Dearest Diary

Just another Friday night where my needs are not being met. Not on any level by any means. At times I get lost inside my own mind trying to spin a web of lies that makes it all make sense. Nobody cares to understand the depths of my loneliness and even if they did would they care. Sometimes I like to wonder if it is just me or maybe it is another reality of me. There really is no way of knowing so in these moments I like to fantasize and maybe just maybe take a leap. For so many years I have been standing on the edge of this cliff. To scared to make a move in either direction. My head keeps telling me to step backwards where everything is known. My heart begs for me to take that step forward and finally see if true happiness does exist.
My most tortured memories of my childhood usually surrounded boys. I have no idea where that intense desire to feel wanted and accepted came from. I grew up on a farm. I was athletic, a girl guide, loved my family where and how did I get so far off track. The idea of pin pointing all that anguish onto one person seems unjust. How can one person take one person so far down the other path with no hope of resurfacing for years. The loss of an innocent child before her time spells a recipe for disaster. Mix in the wrong crowd and influences and you have the perfect storm. Sometimes it is in these storms that are youth get robbed from us. Other times they get spit back out at us never to be the same. Hopefully somewhere by divulging my stories (although almost 3 decades later) it will encourage another youth to come forward and share theirs as well. The chains that bind us can only last for as long as we let them. You have to walk through the flames of the past in order to shine on into your future. I have decided to take this walk. Not so much for me but the young girl’s like me. You don’t have to come from a broken home to have experienced the extreme lows of childhood. The idea of “broken home” really has no meaning these days. Every home is different and every home is traditional in the sense that they are folowing theirs. We live in this incredibly time where we are supposed to be free from our demons and free to embrace who we truly are. How come then does it feel like the noose comes quicker around our necks? How come it feels like there is more tragedy raging through our schools and communities then ever before? How have we not learned from any of our mistakes? I guess I will lead by example and try to learn from mine.
There are no mistakes really when you look at the bigger picture. I mean everything is predetermined for us. Our time and place in this world is not without purpose. We are all just two cells connecting just so to create an incredible being filled with so much promise and purpose. Like the waves pounding on the shores even the most beautiful treasures get ground to dust if beaten to long. Imagine yourself being talked down to, belittled, beaten, ignored. All those negative emotions getting hauled at you constantly. What choice does one have to crumble into a pile a dust. I know this feeling I have had these thoughts. When left to our own devices if our needs are not getting met we have no choice but to evolve our way of thinking. Take for example me at 13. I just had the procedure a few days ago and I was trying to get some rest for my exam in the morning. To have to experience what I went through and to have nobody to talk to. My girlfriends were excited about the idea of having a little baby to dress up and stuff. I guess I always wanted a little bit more for myself. At least that is what my parents have always told me. Other than my mom holding me while I slept the first night I had pretty much zero interaction with anybody in my family. I know my dad felt ashamed of me and what had happened. Or maybe it was sadness over how he couldn’t protect me. The feeling of having your daughters innocence ripped right from under you like that. Well I guess that would be a hard pill to swallow. As my dad entered the room and sat beside me I waited for a hug, a smile anything remotely positive. All I got was a pat on the back and a I am so proud of you for keeping your grades up through all this. He left the room then and I just stared after him in shock. Right there I was validated in my feelings that maybe this was something you should just not discuss. This would bring shame on the family so it is best to try and ignore what had happened and just forget.
Holding my sons hand I kiss his forehead and listen to him snore. If only I had a clue back then how great motherhood was. This lil guy is my absolute world. His world means everything to me and now in that moment it is hard not to feel shame in the choices I had made as a young girl. I guess these are the thoughts that consumme you when you have next to no interaction with anybody all day. My life feels pretty rewarding 99% of the time but it is the other 1% that has me longing for human touch. I tend to smile way too much and hug like I am never going to let you go beause when I am in the company of greatness it feels like a warm enveloping hug. I guess that is why I choose what I do in my spare time wisely. I leave nothing to chance. But now as I sit here on a Friday night thinking I think it may be time to embrace a little caution into my life. Sometimes I think that way and other times I think can lust get in the way of feeling fulfilled and purposeful in this life. Already on a day to day basis I have many things I like to accomplish during my day. Not only have I been on a course to really get to know who I am, was and will be but I also really want to be the best version of myself that I can. Can you truly have all that? At times I think of my husband with desire but it is quickly plagued with years of feeling like I have been abandoned. And the kicker…just like last year he is going away for 2 weeks to work 14 days straight 12 hour days. Does this sound like a normal thing for somebody to do with a young family at home? We hardly talk as it is but at least I knew he was at home every night. Except for those nights when he would fall asleep in the garage. I am tired of sleeping in bed alone. Is it wrong to crave human interaction? Is it wrong to feel that you want to be desired in this life? Is it enough to just surround yourself with love from family and friends and never unleash the feelings of mutual desire? Never have I been more confused nor have I ever felt more in control. I have always left my future up to the Universe and look at the hand that gets dealt. On top of everything else how about you be a stay at home mo to your toddler and 11 pets. Part of the agreement we had when taking on so many is that he would be in charge of all that. The positive is I am given an opportunity to see if I can manage on my own. I am pretty nervous, excited, scared. Nervous that it is a huge amount of responsibility to handle but let’s get real I have been doing it all since we brought him home from the hospital. I am excited at having some free time to myself and my son to nurture ourselves and see if I can get us to thrive. I get to cook, prep, shop and clean. For two blissful weeks the state of this home is my responsibility. If I can pull it off it is exciting. If I can pull it off I am scared.
By the end of the month I should finally have some answers in the direction that I am going. I have gotten used to living life a certain way and now the opportunity is presenting itself to see if maybe there is another way to live. There should be no more fighting or getting under ones skin. After a 12 hour day he will be sleeping until the start of his next shift. I can see if I can finally break out of the weight plateau I have been stuck on. I mean I have lost the same 5 pounds for over a year now. Being able to masterfully make my way through the next two weeks will be the ultimate tell tale sign of the direction of my life. I know the madness was beginning to creep in but has began to subside with the very thought of this. Being able to keep my own schedule will be the clear indication if maybe just maybe it is me with all the baggage. I know I do have alot of it but I thought most of it was already unpacked. What if lying somewhere in the far depths of my mind there is something else. Something that holds me back from connecting with anybody on a deeper level. As I think this I try to think back to everything that I have endured over the past 40 years and as I do so the air turns cold. There is something that has always held me back from learning who I truly am. It was alot easier keeping a husband who was distant than having to bare my whole soul to him. It seems strange to me that I am the one holding the key and instead of throwing it aside like I normally do I am standing right at it trying to get the strength to turn the key. If I had any indication of what might be waiting for me on the other side I would have turned it by now. I wish I could run and just wait to see how it is all going to turn out. Unfortunately if there is anything left to learn about myself then now is the time. I need to be able to fully walk out of the shadows and into the light but I am still hesitant to do so. I am almost there I am almost ready. Maybe I am waiting to find that one soul that makes it so I don’t have to do it alone. We all need somebody to help us get back up when the world brings us to our knees. Maybe that’s the key. I have to find that one person who completes me. Who understands me for me and fully embraces me for all that I am. I want to do that for soembody as well and I hope for simplicity sake they are both one and the same. For now I will find comfort in writing it out to the Universe. I feel if there’s a chance there is somebody out there holding that missing key. Maybe they will find their way back to me and help me finally be set free.

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

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