How do you know when the fruits of your labor is going somewhere or when your hard work begins to pay off? Who is keeping score and how are they keeping tally of a game that apparently has no concise rules?

We are told how to behave and what is to be expected of us, but it is so hard to get those facts wrapped around one’s brain. I remember listening to what I had been told with no question or reasoning was ever to sink in.

Where I know I failed as a mother, 100%, is how I tried to empower my son to somehow live somewhat the same. What could I possibly mean by that? Well, I always wanted him to feel it was ok to use his brain. Talk to him like the human that he was and not the child that everybody had insisted and made him out to be.

So now you are thinking this girl is out to lunch, but my mind told me why dehumanize him in this way. A child learns how to become independent by their surroundings so how would I actually be helping him in behaving this way. Even as a baby I would have full blown conversations with him when we were out. I remember once a woman stopping us because she said our banter was fascinating and now as he is growing up, I am told that my behaviour is wrong.

So why would I do this and was this actually a hindrance? I don’t think so, but I also think it depends on who you ask. What I wanted was to make it so he could think independently and think freely so he could trust the thoughts that were spiraling around inside of his brain. Not all adult’s intentions are honourable and not every adult will treat our children in similar ways. There is an evil that walks rampant among us, and I think if we don’t stop them soon, we all might end up insane.

Hard work has to pay off, doesn’t it? Or is it just a pigheaded consistency that desires nothing more than to watch one succeed? It’s hard to keep on doing the things that everybody comes down on you for when your heart and your soul keeps telling you to keep on doing more. The definition of insanity is to keep on doing the same thing over and over again with very little change. Is remaining stagnant considered a good thing or should one be screaming, running for that door?

We are what our parents have made us, and our children will have no choice but to do the same. Of course, we live in one of the most confusing times ever where more often than not we don’t even have to try anymore to use our brains. We are all desensitized but quick to exclaim the moment we feel offended or when somebody in life is trying to make us feel something similar or the same.

A deranged mind has no idea how to go out on a limb or how to even survive on their own. Their decision to stay away from society’s set of standards has rotted a hole in their brain instead. It makes me sad to learn what others our capable of and I think I am safest with my brood here at home. I know that there are others who have said something similar to me and wish they had the courage to leave and live a life by any other name.

Hard work has to pay off. I think that is why I insist on working my fingers till they bleed. I will get up early and stay up late in order to satisfy that insistent need. The one that says life has to be for something because it would be a shame if it were for nothing and when you get to thinking that way there is no sense in stopping until one begins to feel insane. I love the human body and the experience, but I hate what some do when they get together and it will always have me questioning how it is as humans, we can be so mean.

I like to think about where we came from and where it is we are going and the only thing I can come up with is we are meant to lie among the stars. That it speaks to why some stars remain in the sky all distant and alone and why some blend together to be a constellation by any other name it begs to have the questions answered are we in fact one and are we the same?

When all the hard work is done who do we become once we are returned to the dirt and what happens to all the material items that we once treasured and loved? If we had some pets, are they being loved and cared for, or have they been returned to the shelter to begin being called another name? When I think of these thoughts, I feel sick to my stomach, but I know what they will tell me to do instead. Live in the moment and don’t become so tunnel and focused and tried to find some sanity inside of that brain.

It’s all that it takes some days with these incredible social demands and constraints on us that I wonder some days if it is worth the headache or is their relief in being deemed insane? Your expectations become immediately lowered as the world around you learn how not to trigger you and it might take a lifetime for you to learn how to do the same. Not that it matters in the end when we get to where we are going, I wish for a life that is simple and happy and at times I guess a little bit tame. Hard work should pay off, at least I hope so at least I hope it all will make sense one day.