A Vain Existence

Have you ever just wanted to give up entirely? Too tired off the emotional onslaught that is sure to ensue. If all we need to be is accountable to ourselves while all others run free. It is rare to find anybody who is brave enough to use their voice. We are weak by all measures as a new reality matures and goes into full bloom. We pretend our existence is the only one that matters. We hope our lives after death become more enriching then before. How is it that thousands have flocked to his defense yet he hasn’t even blinked an eye. Beware of the hands who feed you as they have become rabid from their own demise.

In and amongst the chaos all I hear is white noise. I don’t have much in common with the outside world anymore. My heart beats a little bit differently. Scarred from the loss of innocent lives throughout time their haunting whispers move through me. I wish I could hold those in my arms and let them know their life made an impact on me. I am not the same anymore. I want to connect with those that feel like me but I am unsure where to find them. Too scared of the emotions that threaten to drown me I outstretch a hand to see. Can life truly be worth living again without the weights and pain of the past.

Too watch the horrors unfold that others think they are entitled. We tread where it is forbidden because it is our lives and nobody can stop us. We don’t care if somebody else lost a child, parent or sibling. As long as it’s not us we can keep on demolishing our future. Sit pretty my friend it is almost all over. Unless you like chaos then it has just begun. I am trying to emotionally detach myself from everyone. What I know and what I feel is if our own families can betray us what hope do we have of ever standing down?

The longer it goes on the more numb you become. At least for me the need for human interaction is slowly beginning to fade. Why talk to those who will turn and use your words against you when you can remain silent instead? Mornings are my favourite when the rest of the world is asleep. The soft snores of many remind me I am in a safe place. For now this place is safe but for how long I can’t help but wonder? As long as a stay amongst those that thrive on positivity and love, at least my existence will have some meaning and my heart will remain full.

With the start of each day I am determined to live my life differently. I don’t want to surround myself with those who know my name. The ones who laugh at me when my back is turned and disrespect me just the same. I don’t waiver from those I trust, those that will save my life. Of course there are some who will always tell white lies out of a habit acquired when they were kids but when it truly matters the truth will set them free. How can we stop the flames from burning that were started long ago. Am I the only one who thought of JFK and Jackie O watch their beloved city get burned to the ground. He died trying to defend his country and his people now nobody even remembers his name.

To live such an existence where your life, your presence is the only one that matters. Our only hope is there is no life after death and none of this matters. If there is a God he won’t save us because we continue to spit on one of his own. There are good people out there somewhere. They are just as scared as me. What would change if we began to believe each other. Loved each other with feelings and no words. I see how selfish we have become and all I want to do is love those that are broken bought together. I wish we could become a world that valued each other’s existence. It hurts my heart the way some have died and I am so ashamed for living my life in vain. I know I am just this spec of dust with very little to gain. At least I try to honour those who lived before me by at least knowing their names. You were once here just like me and one day I will come find you and take away your pain.

I try to imagine an existence free from hurting others for my own personal gain. Of course at times my family annoys me and my husband crawls under my skin. This is my bubble though and it is up to me to protect them and nurture them from within. I think my son gets annoyed with me as I squeeze him and kiss his face. I want that moment to last forever because I know one day things will change. I pray that I will be good enough so that he never walks away. I am scared he will shun me like my father and that pain will be too much to take. If that day were to happen then I once again will live in vain. Caring only for my own existence, I wonder if anybody will ever know my name.

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