You! Ya You!

I am tired. I try so hard. My whole existence has been spent in the shadows. I long to come out. My heart is bursting to be free. I wonder if anybody will notice me or if I am destined to always feel like this.

Two days in a row my husband’s dog has ruined my things. On top of my disappointment I am in fear I will get into more trouble once my husband gets home. I am tired of walking on these egg shells. My feet are so scared. I don’t want to live my life feeling sorry for myself I just want to stop these feelings. Most of everything I do is wrong. Everybody is mad at me. I am so deep within myself I am just too scared to be.

My son is always screaming from the time he gets up. I have little time to do anything else. Between the dog ruining everything of mine, my son being demanding and the cats fighting I have to find a way to clean my house. My heart feels shattered, my head is going to explode. I keep everything inside because who can I share my thoughts with? Does anybody care? I am tired of my words being turned and used against me. All I want to be is happy. I want to embrace living free.

My life has no meaning if I don’t keep up with the trivial and mundane. I feel like I can’t do it anymore even though I will always find a way. Please stop these tears from falling. Someone send me a friend. But what is a friend if you can’t trust them. Can anyone trust me? I am so tired of it all. I have to exist in an alternate relm. The greatest joy I have felt in years was holding my sweet baby Daisy, my budgie. She was walking up and down my finger as she sang to me so sweet. She doesn’t hate my like the rest of the world. I wonder if she ever will?

I know it is up to me to tend and keep to this house. But curious question does anybody ever worry about me? I want to run until I reach the end of the world and will myself to jump off. I would rather float in places unknown then have others watch me drown. When I was feeling weak and low my so called friends cast me to the side. Imagine how it feels to have people who know you pick a stranger over you. Who am I but nothing if nobody ever hears my cries. I am nobody, nothing in the grander scheme of things. All I wanted was love.

I tried to buy the love of my ex’s but I was just something amusing to pass the time. I would spoil them in the language they knew and what did I get in return? After trips to the Caribbean, Mexico and beyond how did my ex repay me. By being selfishly rotten to the core. At 30 living at home you think he would have had heart. What did he do instead? Went clubbing 3 maybe 4 days a week, with his hand out wanting more.

Like so many others he reached out only to discipline me. Told me I had no right even to the pictures I took and had posted for over a decade. He found a new way to treat me like garbage. His greatest gift he gave me he told me was his company. Imagine someone you once loved so deeply just shows you how he just used for all that you had to give. He has even befriended my rapist, another nail in my coffin.

Who are these people so vain with their demeanor and no common sense. I am shocked he made it up the ranks of one of the big banks. But am I? All his friends are one and the same. They treat people experiencing hard times as burdens to the World. He reconfirms my thoughts that nobody is capable of loving me at all. After spending tens of thousands of dollars investing in our relationship he just threw me away. No wonder I am so jaded and how lost I got along the way.

He was my first friend when I moved to the big city. We were friends before anything, now he seems more egotistical in his ways. He is so vain in his appearance and even worse with those he keeps close. He serves as my reminder that you have to be mindful of those who are nice to you and avoid those who talk down. He thinks because I am a housewife my feelings don’t account for anythjng. Just in the ways I was always the problem. It was always me. My fault. I am sharing these stories to get my powerback.

I allow people and beings to treat me as they will. I don’t try and set up boundaries because I am scared of keeping those hurting out. I don’t want to be self righteous like so many are. Vanity and being disrespectful just show how vain you truly are. You want to pretend like our time together didn’t matter, that you are so much better than you. It’s people like you, ya you who make me fear for the World’s future after all.

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