I finally understand it. It is something that I am finally able to figure out. With everything that bad that has happened to me this is the best to living a happy life that I am ever going to get. Maybe my husband is right. Nobody cares about how I feel and the life that I am forced to endure. Maybe its time I forever close-up this laptop and just decide to leave.

My son was awake until 4:30 last night. He was delusional one would say and incredibly out of his mind. He didn’t want to sleep as he grabbed onto his tummy in pain exclaiming to anybody who would listen all the the things that he wanted to eat. He grazes throughout the day but he just hates settling down. To watch him as the night becomes to settle around us is something I would have to say is rather absurd.

It angers my husband how my son is attached to him but what can I do? I didn’t tell my husband to go ahead and treat me this way. Of course my son is getting angry when you leave him with me and storm away. You have already made it clear how awful and lazy I am to anybody who can hear. I know what you are thinking maybe there is truth to what it is he has to say and to that I dare you to try and come and live here for a day. It is a mad house of chaos with something pulling at your time and always demanding for you to go and do. There is no rest intended for the wicked here. Monkey’s see as monkey’s do.

The thing is the whole responsibility of chaos falls right on top of my head. Littered with some obnoxious comments and remarks to make me feel lower than I already did I don’t understand why this man insists on keeping me around. It is the depression now that is keeping me down and threatening to take me away. When I imagine a life void with love and compassion I think I just may go and walk down the street and jump right off a bridge.

There is something to be said to be hated by everybody and to have everything that you hoped and dreamed for begin to slip away. Not many care to hear what it is that happened to you over all these years and how you were able to pick yourself up and live for a better day. I cry everyday. I mourn for all the lives that were filled with so much hope and promise and for some reason they were never granted a chance to manifest in being.

That is the most confusing and yet compelling road to be on. Do I keep on trying hoping that this path I am on is the right one and eventually something somewhere is going to have to give or do I give up before that has all happened and just take a final breath and let go in order to let live.

It’s weird right? We are all stuck kind of living on the same path but we don’t want to make it easier to give anybody else a hand. There are people sitting on top of mass fortunes and do nothing but hoard it in order for them to live. They want to live the best life free of homeless people and paupers and all those other beings in this life that may give you chills. They all want to know how it is that we got this way but nobody wants to take accountability for when we all begin to fall.

Take the sanctity of families if you can find one that even exists. We pretend that we are doing what society is asking of us but break apart at the seams when we think we got our fill. Everything feels right at the time but then somebody will come along and they will demand that you try and see it their way. They will convince you that you only live once and it is yours for the taking and it is but it shouldn’t come at another person’s livelihood or expense.

Take our children. They didn’t ask to be brought into this world but all of a sudden here they are. We promised to give them a life that was full of happiness and love and if they could have a promising future then what more can be expected of you? We become enamored with the idea that maybe we are entitled to just a little bit more than what we would be normally and to some of us that one simple thought goes entirely straight to our head.

Take my channel for example (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCT44prvb_o835cQOG327hbQ) would it kill my people to show me a little love and support? It’s completely free but like I learned in Economics, “There is no such thing as a free lunch,” but there should be! Supporting each other so we can get out of this rat race should be the most simplistic and easiest thing but for some reason it is not. The people closest to me are only here to see me fail and that hurts my heart more than anybody could ever possibly believe.

Maybe I am the biggest loser that has ever walked this Earth. I think it maybe time for me to pack up this life and say goodbye to those I love before I go. I don’t think it would take long. There truly is only one or two. This life that I have been living is most suffocating when all I wanted to do was catch my breath and breathe.

Where do you go when you have no direction or guidance in a world that has taken everything away from you? My spouse would rather see me six feet under and that would be the same for most of my family that is still found spinning inside this world. I think it’s time I succumb to the wave that has been relentlessly hunting for me. I think then, and only then, I will become somebody who is in the end entirely me.