I pity the fool who is always trying to impose their opinion. Shouldn’t they be more focused on themselves instead of the life that I am trying to live? If I can’t let go of the things that made me why are you allowed to be offended? These things didn’t happen to you nor would I wish them to so if you could gather up your things and move along that would be more than just ok.
I understand the mentality, if you are content with your present why would you ever want to look back? Out of respect, and a little bit of loyalty, because of all the promises that I made to another being when they ceased to exist and be.
It’s like if they were a friend in this life why do they need to be forgotten about? Can’t I carry them in my heart so they become a part of me? I don’t want to forget their presence in this timeline when I can have them present right along beside me.
I pity the fool who is so ashamed of their own shadow that they shunned everything that helped shaped them. I was abused as a young girl why? Why would that happen to me? What is the lesson that I was supposed to learn from an act that was so cruel?
The only thing that I can think of is the ties that connected me to my family. I needed something here in the physical plain to keep me moving on. Without the ability to move back I was able to take up space their in my own mind. I remember ever finite detail like it was just yesterday when I was waking up and getting forced to go to school.
I can remember how the cool air hit my face as as the smoke filled up my lungs. I loved the way it felt in the mornings when it was just me, myself and I. I didn’t have to worry about what was going to happen at school and if I would end up fearing for my life. I tried to explain to just anybody at the time because I was growing tired of living with so much grief and strief.
It hurt so much having nobody to scared to know who to trust. It seemed once everybody formed their opinion of me I was the first one always having to watch out for that proverbial knife.
What they don’t prepare you for though is the word vomit that will come and who your filth might land on. It seems your inner child is always looking for somebody to save them from this time. Somebody who would look at me with the care and compassion I never received when I was only just merrily a kid.
I live in my past because those are the moments that made me and a promise that I made when I was only just a kid. I promised my baby that was growing inside of me at the time that she would not be losing her life in vain.
Now I feel like my eyes have been opened as my heart continues to be ripped out. I remember the lies that were spoken like they were golden when my dad told me to go on in and get it done. He promised to love me. At least I thought he did. How was I supposed to know that it was another lie that was to be told when I was only a kid.
Did you ever receive the conformation you needed and it rocked you to the core? I think I finally understand what went on here and its a revelation I think I didn’t need. So my Dad told me that having a kid when I was a teen would ruin my life. What he didn’t tell me is that I would be haunted by her existence that could only be taken away with one of his hugs.
How was I supposed to know that it was his whole family that he wanted to shun. He turned his back on his grandson when he was only 6 months old too. I guess I was born to always be collateral damage without having a strong center or core. I think I would have done things a lot differently the last time I saw him as I walked out that door.
Stop living in the past? Nah I don’t think I ever can thank you. Does it really bother you that bad that I want to honour the life my daughter never had? Why would it affect you in such a way? I am the one that has to live with this whole in my heart and I am growing tired of all the things that people say.
Ever lost something you truly love for reasons you never fully understand? That is how I feel when I think about my daughter and there is nothing that can heal my heart not even Novocain. There was a time when all I wanted to feel was numb now I want to marinade in the pain. I want to breathe life into those that are no longer existing so we can enjoy one more dance outside in the rain.
Overall I am happy and thankful for the life I got to live but I always have that drive. That drive to want to make her existence known again one more time before I take my last breathe and die. Keep telling me to move along and I am going to wish you do the same. I don’t want to be acquaintances with anybody with no inkling of sympathy or compassion taking residency inside of their brain.
So I do pity the fool who is always trying to enforce their insane opinion. Where do you get off trying to tell other people how to live or what you believe that they should do?