I think what most people fail to understand or even recognize is that for me, the more I dress up the more broken I really am. Sounds strange doesn’t it?

You would expect that somebody who dresses a little eccentric and over the top would be used to ridiculous stares and comments and the forever enquiries to where or is the party because no being would ever dress up like that on the casual day to day. There MUST be something wrong with me and the verdict is out there truly. It started when somebody was mean to me and ended with, I deserved to be treated aggressively based on what it is that I wore.

I don’t try to take away from anybody when I wear a dress or smock that brings a smile to my face. I read a meme that you should be careful who you insult for getting to know their inner child because you just have no idea what kind of upbringing they had and if they are trying to relive something they never had. To me I like that carefree attitude of not knowing where it is that we are going but being filled with hope that it would be ok somehow. Tomorrow is not promised, in fact it never comes so what is the sense of holding onto something that we have no business holding on to?

Maybe my damage isn’t prevalent on the outside like so many others out there portray. I can’t glorify the evil that was brought down upon me in my mind that is what would make me feel absolutely insane. I hate the idea of rough sex or having to submit to another’s evil ways. I have been put into that position more than once with not even my yells were to be heard so that my inner child could be saved.

I can’t glorify that part of my life that was taken away when I was merely a teen. How can I sit there and think how great it is to get off with just anybody when that was exactly the intentions, he wanted to set so I could always feel. He wanted to ruin me for everybody else so that I could never find happiness, that is when I realized that there is more to lying flat on your back to relinquish control to inhabit just a little bit of carnal pleasure.

I know isn’t that an oxymoron? It depends on who you ask. What I feel is that I just can’t lay down with just anybody with the absence of love being tossed around in my brain. My beautiful child dropped down from that chambre so why would I stuff it with just any Tom, Dick or Mary that is hanging around? Especially because at 43 I still desire a daughter to join me down here one day, I know my ticking time clock and my current relationship status will in fact be my final say.

That’s just me. It’s because of my belief and desire that I need there to be something after all this. That I am scared to engage in satanic or evil activities when there are so many tales telling us to try and live a better way. There were so many artistic scholars being handed down over the centuries and they are all trying to find the courage to speak and have their final say.

I am ashamed that there is no accountability, and we keep on going on our merry ways. Sex will always sell among the most evils, feeding on our most innocent in order to satisfy our most depraved. There is a fine line between making our world feel free of ridicule and judgement when the majority of beings out there are walking a fine line of becoming insane.

The world stopped making sense a long time ago with every news story we reed being about how somebody we once trusted decided to make their loved ones visit an early grave. It’s hard to watch stories that are like that, but it seems that every being out there is kind of thinking the same. If only that part of my life could just disappear, how easy would it all come to be? I think it is worth a try because there is nobody out there who is as lucky as me?

I think that is why it is so incredibly important to live by your own true North and never pay those haters or naysayers no mind. Life your life in your version that is most comfortable and don’t worry about the hate that may or may not come your way. Everybody should feel entitled because we only have this one life to live. It’s like if you don’t like what somebody is saying or doing you don’t have to honour it just hit that ignore button and carry on your way.

My desire to live in my grandmother’s best image is I hope to be reunited with her one day. She is the light and beacon that gives me sanity and I couldn’t be happier living any other way. She lived a beautiful life caring for her family and those she loved and there has never been a question that I wanted to turn out like her one day. I think that is why I have so much joy and peace with all the animals I rescued giving them a safe and warm place for them to come and all stay.

Our careless self-righteous entitlement is what has left the Earth’s energy depleted and negative. Think about it. How do you feel about you? Before all that negativity begins to seep into your brain. If you value, you and your existence just a little bit doesn’t that mean that the person next to you should be and is entitled to feel the same? That is what is missing, that deeper connection with self and then in turn each other. We might not be able to stop the world from turning but we can become each other’s little piece of Heaven here on Earth.