The Monster in Me

They say history always repeats itself or some version of it at some point or another. I just say it’s human nature that proves that we will never evolve into anything more. The idea as a young girl I was eating pancakes, running three legged races, eating birthday cake and watching fireworks all under the guise that we were a great nation while another child laid in a shallow grave with some of their friends, I am disgusted. I can’t even wrap my head around as an older sister running away from school, promising my sister I would come back for her, then never getting a chance. I can’t imagine being raised inside this invisible boundary line saying don’t go outside that line because the boogeymen will get you. Could you imagine as a child learning that the boogeymen did exist except they came in these boats and murdered your Grandparents and enslaved your Parents. They don’t live under your bed and disappear when you turn on the lights. No. They make you live in fear always because of something that you had done? Always look at the way that they cast stones. If I have learned anything it is to listen to the words of the accusers. When an innocent man is being accused of the most heinous of things, well look at the one pointing the finger that is all I am going to say. Imagine as a child being forced to understand that because of who your ancestors were you are deemed only a fraction of a human being. Imagine what it would feel like to be a child being told that there is no hope and definitely no future. Tell me what you would do to try and understand how somebody who loved you as much as your Grandparents deserved to die. It is not about skin colour at all but it is. Love is love is love and we have always needed it to heal.

This solstice has threatened to be a strong one and you can hear the chants far off in the distance. “Take No Prisoners! Leave No Man Alive!” What do we know about energy? It can be seen and felt and maybe sometimes heard. Well, you can only really hear it when it has always began it’s damage. It’s the evil that speaks in your mind, the one that does the most damage. It prevents you from being able to decipher fiction from fact. The energy pulls you into the deepest depths of your subconscious, it almost feels like you are walking on air. I have had the same nightmare since I lost the baby and the night before last was no different. The evil in the room was destined to play and what it had in mind could have extreme dire consequences. My son has a habit from waking up from 2 – 4 am (the devils hour), where no good ever happens and where lots like to come and play. That night was no different and me and my husband take shifts. Depending on if it is the weekday or not and if he had to be at work int he morning. It was Friday so I was wanting to get caught up o sleep so at 2 when it happened I got him from the garage and asked him to watch him. In my mind that man is always in the garage smoking cigarettes. A habit he promised to curb when we got married, had a baby, bought a house, got a car etc etc the list will go on. I went to sleep. 5 minutes goes by and he wakes me up. It’s your turn, I am tired can you please wake up. As I turned I exclaimed that there was no way it was 4! He was gone. Something over took me and for no reason I can even explain but I followed him to his garage where he was once again smoking and I am not kidding you I lost my sh*t!!!

Now I would love to tell you all the details about what exactly happened. I am sure that you could read the previous post to get all caught up ( ) but why start there. I woke up on the couch and felt so out of sorts. Like in a dream, or on clouds, I was in a very definite daze. Moving about I was very unsteady. Like I just rise up from a battle all wounded, defeated and broken. I went and laid with my son as my husband was gone. Previous work engagement. I blogged while my son slept to capture those feelings and moved through my day like an irrational beast. I couldn’t stop crying and I couldn’t get my bearings. Everything felt difficult. Like I was moving through water, at times drowning. When my husband came home (he cut his meeting short) I refused to look at him. Embarrassed of my actions although I felt like I was the one scorned. Trust me you need to read it. I am sure I painted myself out as the victim. This becomes all very important as I believe it shows what can potentially happen. I have a very strong mind and I exercise it everyday. I have experienced and survived through some trauma that others would have perished away. I did love my drugs and I would even drink alcohol but that is why I share with whomever wants to listen. Your past doesn’t define you and you can rewrite a new ending. That is what this journey has been about. I just want to empower you.

Now my husband took my husband to the park to give me some time alone so I chose to sleep. The nightmare came to greet me but with it came some new additions. The doorbell was new. And so was all my missing cats. The face of the man on top of me is different. Now what is it he keeps on saying? My dogs are outside? What the F! What the hell!! Knowing I was again dreaming I exclaimed how the f*ck did they get out! That’s when the man who was on top of me said I don’t know mam but your front door is open. I jumped up off the couch thinking what the actual f*ck! I ran out into the street closing the door and that is when I saw my 2 Corso’s just lumbering down the street. They were trying to follow my husband and son to the park. But there I was. Blind as a bat trying to get the world’s oldest dog and the world’s dumbest pup home. 300 plus pounds of dog that doesn’t want to listen. I don’t even have the cats accounted for our my little Latte it was then that my mind snapped. Crying in the streets I knew what just happened. He set me up. He was trying to make me crazy. I couldn’t leave the dogs and whoever was still at home was safe. I had to wait out the dogs till I could worry even more. The reason my mind first bended that way because it had absorbed an opportunity. As I stumbled around my kitchen I had seen my husband’s phone on the charger. I couldn’t call him for help. He had planned it that way.

After getting the dogs inside I knew my brain was going to snap in half so I did what anybody would do and I called my mom. I keep replaying the conversation in my mind. I am surprised she could even understand me. I told her my version of events and how he was trying to set me up. I was hysterical, irrational and I kept saying that I was not a bad person. The person inside of me is not what was bad. It was the energy that was trying to take over to make me be somebody different. Darkness can’t win over light. They never will. Never can. That is why when in great danger they always say come into the light. The promise of a new day also brings with it a new chance. See all this becomes important now as my husband came home. My mom was on the phone still and she was begging me to keep calm like she knew. She knew there was an evil still inside of me and it comes from what happened before. I am not healed from my trauma because I am still deeply ashamed. How do I know? Because it is everything I just said. My shame made me blackout in a rage. I lashed out at my husband. I grabbed at his glasses because I knew it would make him blind. In the process I scratched his face. I left the mark from my beast. That is why I couldn’t look at him. That is why I cowered in shame. The evil in me knew it was caught because I would never want to be that way. I am the monster. Now what do I do with that? This whole time I thought I was doing good when I was the one who needed saving.

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