I live in a home where my best will never be good enough and I will always be made to think that I need to try harder or find a better way. Yesterday I was blessed with some free time to myself and all I could think about was cranking the tunes and scrubbing this place clean. My son hates music these days and he commands all of my attention so the idea that I could put a little elbow grease into the places I don’t get to attend to most days was something strangely alluring and intoxicating that I was losing sense of all reality and control. I could have engaged in activities that I wanted to do like play my violin who lay in a corner calling my name but instead I was dedicated to getting this place into tip top shape in order to hopefully make my husband happy so that he could leave me alone. It didn’t happen.
I hate to complain and get all out of sorts but there is no greater insult than dedicating your day to another to have them just yell at you letting you know that you are useless. It hurt my heart in all sorts of ways, I get it. I am not for everybody and there will be those days when I will always appear to be getting in the way. I can’t help it. I am a try hard at heart. I will try anything to keep those I love happy even though it will be my sense and reality that is forced to foot the bill. Up and down the stairs I trot like it is no big thing. Go ahead and smoke your cigarettes of cancer and stop crying to me that you have no money to your name. I quit almost 6 years ago when the expense was getting to be too much. I didn’t want to waste 15 dollars do engage in nothing. All you do is stink and wreak havoc on the mind.
I think I would feel a little differently is things weren’t so negative around the house. I get that this has been something that has been engrained deeply and will be almost impossible to understand and try to figure out. I hate being called names but it seems like such a natural thing to do. There is a divide in both families that keeps us interacting peacefully and it is a shame. I see my future flash before my eyes and if it is the same of what has been giving to them I think I want to run away and hide. I understand the jealousy that intervenes in between families but this is almost like something I have never seen. I would never watch my mom waste away to nothing like that. I hope that in the future I can always keep her safely at my side. I maybe useless to that man who can never appreciate the fact that I try and sacrifice my time to clean his house but too me and my energy I am essential. Those are just facts and there is no need to boast.
One day when it is all said and done or eyes will become open and we will finally be able to see. What mattered to us most in this life has now amounted to nothing just like all that fighting and anger falling to the wayside. I never wanted to force myself to be a part of another life’s story or plan. Every time I have done so the pain has always gotten to be too much. What humans are capable of doing to each other when they think they will not get found out is deplorable. I never knew such beings to be so spiteful that it sets off all the alarms inside my inner being. If this is all that humans have to offer then I need to act quickly and send them back. Who needs to be reminded of all the ways we failed when we should be celebrated for just getting up. At least I know I needed to be cheered on some days and I know that others need to be do. Why stick yourself with a man who would probably end up pissing on your grave instead of lending you a hand in life to help you so that you can get up.
Is anybody truly useless in this day and time or should anybody be made to feel this way? Instead of a thank you or I appreciate the time it took to clean he found the one thing to pick a part and make me feel bad. “You’re Useless” is what he said and he ripped my heart apart like a knife. It was then that I knew my best would never be good enough or that man was incapable of any sort of happiness and in the end he would end up always hating me. I wish I could convince him that life could be so much better if he could just let me go. Why be around somebody you find so irritating when there are billions upon billions for you to find? I never understood this. Why would he insist on being around somebody that enrages him so deeply. All I have to do is breathe, or struggle to do so to set him off. Ever get yelled at for grasping for oxygen, I do? And I am not sure exactly what to do or where to even get off. There is only so much one can take is what I keep telling myself but I rise another day to keep trying again. I know that it isn’t so much about finding another life partner but keeping my son happy and at peace. These days it seems a lot more to have to keep on controlling myself and it is growing a little bit harder than I can take.