What is troublesome to me is how many people out there want to control what it is I am trying to say like they can control my feelings and emotions in some sort of way. That the corruption of society has made us all just a lil too sensitive in our search and demand for the truth. The only way we can truly be set free is by owning who we are and our own identity without allowing what another want to corrupt us with just so they can have their say.
I speak my mind so I can release that burden that weighs heavy on my heart when another is untrue. Not in a cheating sort of sense, but kind of. Whenever they fail to live authentically and let down their own reflection in the mirror I appear for a while to try and hold them accountable. I try not to live like that but the weight that comes with it is heavy. What I am told most is to keep my mouth shut but what comes of me if I am still living?
So it’s common knowledge that my home is not so happy and all my family, including in-laws, are basically estranged. One day I hope to mend the bridges that keep us so divided but not with everybody only some and that is only if I have the strength to withstand it. What becomes of me if I have nobody to share my secrets with and if there are no ears that I can entrust? I feel that suffocating pain that comes when forced to live another day when you can’t make out what to think of it.
I am letting myself down every time I whine but there are some things that are being done that are ripping my heart out. Literally right from under me. I wonder if there is a place to which I am to belong or where it is my soul can finally find a home?
So the weight that truly bothers me is when somebody hurts me deeply and I am told that I am not supposed to call them out. That they can be as callous and as heartless as they want but it is my essence that needs to pay the final bill. What kind of utter load is that? Seems to me like it is only those who live in glass houses who are afraid of stone for me I have become accustomed to have to deal with it all, all on my own.
There are those that I would never burden with this molehill because I need their heart to remain intact. I don’t want to break the heart of those that have always believed in me. And yes the grammar is correct. In my life so far there has only been one. So I won’t call her out because she has always been my rock. Even when I turned my back on her she always had her faith in me that I would one day grow up to be my best.
A mother’s love is nothing like it in this world and yes it can be replicated but when it comes to knowing what your heart sounds like on the inside there can be no comparison to that true one. There is talks about a soul mate but that would mean your hearts beat rather rhythmically and once that sound together is made there is nothing that can stop the two of you from conquering the world.
That is why it is so fleeting and promised to not very many. If you had a chance to know a soul who ignites yours on fire than you know what feeling it is that I am talking about, if you don’t know to you I am truly sorry. I had that once and not for many days not even just a one. What I had experienced was a mere few hours that I couldn’t let myself get lost to so I ran from it.
That is what I have spent my whole life chasing and depression is what I found. You aren’t made to love everybody the same nor are we cut from even the same cloth. The same time period maybe. How completely entertaining if we could be. It is what makes us so different that we find completes us, and reminds us how we aren’t here for just anybody. Wasting away the days again in an attempt to find true love or light up the night sky in absence of.
So there it is and here I am. Destined to shine in my own way once I find those that will allow me to do so is something I hold onto in my heart and at times I just can not breathe. There are those in my general vicinity who get off when I no longer have a voice and to those people I just can’t wait for them to fade away. Better off alone I don’t need to buy into all that jazz, unless of course something is promised to me then I find it somewhere in me to once again believe. Not for long though because the wool over my eyes just doesn’t want to stay. I want a life that is virtuous until I return to the Heaven’s once again.
The numbing ways we try to hold some sort of control over another so we can taunt them mercilessly until we finally get our way. I wonder what it would take to have an honest interaction with somebody you once loved, instead of these corrupt matters of the heart that we all find ourselves in. Living with a broken heart comes easier once you figure it out what you can use as glue. What can you fill your life with to ease the pain like a form of morphine that will begin to take it all away? My life is full and not with anything that can talk back to me. I lost my interest in what was human once I was forced to witness what they were capable of.