Remember when I was trying so hard to fit in? Those days I would let anybody talk bad about me because it was only me and I only had my two feet on which to stand. There was a time when the green eyed beast of those around me run rampant as they tried their best to not include me and have me run for the hills and hide away. I remember those who had to lie on their backs so freely to try to make their ends meet and maybe dine in on some takeaways once they finished off their nasty deeds. What I remembered about sex and wanting to be desirable is this is a spell that could never get lost on me. Once you come face to face with the entity that made you in the beginning you won’t waste time no more on mediocre to begin to settle the score.

What does that even mean you crazy woman have you lost your mind when you cut the rest of the world off? There was a time when I thought I knew exactly what I needed until my guardian angels came to alter the score. They knew the man that set my soul on fire was not good enough for me and they tried to distract me in every which way. The only thing that was able to come between us was a diversion of epic proportions that blazed up on apartment building that night before I left. Believe what you want to believe but I believe in a higher power that is greater than ourselves. I am not allowed to talk about it too much because it makes other people to uncomfortable but if you have to believe in something you better start believing in yourself.

The problem with society is they let those who constantly ridicule a safe place to fit in. They are protected by this invisible shroud of don’t say that because that is triggering to me, while all others don’t give two hoots if they affect your psyche or inner being. You will always be collateral damage to them because you are something that is supposed to be feared instead of being loved. That is the light of your aura coming through that to them is too irritating so when it comes to dealing with these ogres in your life I say let the light shine through. My fortress is secure with room for those who need shelter the most to find a safe haven to come on through. The key to unlock the door into my sanctuary is that you haven’t have done something incredibly irritating or evil before. We all have our days but some words cut deeper than any knife and to those beings in my general vicinity I ask them to go forth silently into the night. I don’t wish them no harm but I know they do not wish me the same. The only reason why they try to keep me closer is so they can win at whatever game they try to play.

To me there is nothing more desirable than lusting after what you do not have. There is an urgent sense that you may never obtain it and that energy that burns inside you is what keeps you alive. I will always maintain that getting your rocks off is as archaic as hunting with a bow and arrow to keep yourself alive. It all feels the same in the end doesn’t it? Unless of course you find yourself with the entity that you believe to be your original savior, the one entity that is able to keep you alive. I don’t want to be with just anybody I want to feel that electric pulse that is so strong it can light up all the stars in the night sky. I felt that energy once surge inside of me and it is the one thing that keeps me up at night trying so hard to get this existence right. What people seem to miss is there is nothing more important than family and there is a reason why so many measures have been put in place to try and perverse what that should mean. I understand our lives do have and should have value but I am telling you it should be more than notches on our bed post to even out the score if you know what I mean. We have so much more to offer the world than what humans have done for centuries to preserve their species now it is time to use our brains I think just a little bit more.

So here is my conclusion if you are ready to hear it. March to the beat of a different drummer because in this life you only get to live once and there is no way you are getting out of here alive. Hold yourself to a higher set of standards than you even give yourself credit for and know that in life nature always finds a way. That we are never truly alone unless it is the result of our own actions and we can’t hold others responsible when we only have ourselves to blame. How long can you keep pushing for before the weight caves in on top of you? I will be 43 in 4 days and I should be thankful for this time. No matter how awful some days have been I still am able to breath fresh air and feel the warmth of the sun. There are some just like me that have done nothing to deserve the hand of cards they have been dealt. I am not talking about me I am talking about the other innocent survivors that are out there somewhere in this world. The ones who did nothing to deserve the rubble that they find themselves in. The innocent victims of war that come out because one man has decided that he wants it all. Why would he do such a thing when he knows that he will never make it out of here alive. Why would he kill men and children and condone the rape of the women too? Why? We remember Anne Frank. We swear to her image that this kind of thing would never happen in our time. That we are better than those who lived before us but are we? Look at what we are allowing to be done. So ya. I am not like you. I am not like any of you that think you are better than this space of time we find ourselves in. I can’t live so superficially when those who share this time with me or suffering I need to find a way to help others get their heads out of the sand. Yes finding your identity is one thing but can we do it at the expense of another human life? I know the answer to that question already it is the your answer that I fear.