There was never a guarantee that after 30 days my anxiety and depression would instantly lift. In fact I find myself struggling more than ever. It feels like I am in the eye of the storm struggling to grab a hold of something before reality breaks off and I am lost into oblibion. Never to be seen again. On one hand I feel closer knowing myself more now than ever but in that coming of self I lost those closest to me along the way. My tears come from embrassment feeling like I am unworthy of compassion and love. 500 plus days spent in the walls where it is rare to feel included and even worse nobody knows my name. My own validation comes in fur and feathers and without them I may forever close my eyes. I think at times I would rather be alone because living this lie has killed me inside. I question everything that I have known. Even love I have no idea. If I love someone I would move heaven and earth for them and I am humbled to admit I have no one who would do that for me.
What I need to cross off my list I am scared to. Maybe I am not worthy of reciprocated love. To say that I am sad or angry is an understatement. I know life was never promised to be good but does it have to take with it my self esteem. Everyday I stumble around worried about what I may do this day to set my husband off. Take last yesterday for example. I tried to let him nap after work as I struggled to clean and maintain an orderly house. As soon as he awoke he left for a friends for 6 hours and I was left to do it all alone. It is humourous to think he doesn’t think I can manage with out him but here he is prooving to me in his ignorance that maybe he is the one in the way.
Did you know my piggie died? It has been a few weeks now and my heart misses him so much. He was always excited to see me, coming out and greeting me making me feel important. I told my husband I thought he was dying. He just laughed and walked away. The stress as I held him and my child was screaming and my husband just kept smoking cigarettes. He was cold when I touched him to lower him into his favourite hide. I watched him tremor right before he died. Those who know me know I am an empath and losing my friend and being ignored his killing me inside. Have you ever tried to hug a bird? She’s all I have now that doesn’t make crazy demands on me. I want to run away until nobody can find me but I will never be able to hide away from me.
What does it feel like to be loved? I know what it feels like to love, I have an over abundance of that but what does it feel like to have somebody love you the way my heart feels when I feel love. Will anybody’s eyes light up when I enter the room or do I have to return to the night sky? I love to cuddle. Do you like to too? Other than my son and pets I can’t remember the last time I have been held. My dog prefers to be the little spoon so there is no comfort there. How I want to be a child again so I can crawl into my mothers arms and be held. I miss intimacy so much and I am not talking about sex. I want to lay my head on another’s chest so I can listen to their heart beat. I want to feel arms around me telling me it’s going to be ok. When I think about how it is I got here now I am so disappointed in myself.
All I ever wanted was a family, to be appreciated and to be loved. Most days I am capable to keep my positivity a float but I am human and there is only so much I can take. My goal is to be held and told everything will be ok but that is not going to happen, at least not today. I am so tired of living my life this way. I am more than just a mother and pet momma, can’t you see I am still me? How long can I survive this way? Maybe it’s all just a dream. Why does the most important thing on my to do list have to be so impossibly hard? I love myself until he is home then all I hear is all the things I have done wrong. My body tightens up with anxious fear because it is only a matter of time. My least favourite phrase is, “I am going to snap,” which has me feverishly scampering around. The counter is too dirty from the night before. Littered with garbage, dirty socks and so much more. I would clean it but if I do there was something he needed and getting blamed again for something I did or didn’t do is getting harder to ignore.
So many wonder how it is possible to live with so many cats. To them I say it depends on what you believe. I have always been fascinated with the Egyptian culture up to and including there obsession with the cat. The cat has long been believed to be the gatekeeper between this life and the next. More so it is also believed that their purring increases their ability to heal, something about the frequency they emit. At first that fact would seem strange but then I look to my cats. I am one to try and sync my vibrations to theirs and its incredible just how soothing it can be. Also randomly the intensity of their song almost always seems to relate to their past tragedies in life. Take my tripawd for example. Losing a full leg and half a tail his song is loud enough to get the dead up to dance whereas the kitten we have had since birth almost no sound at all. My to do list never grows shorter so it’s hard to know exactly where to start. One leaves me broken the other begins healing my heart.