As a single income family sometimes we have to stretch every dollar just to make it to the next pay. We live happily and we have no wants for anything but you know sometimes those lil indulgences that we like to enjoy before the house comes alive…well sometimes they have to wait a day or two before coming into reality. It has been a long time since I have been up in the wee hours of the morning leaving the house. In fact it would have been last year when I was struggling to get the whole crew together to get our foster pups to the vet. Being as it is Friday and payday I decided to do the quick drive to get a coffee before getting o nwith my day. Coffee is on sale right now for only $1 so I don’t feel to bad for this expenditure.

I try not to let me mind free think too much but it hard when sitting in a line up. I was amazed at how many retirees were in the restaurant having a coffee and doing the crosswords. The men at one table and the ladies at another. What a beautiful way to live at your Golden year. Your partner and your friends enjoying tales of the good old days and the days that are still to come. We are so far removed from the days that they grew up in. They know of a simpler time that wasn’t controlled by fame or fortune. They knew the pain of losing it all so over time they learn a new conservative way of being. There is only one constant change that I see that may have contributed to the fast decline that we are seeing know. Is it weird to think that maybe when given the power (and I mean the power to vote) that we added to the decline and mind numbing sensations that are over taking our population.

I am sorry for the women who will hate me for this but I think of the countries that are living a more forward existence that doesn’t seem to have the socio economic problems that we do. For example we were given the right to vote in the early 1900s. The Swiss were later to allow women this power. Yes they say that we are one of the top countries to live in but I am curious to who they are asking this question. I am not pointing a finger to anybody or at any direction. This is something that we all have been contributing too. Somewhere along the lines our existence has been devalued to achieving fame. So many people have paid the ultimate price for this. Success has always been short lived when you think of the evil that is unleashed apon the World. It was never just one person existing to achieve the greater good. It was ALL of the people existing coming together to achieve the greater good.  We as women demanded the right to vote with which I soley agree with. Why would a nation be so one sided and only consider the opinion of men? That was in 1914. Now imagine this, there are about 37 million people living in Canada. We just had an election. The people who were affected most by the results went out and voted. There voices were not heard. Not at all. Why was it necessary to add in the female voters? Maybe because it makes it easier to cover up this exact thing. The purpose of the government was to help us all thrive in today’s society. Nobody is thriving and the only people surviving the travesty that is becoming our nation are those in charge.

The reason why this bothers me is we fought for so long to have jobs. We thought jobs would give us some sort of financial security, stability, well being. There is nothing wrong with dedicating time to your studies. I ready and study and try to improve every day. That used to be one of the fighting reasons why we wanted the vote. We wanted the right to education so we could become more valuable in the home. We were supposed to be our children’s first teacher but we have thrown that special time away in order to return to work. Not because we want to because we have to. Some of us require the double income as we were taught that at a young age. If both partners have debt then what. Wait till you are older to have kids? That doesn’t always work and not everybody wants to be 60 when their kids graduate. Take me for example I will be that 60 year. I am ok with that. I always wanted a man that reminded me of my Grandfather and Father. My first true loves. I wish my mind didn’t become corrupt with the desire of fame and fortune. The realist in me told me I would never be famous. The entrepreneur in me told me that fortune may very well be a possibility. That is why I waited for as long as I did. Nobody was ever quiet right. Who could every compare to the two greatest heros that I have ever known. I have the same picture hanging on my wall that they once did. Every morning I am reminded of the great people who once lived before me. So even in my weakest state I find the strength to live in their light. ( I am meaning my Grandparents).

As my order is given to me. I smile lovingly as I feel all warmed from the memories. The coffee feels even warmer in my hands as I thank the employee and drive away. I can’t help but take one more glance at the energy and life coming from the lobby. As I drive around I even see the men who still smoke hanging out around back. I wonder why it is so we don’t appreciate what it is we have? I am always guilty of this. My marriage is the biggest example I can think to give. I have come with alot of baggage…read through any of my posts you can see that it took me almost 40 years to grow up. It was a hard struggle. My last living grand parent passed away when I was 28. There is no bigger heart break then learning the passing of your favourite person. The reality of just how selfish I had been living my life hit me like a ton of bricks. I had nobody to share my heartbreak with. I don’t want to blame one point in my life and there really isn’t just one there are many. But the day that man left the Earth so did a piece of me. When my dad told me the Words I remember exactly where I was. I was alone in Winners looking to get a dress for an evening out with my banker boyfriend. I mention his profession because it will become important. My dad didn’t get a chance to tell me who had passed because i had already knew. I blacked out. Dropped my phone and started running. I don’t know what is with me and running. It’s like I feel maybe if I run fast enough the words can’t catch me but they always do. When I woke up I was in the middle of the highway of a busy very street of where I lived. I hand had grabbed my shoulder and pulled me out of moving traffic. It was a worker from Winners. Falling into their arms I crumbled. I wasn’t there on his last day. I never got to say goodbye. I never got to say goodbye. Everybody leaves before giving me a chance. I felt abandoned. I felt heart broken. He had Alzheimer’s and he didn’t know who I was but there was always a second of every visit where he would remember me. I could tell through his bloodshoot eyes that he loved me.

So now staring at those happy faces I am reminded of all those memories of growing up on the farm surrounded by my Parents and Grandparents and even Uncles and Aunts. The version of our future in our heads is never our reality.  I wish I knew then that it is ok to have a different version. Not everything needs to be planned or perfect or even cookie cutter for that matter. We are so skewed from even coming close to the reality of life so why are we even stressing. I find great peace in reading those tales of those before me. It makes me realize that I am nothing special on this Earth when you consider the many many billions of people that have inhabited this earth. In fact my existence will mean nothing probably in a hundred years. I know this for almost fact because I also keep a picture of my Great Grandparents on my wall too. The sad truth is I don’t even know there names. Maybe that was my lesson from seeing so much joy in the wee hours of the morning. Maybe it is time I explore the history of my family and see who existed before me. We are all intertwined throughout time and history so maybe it is time I pay them some respect too.