Mr Krabs died yesterday. Well correction I found him dead. K honestly. I worked for hours with my back to him and then suddenly I noticed that his shell was empty. My husbands first thoughts when I began to panic is that he had moved onto another shell to which we have several but it was like with the position of his shell I knew what I was about to find.
He was just there. Lying out of his shell reaching for the water. I can only imagine how he had come to meet with his end. Even though I had never held him while he was alive I feel like we still had a bond. And even though I never wanted these crustacean pets they became a part of my every day grind.
It was the loss of life that was getting to me. I couldn’t understand how it is that he had came to this end. Looking at the piece of driftwood that he was probably climbing on it appears that he more than likely had fallen and couldn’t get back into his shell. Whatever had happened his loss still hung heavy over me. It lead to a whole day of crying over nothing and a far too emotionally charged house.
You think that would be it for the loss but as I worked my way to the greenhouse I can see more damage that had been done. The tops of my tomatoes had once again snapped from the weight of all their fruit. The loss of life to me is still a loss. Although when it comes to humans or a fuzzy pet who because a constant companion there is a little different tug of the heart that actually occurs.
I already can’t breathe. Not very well for the most part. It has me believing that my years of smoking cigarettes may have caught up to me. That heavy feeling that is always in my chest never leaves. So now when I am faced with other lives that are continuously crumbling I start to see the similarities that are cleverly interwoven in between.
Any time we come alive we have the potential for abuse and ridicule. Not everything that we surround ourselves by can be all that it seems. Look at my greenhouse. Should be safe right? Not when you care and love for them as much as I do it seems. It’s like Mr Krabs. Every time I saw him out I took in all of his surroundings. I can even tell you what his favourite food was to eat. How many pet owners can tell you that. Remember Sweet Cinnamon. Foul. Telling me she LOVES those horrible store bought treats. You have to remind yourself that we are all out here just living so why would anything living want something so processed and unrecognizable from the fruit and vegetables they were supposed to be.
That is why I find myself here. I am a lover and provider of ALL life. I want to curate a feeling, an emotion that will bond us from here to the netherworld and will keep us protected from all the evil that this world seems to need. The violence that is surfacing is astronomical and it becomes hard to want to even go outside into the streets.
Remember my neighbour? How vile do you have to be? To insult a hardworking, woman who is struggling and trying all because she appears different from you. Why would I want to want walk around like a domineering ogre? What an example you are providing for your children. This is what makes me scared. I experienced first hand what one being thought was acceptable behaviour right there in the middle of the street. As she insulted my intelligence, my looks and even my family I did all that I could muster to do at that time so I began to cry.
That experience pushed me further inside my home. Why go and be with these humans who want to appear better than everybody than stay in a place where I am unconditionally love and accepted? Everyday is a new day for them to show off their toys as they take over every street and make this obnoxious noise and I hide. What I have come to know is most women aren’t no angels. When push comes to shove they will adorn a pitchfork and horns and do what they think they are entitled too with no regards to the outside world. Well unless it is to appear better than them.
What makes me sad about the ending of any life is I have no idea where it is that they go. I usually think of all those that have slipped through my fingers and wonder if I will ever see them again or if I will be met with an outstanding no. I try so hard to make a better life for my family even if the outside world doesn’t understand it and all they want me to do is go away. I live my life so much differently than most but that is because I died for 12 minutes and journeyed to the other side.
Don’t ask me where I went. I don’t even know. It bothers me that there was nothing to remember but then I am reminded that sometimes what we need most is faith. I made my husband wrap up Mr Krabs body and bring him down to the freezer. I can’t just throw all that he had left into the garbage. It will never sit right inside of me. The weight of what is to come lies heavy on most of us. That is what keeps us from trying to be all that we can be. You have to do something to continuously keep putting yourself out there and stop believing that the reality you find yourself in isn’t fair.
What do I think about life? The ending of life is what scares me and I am constantly thinking that we don’t honour and respect that fact. Who we become as we age should be an indication of who we once were and it is inevitable that in time there will be nobody left who remembers us. Heck. In time even our resting place will be gone as evolution and time takes over and we all become lost tot he world.
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