Nothing Else Matters

I can understand the purpose but I am having trouble comprehending death. If we were empowered with the knowledge before entering this existence would we still go in? Just to experience what it feels like to be alive? Be loved? What if they told you they would give you the gift of wiping your slate clean so you would feel another journey begin? Maybe you thought you could handle the pain. If you couldn’t now would you still do it all again? I am so very confused on what we are doing here. Complete strangers want to bring you to your knees. I would have thought it would be human nature to want to take away another’s pain not inflict it. Look around. Feel the time wasted. Embrace the lives wasted. Feel their presence in your timeline we are all worthy of that.

I can’t imagine the mind it would take to bring to fruition so much evil, so much hate. Even me who was raped on 3 separate occasions the final time left for dead. I never imagined retaliation. It was offered to me. Who would I become but the monsters that they are. Yes I lived for almost 3 decades living in the shadows. Disgraced of who I was. How I was treated. I let people treat me poorly because it gave me an outlet for my rage. Physical harm I only committed to myself. I tried to cut those who hurt me with words or just black out all together. You become everything you think you are when your mind is so weak. Drugs and alcohol either numbed the pain or prolonged it, depending on the mental state. I think my family often wondered the thoughts that were going on inside my head. My mom frequently blamed the city (Vancouver) and longed for me to try something new. You know how embarrassing it is to let your mom know you have a drug problem. Every mother’s worst nightmare right there. Especially in today’s day and age. There is so much more at stake when getting involved with hard drugs. It is like playing another form of Russian Roulette.

We all are living somewhat privileged. No matter your cultural limitations it is so much better than what and where it was before. We want to believe that we have come so far since Ms Rosa Parks took a seat on that bus. The way I see it we should still feel just as much shame in the segregation of our cultures. Is there a big difference between who we truly are inside as people. Of course we all have our own character and disposition and things that captivate the mind. But staring deep into the eyes of love can you tell me the difference in the eyes that look back at you. Does it matter the colour of skin or the God we decide to worship. Maybe that is the error of our ways. What makes us human are the bodies we are kept inside. But deep inside where nobody else can see and usually where nobody else can go is your true self, your divine power, your white light. So instead of just stopping with what is on the inside maybe we should want to dig deeper and discover the joy within ourselves and the love that can blossom in doing so.

“People who respect me for my character and my deeds, not my flattering smile. The circle around me would be much smaller, but what does that matter as long as they are sincere?” I am trying to read through “The Diary of Anne Frank” as fast as I can. Not to be disrespectful to her existence but when you are reading the final words of such a sweet, vibrant young girl you don’t want to prolong her hope of one day being saved. Everything inside of me aches for her. Did she truly have to die. Did millions of people have to pay with their lives for another’s ultimate sin echoing through the hallways of time? Reading her words I can bring her to life but I can’t stop what happened to her and to others. I can be sad and I can be angry but most of all I am ashamed. I am ashamed that mankind hasn’t learned enough from this passage in time. I want to shake the World so fiercely. I want to scream on top of my lungs. Maybe I would if I thought it would make a difference. If I thought someone would care.

With sweet sorrow I want to honour the existence of those that were forced to end their stories so suddenly. Not suddenly enough for some. What becomes so clear that when stripped away of all material possessions what becomes most important is the need to feel accepted a desire to feel loved. Without hope of at least the basics there ceases to be any will at all. What humans can do just for their own benefit blows my mind. We still do it. We have no idea what is going on in another’s day but we still think we have the right to blow their day to smithereens. Case and point. A friend of ours on Christmas Eve had illegally parked his car. He claims it was for 2 minutes only but in the process he got a parking ticket. Because the ticket guy was still right there he confronted him on his audacity to ticket him at all over 2 min on Christmas Eve. He said more things and all of a sudden right before his very eyes this grown man collapsed to his knees and began to cry. He apologized profusely stating he was just doing his job and if he didn’t follow their rules he was scared of losing it. He said it is so degrading to have this job because back home he was an engineer in his country. To make matters worse his wife is in isolation with COVID and he is working extra shifts just to try and provide for his family. Insert foot in mouth here. He felt like an asshole and as he should. He also offered to buy him a coffee. But bloody hell mate you already shit all over his day and no amount of double doubles will ever change that. We are oblivious to each other. And nothing much matters and I don’t think any space of time sadly will ever change that.

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