The Descent

I don’t mind the descent downwards being propelled forwards doing 100 + miles per hour. Of course I am scared and at times I end up showing my bi polar tendencies that will have me hitting all floors like an elevator buttons lit up like a Christmas Tree. I like the speed actually. As quick as the madness sets on I reach my final destination. As soon as my bowels retract from my stomach  then I am free to go on living my day. Seamless and my own version of perfection just like the hands of time had warranted all along.

I need to recede back to who I once was when times were simpler. I was never meant to follow with the masses burying those in our wake who didn’t conform to our ideology.  I think if I wouldn’t have fully understood that I was never born to fit in maybe the whole transition would have been easier. My nose had a way of turner when I encountered people who made my skin crawl. I got into the habit of ignoring my intuition and allowing them an opportunity to get in. What I have allows learned in doing so it was only time before one of these black widow’s would actually bite. The poison would slowly overcome me and all rational thoughts would cease to exist. I would forget all the feelings of a true one sided friendship and try to paint a picture that would somehow make sense. Sense to those around me, and especially to the one question. Why would you purposely betray me then be upset when the consequences of your disloyal actions are handed down? I can tell that you are still spreading your venom filled lies. I can see the trail of slime that follows you glowing against the night sky.

What unfolded rather publicly was never meant to shame either one.  As quickly as the torrential downpour started I was prepared for weathering the storm. All I needed to be a part of was displayed rather callously there was no sense to go on any further. When you are faced with those that can do no wrong that means that in fact you will always be the one that the burden falls down onto and in fact everything you do is wrong. I wanted my actions to be on record rather publicly, isn’t that what one does when they can’t trust the company that they find themselves in? We need to keep everything on record EVERYTHING even the questions of queries on keeps. I am not a victim in this scenario. I don’t feel like I victim. I feel enlightened by the truth and I feel like for once I am truly in great company. It’s like the universe sheds the light on those that have the potential to hurt you and allows you to move on through.

I just maybe the only one who no longer has an opinion on the events that have unfolded. For some it may seem like I am still venting and trying to bring shame. All I am trying to do is navigate through my own dark tunnel to make it out into the light on the other side. My journey in life has given me lots of skills and tools that have prepared me for instances in life like this. If we aren’t continuously brought to our knees and humbled by our own existence how will we know what potential still lays inside? The person that needs saving is our inner child that lays inside. They are the ones who warn us when things are people don’t feel right. My inner child is growing tired of the alarm bells as I ignore her warnings and continue to pursue relationships that will expose my wounds to feed on my blood. In these moments I have to surrender to her and tell her this time I will be different. I will live differently and adhere to my own code of values. I will recognize those that are only there for the entertainment and have no intentions of ever being seen.

We live in this incredibly social world that is right at our fingertips and it comes at such a high cost.  Friends become strangers as fast as they find their new person of interest to cling on too. Can this person bring me fame? Can this person bring me fortune? Will this person finally be my ride or die or are they only along for the ride to see me die. I have taken a very hard step on all my social media outlets. Why would somebody stick around who secretly hates all that you do anyways? They take a look at your pictures and quickly let their head fill with a jealous rage. They want to keep their sick fascination of watching you fall close at hand. They may no longer want to support you by following along but they still want the sick twisted option from being able to peek in from time to time. My social media accounts stopped being about the numbers when I realized that the numbers I have are usually only those that hang around watching for my quick descent into failure.  I don’t need anymore enemies I have enough friends. For those who have demanded that I stop doing Pin-up well lovelies I have never been one for titles anyways. I refuse to stop embracing who I am as you feel offended by me. My descent and rise has always been about my journey and the exposure to the world. I would hate for me to disappoint myself on my journey because last time I looked the main character in my tale was me. xx

(ps make sure to check out my instagram: Sweet Ruby Bluez and facebook page The Prairie’s Passionate Pin-Up here is where I let my life become an artistic/magical display)

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