Am I Spoiled? (or do you just ask the wrong people)

There is a lot of talk out there that I, me, am a little bit spoiled. Me? Really? And I just laugh it all away.

There was a time that I had nothing. Truly nothing. I just escaped an apartment fire after my live in boyfriend at the time breached his parole and got locked away. How’s that for timing. I just started my job at the YVR airport when I got the call from his parole officer. Fun? Right. I was already preoccupied with the knowledge that one of my friends had fallen off of a 100 foot cliff and was on life support clinging onto life. What else could go wrong right? Neverminded the next day my Grandmother had been hospitalized and was sure to pass away. This is what spurred my cocaine binge. I was trying to escape all the demons in my head. What people said about me after I escaped that city would never take up space inside my head and heart again. Well in time.

My one friend who gave me a place to stay turned on me faster than one can say boo. Ya that hurt. It always hurts. The memories that you once had now turn to poison inside your head. I know that poison. Almost a little too well. Where others were having families and making moves inside their careers I was a shell of a woman with not knowing where it is I wanted to go. I felt like a loser with nothing attracting other like minded minds and souls. There is just something that comes in knowing that you have nowhere else to go. My friend who once turned on me now sleeps with the angels. We never had a chance to make amends before his time on Earth here was over. All my friends that have graced me with their time still occupies space inside my mind. I am sorry that I have befallen you has a friend. I hope that you find salvation now that you are finally able to rest.

As a middle aged woman starting over why on Earth would you want to share your story? Why should I be ashamed for events that made it so that I am alive on this very day. I could have been dead, met an unfortunate event but for some reason or another I am still here so I began to ask. Speak my mind and what comes to my heart as I honour the entity inside of me that is me. Sure I used to be made to feel ashamed for working 3 jobs to keep a roof over my head, wouldn’t you know it I wouldn’t be invited to any of the “Pin-up” Games. The tales women can tell to make it seem like they are relevant. A real women never betrays the secrets of her friends in fact she would never let slip the truths of her enemies. Maybe I have let a secret slip or two but I never reveal names. I shouldn’t be held accountable for the relatability of my stories, that should fall directly on your head.

Am I spoiled? Nah! You just need to know who to ask. You also need to know how to honour your truths instead of running around acting like a wayward goof. My husband says I am spoiled and to him all I say is you can say no. I was taught that you shouldn’t be ashamed of even asking. You can’t get a yes if you are too scared, am I right? What I love about this opportunity is I finally get my just desserts. All those beings that thought that I would remain worthless just turn once over when they see me. I never gave up on myself not even for a day. I know my truths like they have become gospel and no entity has a prayer of severing that connection now. You don’t like me? Good for you. Who are you anyways? Do I even know you? The easiest way to weed out the weeds in your general vicinity is to know your truth and sing it from the rooftops. Don’t allow anybody to bully you into their style of thinking because why become somebody else when who you are is gold. When others kicked me when I was down I just teased up my hair. Whatever you have going on in your life is yours. Don’t ask me to give you a hand now that you are stuck.

I made my life so interesting that I don’t have time for all the haters in the world. What you do today increases your own self worth that will remain with you until you have gone cold. Maybe I live in this glorious bubble where nobody unsavoury can ever hope to reach me. I was always told that I would be most successful surrounded in green and a little bit of fire. Everyday I live in this place where nobody else can touch me even when there is so much hate. So I light up with a little bit of my homegrown and let the inhale take me off to another place. In that world it no longer matters what strangers think of me or what they see me do. I live my life like today was my last no matter who I find myself surrounded by or who could potentially enter the room. That is what makes me lucky. That inherent sense of self worth. The idea that I am just as worthy as any being as long as I live organically and stand by a sense of morals and truth. I don’t need validation anymore from those that will never understand. Am I spoiled, lucky, or just insistent on living my best life like this would be my last day on Earth. I know what dying feels like just like I know what it feels like to come back. There are those that we keep close to us that are just counting the time before we say our final goodbyes. Good people are felt and not heard like so many people think. I don’t mind sitting in the shadows to wait for an entity that feels good instead of constantly diluting my own self worth.

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