The more I listen the more things make sense. At least I think I am listening and I think things are making more sense? Unless of course it is just a touch of insanity and does it really matter to anybody just how our story ends. Maybe to the living but in the end even they don’t mind. One thing for sure is what we are doing right now will eventually be for nothing so why the hell do we insist on all this fighting and who and why is it we keep on fighting for so long for.

My favorite way of connecting is when there is no need for words. The outpouring of mutual love and respect flow freely and it is in that true sense of self you can catch your breath and relax. You made it to the realm where your reality makes sense. Maybe to no other but oh well your heart and brain can finally rest. Isn’t that what happens when your reality comes out of sync with your being? A pull towards uncertainty, you can’t win for trying and with one foot out of the ring do you think you have what it takes to finally win this round? Do you have enough clout? Maybe another kick to the head? What is the sense of trying when those around you have written you as dead.

So what does one do when they are unsure? You look for the answers that surround you and that is when life becomes more clear. For example. My heart and soul longs for a daughter but in allowing it to take over my life it would detract from my son and truth be told he really, truly is rad. In life there is another that is worse off. A life cut off too soon by another’s malicious behavior. Take those two angel’s whose father drowned them in an oil vat. After killing their mother to be with his lover….there is no way my life can ever be that bad. Can it be? Absolutely not!! To never get a chance to have a future and know life and have a dream. To never have a first kiss, dance, date or even get a chance to graduate because of why? Your Daddy needed to get his rocks off and have sex? And to kill an unborn child with not even a thought! I refuse to live with the idea that there is no retaliation for that! So I won’t! I don’t have to if I don’t want to believe that if you want to. It makes life a wee bit easier I am convinced of that.

Do what you love, daily, and every thing else will fall into place. Imagine the type of person who will fall for you if you have no self esteem or self respect. Sure it is possible that there could be a knight in shining armour waiting to save us but chances are the love we seek needs to come from within us. Anytime I would confront somebody for piss poor behavior it would always explode right in my face. Those who have gotten used to playing their own charade have the most to lose when finally exposed so of course they are going to make their exist kicking and screaming. I am ok with carnage. It is loyalty that interests me and I got to stop insisting on breaking down doors that no longer serve a purpose to me. There are a reason why some obstacles serve more of a purpose than to slow us down some are meant to correct our path and course and send us on our way. I can’t believe some of the things the Universe has thrown at me and if I think too long on any of them they really mess me up.

I don’t want to be too greedy and I am more than appreciative for what I have I just want to experience what true success and wealth is don’t you? I am not sure what I would sacrifice in order to have success. Like if it were a tit for tat thing I would rather have my health and the health of all my loved ones there is no financial sum big enough for me to lust after that. I know there are those who can put a price on life and that will always shock me to hear what others think. Then to be exposed to what others are capable of becomes the living nightmare of my dreams.

Those toxic thoughts that once let out they easily cross over every line. It’s hard to listen to another’s opinion of you like they are entitled to it or it’s a matter of fact. You know what I mean. The lies that are told over and over again make it easier to believe. At least that is what I tell myself. If enough people are present in a room witnessing malicious gossip who are we to begin to determine what is fiction from fact. I don’t miss those times as I long for my bed. I hear all the things bad about me. I am not the one singing my downfall, I got a husband somewhere in the background eagerly waiting to share those facts. Well they aren’t really facts. Just wayward truths caught on ignorance and lies. You can’t win for trying when you fail to see eye to eye. Well not eye to eye. I dare you to look in deep. The eyes are the windows to the soul if you believe that and me. I also believed that like I believed in our souls. So much can be learned in their depths and remind us what it is that we can lose if we continue to play the game this way. To hurt each other in a way we can never return from. In the end when we win we actually lost as we close our eyes and take in our final breath.