Words Hurt

I am trying to believe that the Universe knows what she is doing and has a blessing somewhere tucked away for me, but every morning is getting even more ridiculous to the one that I had arose from before.

What I need from the Universe is for who to disentangle me from this man she thought I could love. Me and my son are alone in our existence only getting look towards when the night has come forward and it is his time to be mean. He has an excuse always to be pulled away from home. I don`t want to get involved with his carrying on`s I just want the life that I was living before. Every waking minute this man has an excuse to walk away now he is on day 13 of working and I just want to kick him out the door. No time spent with our mini me just him sleeping on the couch because he is too annoyed from us from the night before. We both can tell we are hated just by his mere existence, and I am at a loss of what I am supposed to be fighting for.

I start my day with pure intentions asking for enough time to go about my day so I can get enough of what I would like to be done. There is no rhyme or reason for what it is I have set out too accomplishment just a sense of satisfaction when I set out what I have accomplished to do from the night and days before.

I believe my life to be simple. How I wish I had a partner with a similar mind. It hurts to know that I may never feel the touch of a lover or friend or anybody that has an inkling of compassion for me. I wonder if I had to get my fill from the life that I had lived before. Here`s the thing, I don`t know what to believe. I believe this family scenario you dreamed up for me is not all that it truly seems. I have a man who would rather smoke and take infinite poops in the garage instead of trying to connect with me and the son I gave my life up for.

I get mad at the Universe because all I ever wanted was somebody that I could connect deeply with, somebody I could call a forever friend. I don`t want somebody looking down at me because I like to medicate with weed or dress in Pin-Up, I want somebody to celebrate me as far as our eyes can see. Why is this the life you dreamed up for me and was I really that bad. I think from the beginning I had a greater sense of all the things I have ever had.

I am so beyond confused I don`t even know what to ask for these days. I know my partner is incapable of being nice to me and I fear that in staying here my true love will never be able to find his way. Could that even be possible all I am searching for is just one. Somebody to light my soul on fire and remind me of what all this heart ache was worth suffering for before my time is done.

I like the way it feels when somebody you love loves you. Not just being there because you make their pants swell because something in just being together just begins to click. I want to believe in that soul connection so bad that I will live every day in agony just wishing that he, she or they could make their way here. How I long to have my words fall into the ears of a being I loved instead of being twisted and used against me to hurt me. I never wanted to live a lie like this consistently but here I am trapped inside and everything inside of me slowly begins to die.

Every get the pleasure of watching somebody you love to have their heart break over and over again because somebody they love won`t pay them no mind. The countless smoke, bathroom, and dab breaks that are had before he slowly creeps off when nobody is looking so, he can go to bed his gut wrenching. All the mornings my son wakes to a father who is not here because he has to go to work another day just kills me inside. His crushed little heart and the tears in his eyes as he just tries to understand why his dad never has any time for him.

His reasoning will make you sick. He claims they don`t have anything in common. He hates the games my son plays and would rather do what he wants instead. Keep in mind my son his 5. He would smoke cigarettes with my husband to spend time with him if we would let him. All he wants to do is be in the same room as my husband and my husband only cares to do that after my son has drifted off to sleep.

Yes, I am getting a wee bit territorial but how would you feel after watching this go down every day. I accepted the fact that my husband will always see me as a loser who is worthy of nothing, and I will always see him as a being that I wish would just go away. I would never cut him off from seeing his son, but I would stop hand delivering him in such a way.

What I know I know for certain that his relationship is on the way out and there is not too much more that needs to be said. How many times can you listen to the words of an entity that hates everything about you before those words sink in and you finally decide just to walk away.


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