My biggest fear always has been that I won’t have the chance to realize my truest potential. The reason why I am here. My purpose for being. Don’t you have an inkling the direction you should be rushing towards? Me too. Well until my husband comes into play. He is just too many and gets on my nerves. I want to flee but where can I go. I know I could never leave my son behind.
Imagine being called names and having your mental health constantly thrown at you too hurt you. Everyday is a new creative insult for him to sow as he waits in the shadows for his moment to shine. To wag his finger my way and sneer that evil smile as he calls me crazy and a head exclaiming I must be out of my mind. My crime? Wanting my son to take a bath. Aren’t there some rules and decorum we must teach him? But when I speak up and say something the insults start. I hate being in the same room with him but where do I go?
I lived in a basement, sleeping on the floor. It’s like my husband hangs it over me to say the most awful things. “No wonder why your sisters don’t talk to you.” Correction. I stopped trying to talk to them. I think it is a little bit better than a 40 year old who still lives at a home and an Auntie who is frothing hoping her mom soon hits the grave. Why throw stones. I hate that game. A real man wants to protect his wife and family and not sell them out as fast as he can. I try to hold my breath but he is has just shot my nerves. I don’t even want to be his friend no more I will find somewhere better to go.
What man claims his wife as useless and loves the idea of having her out on the streets? This is not what I signed up for by any means and it infuriates me he still smokes cigarettes. I was always so guarded up then pregnant at 37. I was always so careful and now I was stuck so what was I supposed to do? This is a nightmare, truly and I wonder if in life chosing this path for me would have always been. This man makes me feel like a monster for breathing can I just go insane and be done with it?
I can’t escape these feelings no matter how hard I try. He always has something nasty to say it doesn’t matter if the house is clean or dirty. I got shoved into a corner with not even a chance to play. There is the thought of not being sure what to do with myself and it makes me scared. How long can one survive being unloved and will I finally have the strength to pack up and go? It used to be so easy before but now my son got involved. I love him with every cell that is inside of me no matter how mean or hurtful his Dad is being. Is this the price I have to pay to be a part of life? I think I should have read the small print when I walked away from the light. I would say come again but right now I am way too scared. There is so much I want to live fore and I would be said if I wasn’t here. Just not with that man and not with how he treats me. I know nobody deserves to be dogged constantly no matt7er who they were in life before all this.
Everything I have to do that is important to me I have to do when he is a sleep. If I try to do anything when he can notice he makes fun of me until I cry. Then I get mad. I get so full of rage. This is not anything close to what he promised not to mention why the heck is he so mean? Everything he can dig he does I can tell he gets off by the things he says. I hate that this is all we are when we are together and I hope it ends soon so I can stop living in fear. Not because he is physical but is words are more than enough. Everything he says to me is rude and it cuts deeper than a knife. Gut me like a fish and cook me till I am done. Sprinkle me with lemon juice and dill and maybe a lil crisp white vino to hit the lips would also be a nice touch. If you are going to feast upon my sorrow you better make it count. I mean the tears of somebody who cares are always more filling than the being who never dared.
So I keep trying even when no one believes in me and there is no other being on Earth. At least that is what I tell myself with the blinders on instead of being blindsided and brought out to lunch. Over stuff my belly until I feel nauseated and sick. Friends are friends to be gentle and enemies like it when they can be hard. Make you sad and make you cry. The venom always seem to be more poisonous with every tear that escapes from your eye. So I struggle to me in this space that I find myself in because my husband laughs at me every chance that he gets. He is not my friend but he sure has become my reason why I always walk with a fire in my step and the dream of success in my eye.