Day 17: Set a Mini Goal

With all that is happening around me I have to dive into the center of my brain and set a mini goal. How far in the future and how mini can it be? Is it wrong for it to be superficial or is it supposed to be something that sets you free? Is it something we have been working towards or does it have to be something new? I mean the dailt list of tasks I find myself keeps growing as it is a list of goals I can never achieve. What I have told myself to try and do on the day to day would make the average person insane. I try to fill the day with the most potential ceasing to acknowledge any other way.

My goals in life rarely vary from day to day. There is all the regular household chores that make me so thankful to have a family and more to that a home. Should a goal be to finally scrub around the toilet or can that wait another day? There is gardening to be done and laundry to be folded and heaven forbid when it comes to walking the dogs. Should a goal be more personal or should I let my identity absorb into their being and forget all that I was born to be. I got lost in all the movement as I struggle to find my place. Maybe my goal should be in not worrying and trying to change the things I can’t change.

A big part of my life is loving on those for no reason, especially the ones who have long forgotten about me. Maybe that can be my goal or is that a legacy? Leaning on those we no longer see. I hear your whispers as your lips tickle my ear just like they used to do. If i breathe in deeply can I make your lungs move because I am growing tired of loving all these beings alone. If it wasn’t for their unconditional love back I would be found somewhere off the beaten track. It was never my plan to be washed away and forgotten about. Oh how I long for just one kiss. To set a goal when a piece of me longs for companionship another being, heaven sent.

Can a mini goal be one such as finding a friend? Another human to laugh with, live with and potentially light the fire within? Maybe I can’t commit to just one. Maybe the idea of saying this is something I am going to do is to limiting and to put pen to paper to say this is it, this is my be all end all for an outcome that is spinning out of my control is a decision I can not make. If I was given one day and one day only there isn’t much more I think I could change. I still would love unconditionally my family stealing away as many hugs and kisses as I one could make. I would squish my son a little tighter and squeeze those adorable cheeks. I still would hold each cat close and dance with them in the moonlight to the sound of only their purrs. If I knew Daisy would sit on my shoulders and not get into trouble and fly away I would have her there too. It is not lost on me that the greatest accomplishment of my life is the way these animals perceive me and the daily ways they show me and insist on loving me back. In a sea of fur and feathers my heart begins to feel complete. It barely notices the absence of my better half, my life partner, the being that makes me feel complete. Can that be a goal, maybe that’s the way or is it too selfish too even think. Am I living this life alone with a partner who never notices me in all the hours he is awake. Do I dare to step outside of the shadows and search for a love that fills my heart instead on insisting on having it just wither away and break. I used to think I was worthy of finding love until love found me and I turned from it and ran away, now my heart searches tirelessly for you counting the minutes until you are awake in my dreams once again. The days I spent crying over you washing away pieces of it forever away.

So what’s a girl to do when it comes to setting a goal? Do I set one that sets my soul ablaze or do I just sit calmly in front of the fire. Waiting for the embers so I can finally sear close my wounds I never knew what silence was until you stopped being on the other side of that call. How can I set a goal to find you when I know already you don’t want to be found. A million times I have said I am sorry still no answer I will ever find. My goal at the time was never in losing you it was setting my heart free. I couldn’t be tied down by the same limitations that grabbed you, my untamed heart could never allow for that. The goal that I have long been working towards is learning to age gracefully and trying not to let life get to fast and pass me by. I always try to live authentically calling out others who have grown content in their lies. If I had a dime for every friend turned enemy I think I would be rich. I demand a higher class of lady, I will always demand complete respect. It works both ways when making a friend you should never have to blow over another’s lies. We let too many people get away with murder as we tiptoe gingerly away! My feet will never grow tired of walking towards good people. Those same feet never skip a step when running away from the bad ones either no matter how high the heels or the distance I might have to go. I dare to love all differently with kindness and the upmost respect. I dare to live life differently no matter the hate or shade that I have been accustomed to expect.

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