Then I realized that it wasn’t so much what was wrong with the World but what was wrong with me. I could see how the negative energy and assumptions that I was putting out into the World was once again being attracted and therefore reflected back on me. So realistically I was stuck in a loop. Destined to relieve the same cycle of misfortune over and over again. Unless…maybe. Could I truly maybe manifest my own destiny? It really wouldn’t matter if I did truly achieve my true potential because ideally you would never truly reach your dreams. Which makes sense in the grander scheme of things. The only true thing holding us back is ourselves and our minds ability to imagine a different way of thinking.
So far throughout my readings I have read so many things that I love. The thought of living my life uniquely. I have unknowingly lived my life in a different way than most. Also using your past as a teacher to help guide you into the next chapters of your life. Reflecting on what that means to me, truly I can see that maybe unknowingly I have set up this barrier. It is easier to judge than be judged. So if my energy that I am emitting is instantly negative and guarded than so will my husband’s. With nothing truly to lose why not use some of these principles and skills I have been reading about.
My husband’s job is very labour intense. His job is very demanding both mentally and physically so I should appreciate what he endures for us to live the life that we do. So rather than be this sexually frustrated uptight broad I must try a different way. I made sure the house was clean, all his laundry was done, had dinner on the go. He was able to shower (even with Peanut). I even snuck in as he was getting out…lol like two ships passing in the night. Baby steps right. Imagine that we have never truly seen each other nude. Our dear friend who passed thought it was strange that we didn’t shower as a family (he was very old school French). I also read that couples who shower together have deeper bonds. This was my small attempt to change my attitude. Towards our family, us and everything. It’s only been day one but let me tell you how it felt to kiss my husband as he slowly fell asleep.
Its 9:30. My house is clean. My family is asleep after a shower and a belly full of homemade hamburgers and salad. I feel pretty positive about this future. I might as well try. More to that I have always thought I would thrive being a 1950s housewife so why not embrace it all including my husband. Getting up, excited to read a few chapters before bed I heat up some coffee. Grabbing a granola I look at my hubby sleeping and I instantly want to start this full force. He is very picky so I dont want to impress him with lunch. I can get up with him early to do that. I wanted to do something now. Looking closer at him I see how exhausted he is. I see his crumpled work socks in bed beside him. I walk towards him to put his dirty socks in the hamper instead of getting mad. I noticed he is wearing his shorts so I decide to help him out of those so he can have a good sleep. Poor guy almost jumped out of his skin asking what was going on. Lol I brushed his hair out of his eyes and told him I thought he would be more comfortable as he drifted off to sleep.
I also keep forgetting his mom entrusted me with her only son and grandson. I need to try and radiate the attention that I want and see if maybe I can get the tides to turn in my favour. I know we can’t change anybody nor do I want to. I just want to simply see if I change my attitude and embrace my life uniquely maybe things will turn around.
My family is worth it a million times over. We are human and together we created life we both deserve to see our son grow in a positive, nurturing environment and I can honestly say I have had my back up for awhile. This is no way to live so I am going to live like the change happened and see how things unfold. Today went pretty good. I took a higher view of my life and theWorld that is immediately around me. I have 9 beautiful cats who love me dearly. They follow me from room to room just waiting for me to take a seat so they can grab a lap. They especially love nap time as we all get to sleep on the King size bed. What a perfect way to spend a lazy afternoon. We also have two doggies and the 4 budgies. Every morning I play records for my budgies to sing too. I also just bought my son a Raffie Record. Opening song “Baby Beluga”. To watch m son with the widest, dimpliest grin with his hands in the air as he sways side to side I know that finally for once this path feels right. I am sure that this is the way it is supposed to feel.
Now the task at hand is this. If I want to be successful in my role as loving partner, confidant and wife I must learn more about this genre and what makes relationship successful. So now in addition to reading for pleasure and knowledge I must add successful relationships to the list. In fact hang on let me google and find out the recommendation and order it in for 2 weeks from now. Let’s see what google says…..Alright so two weeks from now available to me will be Steve Harvey’s “Act like a lady think like a man.” I think I heard good things about this. At least that’s a start right. K so let me tell you something. I know the generation now is all about the kindle but nothing smells as great as an old book. On my to read list is “The Death of a President” by William Manchester. It was a First Publication legit published in 1967. Just smelling the pages you could smell history. The original libray card is in there. First taken out on March 9, 1969 and last day Oct 22, 1996. I remember stamping those old libray cards. My first employment ever was a volunteer position at the library. I was 13 and I mostly just put books away but every once and awhile they would get busy and I would either stamp the cards or file them. Usually stamped because at 13 my alphabet wasn’t as strong as the ladies.
See how simple a memory comes back when something jogs it. Learning to appreciate the past and trying to understand why I veered so drastically off course. The deeper I think about what transpired I can kind of see what happened. To be brutally honest to fully understand this is what I remember most. I loved playing sports so much so it was all I wanted to do. When my dads work took him out of town more it almost seemed like all activities slowly ceased. It was always our choice and honestly there is really no reason for why I chose the path that I did other than we always kind of mimic what we see. When my dad would go out of town my mom would stay out late. She would get up and go to work in the morning but if she knew dad wasn’t coming home she would hang out longer at the pub’s. I am not in any speaking down on my mom this is just a fact. But let it be known if we ever needed her she would drop everything in a heartbeat. That is kind of what got her to where she is. When my mom was 15 she became pregnant with my older sister. I classic case of teenage love/lust ending in sex. For my mom she really had no control of that spiral for herself either. Her dad died in a tragic accident just outside of Golden when she was only 13. Her mother was also an alcoholic and on welfare so mix the two together so there is no real surprise that my mom ended up another statistic.
Looking back at pictures of my mom being a single 16 year old mom she was usually always working. That is how my dad first met my mom. He showed up at a birthday for my mom’s sister and there she was on her hand’s and knees scrubbing a toilet that over filled. She sure was a beauty with her beautiful, flaming red hair. She did everything she could to provide a life for my sister and then after she was with my dad she did everything for us too. She was a great cook and an amazing housekeeper she just had these ghosts from her past that liked to come out and grip a hold of her. That same grip got a hold of me too. You just don’t know or understand any other way of being. When you grow up with your surroundings always being the same what else can you expect. There was always a 2 litre bottle of Rock a Berry cooler or Kiwi hidden in our vegetable crisper. She also hid smoking from my Dad for the whole nature of their marriage. This is the only reason why I get upset with my husband for lying about quitting smoking. My mom did it their whole relationship and look where that got them divorced!! Neither me or my husband drink. Well me rarely. I don’t drink till oblivion but I have recently learned that a beer or two during a hot summer’s day is actually quite nice. It just takes the edge off.
With my husband working as much as he does right now it is time I step up and take on two roles (momentarily). I have to try and break the cycle that will try and take my son in as well. There are a few ways I can think of those life skills that I have learned. Plus I have tools and can acquire more tools through reading and seeking out outside opinions and advice. Writing it all out sees that this all is going to be worth it. In fact it will probably work out better than expected. If I can manifest my dreams coming true it will be becoming the type of woman who has taken charge and found a way to alter her own destiny. A mother’s love can move mountains and look at it now taking down walls! To live life uniquely and sophisticatedly (is that a word? If not it should be) has given me so much inspiration and pride. Not only in myself but in my family. I already feel my husband’s love reflecting down on me. There really is something to living life authentically and simply and to strive to always learn and be your best. My life has changed in so many positive ways since the day I met my husband it is almost impossible to imagine a life not lived without him. How lucky of a girl I truly am to have a man wait so patiently while making all my little girls dreams come true. Strive for consistent, positive movement in the right direction and watch your happily every after begin to unfold.