All my life my anxiety has been heightened by the fear of abandonment. I always was counting down the days when be it a boyfriend or girlfriend would one day change their mind and leave. I don’t know exactly where this idea grew into being and I believed that I was worthless. The only traumatic event that occurred was that abusive boyfriend. So I guess if I was fine before that then that period of my life is what formed my adult thinking. That constant drive to be loved and accepted, no matter the cost. That is what drove my bankruptcy. This underlying desire to shower my boyfriend with lavish expensive gifts in order to see him happy and I guess maybe make him feel guilty enough to stay. What ever my reasons I wanted to be loved. It was in that fevered passion that I am standing where I am today. Well a tepid toe into the water so I can finally give into my inner being and float away. I was always scared of my own existence and the judgement of others. What I noticed was the norm was this underhanded mannerisms that indirectly insulted somebody without in fact insulting them. You know these comments. Oh I hate that putrid colour and that is all you wear. Oh not on you Darling but on me it is horrid. We all know those beings that like to implant their shiv into any open, waiting side.
There is no satisfaction in my world when there are others that are feeling alone and out of sorts. That was me my whole life. Constantly waiting on the side lines to be tagged in but only being tagged in because I was everybody’s last choice. I was the girl that was called to a party when the beer ran out or heaven forbid drugs. I worked my ass to have my bills paid and everybody knew it. Being homeless or falling behind on my rent was never an option. It was incredulous to me how many people were ok with that. This was supposed to be your home where you rested your head and how much rest can you get wondering if you were going to get evicted. So many people play that game well we have a couple months than they have to go to court. Why do you want to be THAT person who dishonours an agreement? The divide grows between you and me. I have always wanted to treat others the way that I wanted to be treated and maybe a little bit extra. But friendship love was rarely reciprocated. I have to stand up to my fear of abandonment.
So many times I just stand frozen as to not send ripples into any function. I can do nothing and still warrant ugly stares and horrible comments. Is it a beacon I wear that tells others dump all your insecurities onto me I can handle it. Or is it me focused on what makes me insecure? What I have come to learn about all the sideway glances and wayward whispers is if they don’t seem to understand that they are a mere spec in this infinite world their opinion truly matters not to me. Think about those that laugh obnoxiously at another humans pain because they for once have the upper hand. Where once they were being bullied now they finally can be the one taking a stand. Doesn’t it feel good to ridicule and torment those that you don’t understand in the same way that those who didn’t understood you behaved. Isn’t it easier to try and find the hidden meaning to life in some obscene way instead of facing the truth head on? in the end nothing will ever matter. Not the car you drive, the house you own, the songs you sing, the clothes you were. In the end everything you treasured oh so dear in essence gets thrown out as junk. And think about how old is the Earth and we have never run out of space. Not yet. With all the garbage we create and the dead bodies we leave behind how is there still room for us all? The sun is going to set and the moon is going to rise but these are the same two events that have been turning about since when? The hands of time? Water still exists and Mountains still rise and yet there is still green space for some to thrive. But if we push our brains we can ask ourselves the question did Atlantis truly exist as they say and the world just turned inside out giving mother nature some time to finally heal? When left in charge man does very perverse things to all living things in their general vicinity and beyond their own foreseeable limits.
Part of my fear of being alone is that is where we are destined to go. Somewhere out into the heavens floating apart all alone. So many things don’t make sense. Like the trees that stand above us for hundreds of years watching g to the world a comforting old tune. It is the song played throughout all the ages when mother nature begins to let her sense collide. If we can’t take it with us than it fails to have any importance and in light of that it makes being alive a very scary thing. People kill for what others have, jealous of their lives. We live in a time where killing is almost as common as going to the grocery or kicking an old pop can. Their seems to be a weird sense of living, entitlement of some sort that makes so many people lead by their nose and not their hearts. If they can twist their nose up to where the air to them is cleaner than they don’t have to say too much of value after all. I want to be accepted but I also desire to be alone. If I am not surrounded by good people than I want nobody at all. My pets are good company and they keep me grounded in the here and now looking for a chance to make lost opportunities into something grand.