Yes it seems all find and dandy when you are being swept up in a romance and you think that everything will work itself out in time. The deed is done after months of what seems like a perfectly happy sunset and the two of you ride away on a champion steed. What you failed to recognize in your perfect bubble of couple bliss is that your champion steed is just a minature pony and now that poor lil pony is left miserable trying to live up to your expectations.
I feel for the man who decides to wed a woman in her mid to late 30’s. You see the problem is we may have lowered our standars and put these blinders on so we can see past the normal things that normally would have running to the hills. Every woman knows what I am talking about just like in that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry picks apart women looking for an exscuse to run the women who are afraid of commitment do just this. There is one major difference between a man’s pickiness and a woman’s, our clock ticks there’s doesn’t
The closer you get to 40 the louder that tick is and if you aren’t in a relationship you start throwing qualities that were deal breakers out the window. It’s either that or you just rush into it and hope for the best.
It is hard to say what the fate of our marriage is but it is very obvious that we both rushed into it. After only 6 month’s of dating (not even that we both struggled and worked so much that we didn’t really see each other. We moved in together just so we could spend time together) we found ourselves saying “I Do”. Alot of it had to do with that we were expecting and the rest were for the simple reason that having a family was important to us so we both wanted to work at it. We also had a lot of similarities we were both loyal and committed to each other and our growing family. We both also had great relationships with our mothers (that they say is the first indication if a man is good). I am not sure if it would have made a difference but here’s a few things that I had wish I had known before committing to somebody:
1. My husband is very much a man’s man. His job is very dirty and he never comes home without being covered in, well everything. He tracks a horrible amount of dirt around the house and alot of the time he is so exhausted from work that he only has the energy to change.
2. He is very loyal to his work and puts in long hours and days. Taking on the responsibility of taking care of the house and family is alot of work. I used to have dreams of moving up the corporate ladder but those dreams have now changed. Being able to be a stay at home mom has allowed me the chance to blossom in the beginning I used to be exhausted after my day as well but I have learned to appreciate the joys of being at home.
3. He’s a smoker. Of course I knew he was a smoker at the time but he always had promised to quit. It was when we live together, after we are married, when our son is born you get the picture. I have learned to accept the fact that he probably will never quit. It has been 3 years for me since I quit. I hate the smell and at times I just can’t be around him because of it. I know it sound shallow to judge somebody for their smoking but as of right now it is not a deal breaker.
4. He keeps secrets. My husband has this nature where he wants to keep the things that will upset me a secret. What he doesn’t know is it’s up to a women to know these things and that it just annoys us to eventually find out.
5. He will never make the first move. How can I blame somebody for the lack of intimacy in our relationship when it takes two to tango. Can you believe that after 2 years of marriage we are still acting like school kids. Yes it has now been 2 years since we have been intimate. I know for me I have yet to embrace my body after motherhood. I know it’s sagging and aging and probably not in all the right places.
I am sure there is many more points but these are the major ones. To have your partner either working or sleeping what feels like 80% of the time puts alot of weight and stress on me. It has been hard to not lash out on him but I have to be accountable for my role in the family as well. If my husband comes home to an untidy house because I was having an off day it has a direct impact on his modd. If the roles were reversed and I was the breadwinner and I just wanted to come home and relax and a bombshell had gone off I wouldn’t be too happy either. Just as in the beginning I would try and pass off a teething baby in his arms because I was at my witts end. In these moments when I am completely frustrated I have no idea what has happened in his day. If you add in that he has been in traffic for 45 minute he would need some time to decompress and unwind. Some would see this as a gender role but we had a conversation in the beginning about who would stay at home. In a man’s world they are still getting paid more than a woman would and his work was guaranteed. We both made the decision that him working this much would help our familly get ahead. Daycare is expensive and besides being able to stay at home was worth any partime job. The discussion was also had that if a time came that I needed to return back to work that I was able to do so.
My husband also supports my Non Profit dream. In order to keep busy and relevant in today’s time I found a way to give back to my community and be a role model to my son. I have created a job that I love where I wake up in the morning with pride and determination. I have become an active member in my life and feel reborn. My ability to explore my passion through this way has been an incredibly rewarding experience. To date I have raised over $1200 for animal shelters in need. I have a hobby and passion to be proud of. In addition to raising money for local animal shelters I have rediscovered my love for reading, thirst for knowledge and the desire to continuously improve as a person. If I can inspire others along the way by just sharing my storey then that is what I will do. There is no shame in my game. If I didn’t have a supportive husband then these dreams wouldn’t be obtainable. He does all this for me away from his family. The more I can learn about myself the better I can connect with him.
The smoking and the intimacy. To me these go hand in hand. It is so super hard to get close to a smoker once becoming a non. I have learned to give up on the nagging as that is never going to work. It seems like such a process for him to shower, brush his teetch, use mouth wash. For one the smell seeps out of your pores and for two I want a whirlwind romance. Everybody wants that rush of excitment that only comes when one is swept away in the moment. Not to get to ahead of ourselves because we are barely touching lol. I need to just relax and maybe acknowledge all the great in my life.
Oh and I almost forgot the most important:
6. Relationships take work!!! The really do. Relationships are truly hard. Yes there are the ones that come naturally and everything is in sync but trust me you want a relationship that takes work. You want somebody who always has your back no matter what. EVen after you have a fight you need that person to sing your praises and go to bat for you. You will never truly know everything about that person but you can become their best friend. I tried to play 10 questions on our road trip but my husband just laughed. There are little things I don’t really know about him. When I think about it I don’t really know what he loves. I know what he hates like onions and peppers because he says that alot but I truly don’t have a clue. He loves junk food especially certain sweets and only eats the marshmallows out of Lucky Charms (so does my 18 month old which is super cute to watch). I also know how much he loves us. Something inside of me has always been afraid to admit that. Isn’t it sad to think that somebody who truly loves you for all that you are could be chased away for you being your most vulnerable. I find myself lying to myself about what it is I truly want. The answers are only now just coming clear. As I learn to open up and explore my mind I find it helps to talk about the experience to others. There is no way that in a world filled with a billion people that my storey is the only one. I know there are many of you on the same course that I am. The main characters are different and maybe the choices we have to make vary but the end result is the same. How can we get the most of the choices that we are making and how can we alleviate the pain that we and others around us are experiencing. It is as simple as taking the time to get to know yourself first. Does it make sense to live a life void of passion and experiences. It is not enough to just move through the movements but to live in them as well. In just relaying this message to me I get an answer for myself. Here I was acting in the role of what I thought a good mother and wife should be and look like. Why on earth am I acting in this role. I am not on display for others enjoyment but to live my life in a way that has my heart singing with joy. If I want to hug and kiss my husband I should do so. I am pretty sure he won’t push me away. Lol isn’t this the funniest thing ever!!! Two years of marriage and here I am a 40 year old woman scared to hug and kiss my husband after work. So here is my promise to myself and to the other’s that read this. I am committed to improving myself and helping all those along the way. To show you that I am a woman of my word and of courage I am going to embrace my husband apon his arrival at home. I am also going to try and have the house relatively tidy too. Not because it is expected of me but because I do enjoy it. Sometimes I let life carry me away and I need to stay present and focused to my role in my family and do my part to help the family dynamics succeed.