Self Preservation

I wish I could hold my breath until the world behaving differently but even I know that that would be impossibly and would be something that I simply could not do. There will always be somebody waiting eagerly in the rafters hoping to steal the beating heart of a new life that dares to sing.

There will always be those that expect to have a hand out. Why work for anything when I could get it all handed right to me and hopefully even a little bit more. The way I see others excuse the way the behave makes me wonder silently what they expect will happen to them truthfully beyond the grave. Sure the possibilities seem infinite but there has to be retaliation for the way we all behave.

We always hear about evil and what happens to those who had waited silently for their chance to happen silently in the wings. I think those that are used to speaking up and taking charge have half a chance of making it to the very end. In my mind there is no way of telling just when somebody may or may not meet their end. My Dad used to tell me it is all in who you know and who you decide to keep close enough to call your friends. In my circumstances that is not many.

I think for the most part I have always ran into those that wanted to do the bare minimum or at the very least they expected me to do all the work. There was the best friend I thought I had for a little bit but she was just one of them taking everything that she could get. You know I used to blame an ex for stealing my mom’s wedding rings but now I see now how living with her may have been the last chance I saw those pieces of gold. That was more than 20 years ago so what could it possibly even mean if she sold those particular pieces for drugs or to get back at me for having her charged, does it even matter now?

I am always in some sort of trouble for the way that I behave which I don’t really understand but what can I even say. If I clean the house a certain way it is going to be wrong. If I don’t jump as soon as I am told I am called names in order for that man to get under my skin and try to ruin everyday. I learned now don’t let that man see you smile because he will do anything to rip the sunshine right off of my face. I think that is what makes it hard for me to trust anything that he has to say. Chances are he is going to say something mean to me and it is for sure going to ruin every single day.

We both walk around here like we are on egg shells trying not to anger the wayward beast. If you try to get him to do anything other than loaf around then you better duck for cover if you know what I mean. Everyday I watch him come home to the same routine and I suppose that is what every man needs to do so that they can unwind but why come into a home trying to disrupt it and make everybody inside it incredibly unhappy.

I am so tired I think I am delirious. It is hard for me to decipher which was it is that I need to turn up. Tired of the hesitation that seeps into everything that I do because I know what will happen to this household if he decides to lower the boom. I don’t know how much longer I can function with little or no support. I think all he wants to do is make us all angry as that is all he focuses on as he moves from room to room. Every time he speaks its to tell us its because he is losing his mind because he is angry and it is taking everything inside of me just to stay quiet and remember how to breathe.

As a mother I can’t believe this is happening but as a daughter I most certainly can. I know what happens when you don’t measure up to another parents expectations. It is a heave ho, out you go with the next days trash. I think that is why I have always struggled with this impossible set of standards because even as an old woman I still dream of having a father who will one day tell me how happy he is of me. I know that I will never speak to him again in this lifetime. It’s because he decided long ago to believe all the bad stuff that was being said about me.

I suppose some of it was true but all I wanted was to fit in. I wanted a man to properly guide me to let me know that somehow, one day in the end all of this will eventually be ok. That I wasn’t just a waste of a girl for being abused at 13 and that I could still grow into a being worthy of a loyal’s man love. I guess if my father in life has ever taught me anything that it is ok to judge somebody and never grow able in your heart to one day find peace.

I know that I am hated and I guess that is ok I couldn’t imagine a time in my life where I would live any differently. I think about those that once were a friend and now all I can think about is thanking them for having this memory. In a world where all I wanted was to fit in I ended up being on the out. If you can’t win for trying then preservation in life will have to do. At least that is what I keep telling myself so every morning I can start a new.


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