Your Smile Will Forever be the Last

I saw you the other day. Well I not that that is an possibility but that same smile that you used to wear, well I saw that smile today. That childlike wonderment and amazement that captivated every room.  You had this air of self confidence that projected onto everybody but I recognized that broken smile. It was hard not to. So ya I saw you yesterday after all these months since you left us and still I always wonder what if. What if we noticed just how much you were suffering. So brave you faced each and everyday for your mom and your son and all those that amounted  you up to nothing.  I saw something in you. I tried to reach my hand out for you to take but you were too scared of my touch. You told others it was because of the sexual chemistry but I can assure you that I was only coming from a place of love. Love that comes from knowing somebody your whole life. And yes we have recently just met but as a childhood friend of my husband I cherished you just the same.
Why have we perverted the basic human touch. We took something that could provide us so much so much positivity and strength and twisted to be something so evil. We teach our children to avoid touching others. Out of fear of being grabbed inappropriately or grabbing something else. Instead of raising our children the basics of human comfort we teach them to comfort themselves. I remember one of the first tidbits of advice I got as  mother was make sure your child could self sooth. If need by allow the child to cry it out. Of course being the source was one of my nurses in the NICU I remember thinking yes ma’am will do but I had no desire to actually be that parent. There is no loss of physical touch between me and my son. We sit side by side while we watch tv or read usually with him snuggled under my arm or us holding hands. I periodically wrap him up in thousands of kisses to listen to him giggle. The only time he cries is during one of his tantrums that has usually evolved with his inability to communicate with us. Some words just sound like all the others so in his frustration he cries. I think one of the greatest crimes against human nature is the way we defined the way parents and children should interact.
We know live in a World ruled by our libido. Sex really does rule the World. Every day we are being victimized for just our basic rights to live and love. Nobody should ever have to live that way. How can our minds comprehend even basic human nature when we are conditioned from a young age to avoid all touch. Don’t kiss your dad on the lips that is way to sexual. Where is it written and defined as that being the highly charged sexual point of two beings libido. Have we lost all control of our hormones that we can’t define basic human love that it all gets lumped into lust. Everything changes when you bring a child into the mix. Everything that seemed so important now seems so mundane and obsolete.  What is important in your child’s life? Having a heart full of love and happiness that knows right from wrong? Having fame and fortune? I know there is a time that I will not always be by my son’s side. Every action that I am taking from this day forward shapes the way he thinks and makes demands from his relationships to come.

So as I saw you walking up our drive to ring the bell my heart stopped. I thought we were all about to wake up from this nightmare. I thought of your own sweet boy and the last time I saw you both. He was perched on your shoulders and you were looking in our window much the same way you are doing right now. But then when I came closer I saw it wasn’t you. Just your smile. As I began to pick up the shattered pieces of my heart I thought of the last day I saw you. I couldn’t really see you with all the tubes and bandages covering your face. I could tell your lips where dry and your eyes tired. I saw the look in your mom’s eyes as she gripped onto you for dear life. All I could think about was your beautiful little boy who was about to grow up without his Dad. Our World and yours changed forever that day. No longer could our boys grow up to be best friends just like you and my husbands, you were taking away from all of us in so many ways.  When I think about the last time you stayed at our house running away from your nightmares I wish I would have begged you to stay. You told my husband it was because of too much sexual chemistry. I promise you it was only the grease from the bacon. Watching our sons sit together and watch tv for the last time will forever be burned into my brain. I know you left to get high. I wish I said something to stop you. I wonder how many other people sacrifice their own lives out of fear. Out of fear of being judged or objectified. Your disillusioned thoughts taking you down a path of oblivion.

There is a difference between love and sex. I used to think that the two needed to go hand and hand. What I have come to see though that usually the two are on the furthest ends of the spectrum. Yes they can intermingle amongst the two but when their is true love for yourself and those around you they usually don’t. I saw you yesterday just like I did the last time. You still had that smile. You were completely unknown to your fate yet to come. That I think is the worst part is the knowing that the last time will forever be the last.

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