Last Breath

Life in it’s entirety will never ever make sense. Not to us. Not in this lifetime. The most we can hope for is an existence that brings us some sort of peace right up to the bitter end.

We get carried away with the dramatics that has become life and we forget to focus on what is most important. The things that are more readily available to most is where we need to look. Life was never about getting ahead of the Joneses or the Browns but we all were content to make it that way. Happiness was always the focus until time takes it all away. One day we are on top of the world then we are widowed waiting for family to come and visit. Everybody has an excuse don’t they? My life is too important even now when yours is almost over. I can’t imagine that existence all alone but I am too scared of the alternative.

Sure it is all fun and games until you become too old to enjoy them. One minute you are retiring in the prime of your life with the love of your dreams and you blink and it has been taken all away. The life you had now returned back to dust like the time you spent living here was for nothing at all. How do you comfort one at the end of their life when all you want to do is freeze time and beg them to stay? How do you stop this world from turning and if this is what living is why is it so painful in the end. To have all you ever wanted then nothing all at once. It’s not because you did anything but get old and that’s a crime.

I have never had a relationship with my Dad. Kind of a foreshadowing from the youth that escaped us. I winder what life would have been like with a patriarch role model. Somebody to help guide me and navigate through life. One of the last conversations I had with my dad was when I graduated from University in 2004. We were in an elevator and he told me I was a beautiful girl but would be prettier if I could just lose some of my weight. He told me in life you need to working partners and both needed to contribute or you would never get ahead. We have spoke the odd word but nothing ever like that again. I miss having a father in my life someday’s all I do is cry.

I know why he hates me. I was always struggling trying to find my way. Losing my baby at 13 was devastating even though I had no idea what any of that actually meant. I knew there was a piece of me that would always be missing. It is why I struggled so long trying to find a partner. I sacrificed my first born so I needed to make sure that my life would count. For whatever that means, looks or sounds like I promised to always try. I would spend all my days scrambling and I would do so till the day I died.

One person in this world believes that they can’t make much of a difference so in their life their isn’t much they can change. What can you change if you don’t see a problem and what would you change if you had an inkling about any sort of way. We all live to die then get sad when somebody does. Isn’t that the end goal of life, to live, breathe and die? Well until one person came along and said go to work for me. I thought the point of an elected government was to help you and me live better? To look at the abnormalities of the world and say let me try and make things even. The rich get richer and not because they are smarter. Well in some ways they are but that is because they care for their own. How many times does somebody get a job for who they know vs what they know? We have all seen it. The qualified person gets looked over for so and so. You know it’s true. It has always been true just look at the royal bloodline. Of course our world is corrupt and cold.

To get old is a blessing and a curse. It depends on how you age and if you have any friends left standing too. Something too look forward to maybe. I don’t even know. I couldn’t imagine waiting for the visits that never happened from the visitors from my youth. Friends and family that were spoiled with time, trips and gifts are now long gone. Now that your senses are fleeting you are more than a hinderence to them than anything else so you wait. You sit and wait for your time to run out and hope for a better existence to move to after all this. This. This moment in time brings on so much pain. There are those clinging to your existence like their own life depended on it but they have no idea what it feels like to feel trapped. There is nowhere to go but down now. Time never goes backwards just fast forward at times. How I wish the ending of ones life was more romantic than what it is. I wish we knew more about where we were going but you know how that is.

Time why are you so unforgiving on your relentless path? Can’t you give us some sort of inkling of what is to come then revealing yourself to us when it is far too late. The flurry of emotions that threatens to suffocate us finally flees us till there is nothing left. Shallow shells of all we used to be up to and including the day we take our last breath.

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