New Year, New Me

What would be the start of 2023 without the obligatory new year, new me post right? All the hopes and promises that we hold for the future like a newly lit candle waiting to be greeted by the morning light.

I think for 2023 I want to be more authentically me and less of the entity that others have perceived me to be. I want to let go of the chains that pain me but I think that is a weight that I have become accustomed to so when all things are under consideration I am not sure what to even do.

There is a lot of anger that surrounds me. It makes me so upset the way that others can be. Little or no consideration for the feelings of others or the way that others should be. Even the eggshells I find myself walking on are too noisy and not to mention they have begun to make my feet bleed. I wonder what it would feel like to be noticed instead of this being that has come forward for all those to see.

I have succumbed to this idea that I need to hide a piece of myself to prevent others from knowing who I truly am. When I tried to open up to those around me they turned their back and ran from me citing no more of this poor whoa routine that has come to haunt me.

It makes me feel sad that I have to walk this existence alone only to be comforted by all these names that others have given me. The worst is being a fat, overweight, lazy loser that doesn’t even have the energy to even clean. I get made fun of when I say that I can’t breathe. When I tell you that there is no oxygen in the room it is something that terrifies me. Imagine an existence where the simplicities of life are taken away from you.

I guess I have to do something about this weight gain. I never lost the weight after my son was born. I hate to be that cliché of saying I am going to lose some weight this new year but I think it is time for me to do something about it. Maybe then I can finally breathe.

Who would I hurt if I embraced me? Do I really have to fall into the ideas of what others have found themselves to believe? Socially I want to feel loved and accepted but then I find myself wondering exactly what that could mean. Sure I would love to have somebody to talk to but maybe that existence was never meant for me.

I still hold my life to have some sort of value even though these days it has become sort of hard to do. When you spend your days surrounded by somebody who hates your guts and secretly just wants you to leave you start becoming all the words and feelings that another entity has started to believe.

I want to feel less desperate going into 2023. I want to let go of this idea that I need other people around me for me to finally be able to breathe. The idea of validation crosses my mind. Do we need another being to witness our existence to show that there is somebody out there that truly cares? I am jealous of those that have made a life with their high school sweetheart and I can’t help but wonder if there is a true love out there somewhere for me.

I don’t want to tangle with another beings sloppy seconds, I would rather be the first one coming around to the table instead of feeding the masses like some sort of brunch after a mass New Years Eve dinner. You know that feeling. Let me just have a little taste. This will stay between you and me we don’t need anybody else. The lies that some will tell in order to keep you coming around. I don’t know what to tell you when there is no sanity to even be found.

I just want to embrace who I am and who I am about to be. I am tired of feeling like I am standing in quick sand and that there is nobody around me who will ever want to believe. It makes me sad to think that my best will never be good enough and I will always be made fun of by those around me.

I get stunted in my own existence to scared to even come out. I think in the past few years I have barely even left the house. There is too much judgement passed between those that will never understand. I still live in fear of my neighbour who lives across the street who will scream all kinds of obscenities just so that other people can hear.

Imagine being so down in your own life all you can do is tear down somebody else’s too. Does it matter if I bleach my hair or dress like a woman? I never said that you have to too. That domineering presence has made it so I just don’t want to leave the house. She pushed me into a corner making it so that I never want to leave the house.

Aren’t people allowed to make mistakes and express who they are? Why does it matter to you how they look and how they live their life they never tried to include you this I know for sure. I will never forget that feeling when I caught her trespassing around my house. I guess it makes total sense the barrage of insults that came my way when she finally got caught.

I hope this year will be different and I will be met with more love and less abuse. There is this fear inside of me that I will always be hated no matter what time and year I find myself in.

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