refuses to let evil in. Like a draw bridge we lower our inhibitions in order to let love in but you have to know when to draw up the gates in order to protect the in habitants within. We have to protect those we love. We have to hold them close. Tomorrow is never promised but true love certainly is.

Life is meant to be lived simply and gracious full of positive thought. What happens when our core gets too polluted and our thoughts sway from what should be most important? Do our kids ever grow too old to not need our love? The hole that’s in my heart at 40 will tell you we need our parents more. Maybe I need them more and I am desperate to love them. There are bounds set up on some relationships with some posting “No Trespassing” where good souls dare not go.

In order to be a good mother I had to drop old habits and pick up more good. If there were no role models for me to absorb from I would have to look into the lives of others to see what they could reveal. When it comes to mothers they all generally want and say they same. They love their children, they struggle to love themselves but they all try their best to provide for their family. The common bond intertwined from within. The bond between child and father though I will never, ever understand. My father was my hero until he shunned his own grandson. In doing so he shattered my image of him and he confirmed what I always thought. Is a father’s love conditional until it stops fulfilling him in some way? Are we doomed to chase after these men in their shadows constantly feeling betrayed? What I can say from experience is that my dad’s love came at a heavy price. I will never know the currency he deals in because he prefers to keep it this way. I hope my son will love differently and at not at such a high cost. Family means everything until it finally ceases to exist. Love shall stand always even if things are internally amiss.

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